Eliminating Stress

imagesstress

 

Is anyone out there feeling some stress today?  I’ll make an educated guess that most of you are feeling some level of stress.  It has become the norm in our everyday lives. However, you don’t have to live your life this way.  There are strategies that you can utilize and decisions that you can make to lower or eliminate the stress that you feel on a daily basis.  Here are some tactics that might help you lower your level of stress and enable you to enjoy your life more.

 

Get an objective view of the situation

I understand that you lead a busy life. You have a lot of different responsibilities on your daily priority list.  However, you can become so overwhelmed with your commitments and responsibilities and so hyper focused on your own experience that you can no longer see things clearly. In order for you to get a more realistic view of your life, ask yourself the following questions:

 

1. What impact would this have on my life or others if I don’t follow through with this responsibility?

 

2.  Is the impact worth my level of stress and anxiety?

 

By asking these questions, you could force yourself to see that it isn’t the end of the world if you drop this commitment.  It’s so easy to get lost in the endless loop of stress or anxiety that you can lose sight of whether it even truly matters.

 

Watch your extreme thinking when you start getting stressed

Think about someone you would deem as stressed or anxious.  Chances are they talk in extremes and their extreme thinking fuels their anxiety.  They pepper their communication with words like  “have to”, “always”, “never”, “must” and “should”. They speak in hyperbole, setting themselves up for more stress. This communication style is simply fuel to the fire.  The running dialogue is always swirling in their head, and it’s the perfect storm for a life filled with stress and anxiety. Until they address what they’re telling themselves and make an effort to manage it, the stress and anxiety will only get worse. We all fall into this pattern now and then, so make an effort to acknowledge it and take action.

 

 

Stay away from stressful people

Do you know any people in your life that are stress mongers? These are the ones that just resonate with anxiety.  Every time you’re around them, stress just seeps out of their pores. The problem is that it usually then seeps into your pores.  Their goal is for you to understand the level of stress that they are feeling.  However, what actually happens is that they successfully transfer that stress to you.  Often, you leave the conversation feeling stressed and anxious while they go on to their next victim. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that they probably don’t follow through on any advice you give them.  My suggestion to you is to minimize your time with these individuals.  If it’s impossible, just don’t engage in the anxiety talk and change the subject in the conversation.

 

Steve Maraboli said the following,

 

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health.  Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”

 

 

Please keep this in mind the next time you’re tempted to fall into this unhealthy pattern.

 

Dream Snatcher

images dream snatcherI was terrified when I contemplated going back to school to complete my Masters degree. To be truthful, I wasn’t a terrific student, although I had always excelled in the workplace. My fears about school were so strong that every now and then, the subject turned up in my nightmares.  Usually, I was running to get to my class and would realize that I had not studied for the final. (Which, of course, was happening right at that moment.)  In the nightmare, I could feel the anxiety coursing through my body as I asked myself why I hadn’t attended the classes or prepared appropriately for the exam. This scenario played itself out over and over— whenever I was feeling anxious in my life.

 

Yes, I had fears about school and succeeding. So, when I made the decision to go back to school, you can imagine what an obstacle that represented to me. I began to tell people my plan, with the hope that every time I shared my news, I would become a little more self-confident about the path I had chosen.  This was my dream and the only thing that was stopping me from going after it was my fear.

 

As you know, every time you share your life plans with someone, you run the risk of receiving a negative reaction. I remember vividly sharing the news with a good friend who reacted in a way that I couldn’t have expected.  As I excitedly laid out my plans for the future, she questioned my decision.

 

“Why would you do that?  How can you possibly be successful when you still have two kids at home? That’s not going to work”.

 

This cut straight to my heart. I needed a friend that supported and encouraged me to move forward.  I didn’t need help with feeling any more vulnerable or unsure about my decision. I was more than capable of handling that one.

 

This person was a DREAM SNATCHER.

 

You know the type. They could be loving members of your family or long-time friends.  The bottom line is that they discourage you from wanting more and believing that you are entitled to receive more. They go out of their way to share all the reasons why your decision is a bad idea and it’s not going to work.

 

But why do they do this? There are many possible reasons but these two are the most common.

 

They don’t want you to get hurt.

It’s possible that they have lived their own life following the rules and doing what’s safe.  They love you and they can’t bear to see you get hurt, stumble or take the wrong path.  Therefore, they will convince you to keep things predictable.  They will encourage you to stay where you’re familiar and comfortable.  Their pain while watching you risk this fall is so great that they feel compelled to convince you to stay “status quo”. They just can’t take the risk of having to see you struggle.

 

Your plans make them feel vulnerable and insecure.

Nothing is more threatening to the Dream Snatcher than watching others move forward and go after their dreams.  The Dream Snatcher doesn’t have the courage to take this leap; therefore, they feel relieved if they can discourage you from taking it.  Your ability to move forward is uncomfortable for them— they might have to face some decisions in their own life.  When my friend asked me how I could go back to school, she really was talking about herself. This was really about her, not me.

 

There will always be plenty of people in life who want to give you reasons why your dream is NOT valid.  Dream snatchers are everywhere and they’re more than happy to go into detail as to why your dream will fail.  Be sure to surround yourself with individuals that encourage, empower and support your efforts to go after your dreams and live life to the fullest.

 

 

Readjust

images fish juumping

My son left the other day to go back to his on-campus house for the summer.  He has already graduated but he’ll be living in Michigan until he makes his big move to the West Coast.  He spent two weeks at home with my husband and I.  We enjoyed shopping trips, dog walks and nice dinners together. All in all, we had a wonderful time.

 

When he left Sunday afternoon, the house was eerily quiet and I felt a strange sadness.  He was gone and it had occurred to me that it was probably the last long visit he would ever spend at home. Things would never be the same. I thought about that for a while. And then I thought about how it was time to readjust.

 

By Tuesday, my husband and I were in a new routine and were busy focusing on our plans for a bike trip to Chicago. We were mapping out our route and finding a hotel in the perfect area.  Yes, it was definitely time to readjust and move on.

 

So what’s the option if you don’t readjust and move on?  Being stuck.  I’m sure you’ve been there a couple times in your life. It’s easy to recognize when you’re there: you know things have to change, need to change, must change, but you just can’t seem to find a way to dig yourself out from the mess.

 

You become bogged down with feelings and emotions that seem to get heavier and heavier.  Before you know it, you’ve become comfortable where you are and you stay. Being comfortable while not actually being content or happy is… at least, predictable. Readjustment is an unknown quantity.

 

Some people stay longer than others. Resilient individuals move on.

 

Readjusting your life takes energy and momentum.  Chances are, you might not feel like you have the energy to take on or accept a new situation. You figure that you’ll just get through another day, another week, and another month right where you are.  There is a risk in this approach: you can wake up and realize that for years you’ve been thinking about things while still hanging on to the past. And the truth is, the past really hadn’t been working for quite some time.

 

It truly doesn’t matter who you are or what part of your life you are struggling with right now.  It could be your career, your employees at work, or a piece of your personal life— it’s all the same.  In order to live a healthy successful life, the ability to readjust is crucial.  It directly impacts your overall resilience skills in life. This ability to deftly redirect and find a new path, new thinking, and not get stuck in the “way it was or should be” is your key to success.

 

So, are you investing energy into something when you really need to let go?  Have they proposed a new policy at work that’s difficult for you to accept and take the needed steps forward?  Are you tired of a relationship in your life that’s not working but can’t seem to move beyond talking about it? Are you feeling bored in your career and need to change your direction but can’t seem to get started? Do you need a lifestyle overhaul to become a bit healthier?

 

Then readjust.

 

Let’s get as many people on board as possible to readjust and move on. Make a pact to send this to just ONE PERSON that might need a little push in the right direction. You never know, it might just be the very thing that gives them the momentum to change.

 

Readjust

images fish juumping

My son left the other day to go back to his on-campus house for the summer.  He has already graduated but he’ll be living in Michigan until he makes his big move to the West Coast.  He spent two weeks at home with my husband and I.  We enjoyed shopping trips, dog walks and nice dinners together. All in all, we had a wonderful time.

 

When he left Sunday afternoon, the house was eerily quiet and I felt a strange sadness.  He was gone and it had occurred to me that it was probably the last long visit he would ever spend at home. Things would never be the same. I thought about that for a while. And then I thought about how it was time to readjust.

 

By Tuesday, my husband and I were in a new routine and were busy focusing on our plans for a bike trip to Chicago. We were mapping out our route and finding a hotel in the perfect area.  Yes, it was definitely time to readjust and move on.

 

So what’s the option if you don’t readjust and move on?  Being stuck.  I’m sure you’ve been there a couple times in your life. It’s easy to recognize when you’re there: you know things have to change, need to change, must change, but you just can’t seem to find a way to dig yourself out from the mess.

 

You become bogged down with feelings and emotions that seem to get heavier and heavier.  Before you know it, you’ve become comfortable where you are and you stay. Being comfortable while not actually being content or happy is… at least, predictable. Readjustment is an unknown quantity.

 

Some people stay longer than others. Resilient individuals move on.

 

Readjusting your life takes energy and momentum.  Chances are, you might not feel like you have the energy to take on or accept a new situation. You figure that you’ll just get through another day, another week, and another month right where you are.  There is a risk in this approach: you can wake up and realize that for years you’ve been thinking about things while still hanging on to the past. And the truth is, the past really hadn’t been working for quite some time.

 

It truly doesn’t matter who you are or what part of your life you are struggling with right now.  It could be your career, your employees at work, or a piece of your personal life— it’s all the same.  In order to live a healthy successful life, the ability to readjust is crucial.  It directly impacts your overall resilience skills in life. This ability to deftly redirect and find a new path, new thinking, and not get stuck in the “way it was or should be” is your key to success.

 

So, are you investing energy into something when you really need to let go?  Have they proposed a new policy at work that’s difficult for you to accept and take the needed steps forward?  Are you tired of a relationship in your life that’s not working but can’t seem to move beyond talking about it? Are you feeling bored in your career and need to change your direction but can’t seem to get started? Do you need a lifestyle overhaul to become a bit healthier?

 

Then readjust.

 

Let’s get as many people on board as possible to readjust and move on. Make a pact to send this to just ONE PERSON that might need a little push in the right direction. You never know, it might just be the very thing that gives them the momentum to change.

 

Perfectionitis

images perfection

A few years ago, I spoke to a large group of moms about finding happiness in life.  The audience was a diverse mix of mothers; ones that stayed home with their children and ones that combined a career with motherhood.  I have to admit that I received a number of really fabulous questions from the audience.  However, there’s one question that I can’t seem to ever forget.

 

I believe it best represents this idea of perfection that some people strive to achieve.

 

A woman in the back of the audience stood up and shared that no matter how productive she is during the day, she feels like a failure if she goes to bed and her floors aren’t clean.  She admitted that most nights, she lies in bed thinking about how she failed again because her floors are filthy.  She was exhausted for feeling this way but didn’t quite know what to do about it.

 

I asked her if she truly thought that when her kids grow up they would remember whether their floors were spotless in their childhood. Not a chance. However, they would remember their relationship with their mother and the feelings of warmth they received from their family.  Now, let me be clear that I’m not advocating an unclean home by any means. What I am advocating for is a rational approach to housekeeping and the ability to forgive your self if things aren’t exactly perfect in every part of your life.

 

Perfection can be an exhausting habit to maintain over time. I know firsthand that it can control and severely limit your life.  Yes, I’m writing this as a recovered perfectionist.

 

But somewhere along the way of gaining more self-awareness and understanding, I made a decision that perfection was not something positive to attain in my professional or personal life. Most of the time, I was able to control this dysfunctional approach to life, but once and awhile it would rear its ugly head again. For example, I remember when I was working on my Masters and I took a final in one of my hardest classes.  I came home extremely upset because I was convinced that I received a bad grade on the exam. If I received a B or C on the exam, I would receive a B in the class. If I received a B in the class, I would no longer graduate with a perfect 4.0. If I didn’t graduate with a perfect 4.0, apparently, the world will have ended.

 

I emailed my professor and explained my concern over how bad I had done on the test. I was anxious, sad and quite a mess for the next 30 minutes.  That’s exactly how long it took for my professor to write me back. I received a very long letter from him about his life and his struggles.  I got halfway through this letter and stopped to question why any of this had to do with MY issue.  Then I continued to read and understood the meaning.  He was sharing how his struggles, and his grades had no significance to his current success in his life.  His grades were just grades— that’s it.

 

Finally, I got to the end of the long letter and read the last line.

 

“Oh, by the way, if it still truly matters to you, you got an A on the exam, which means that you got an A in the class”.

 

I felt like a fool. In fact, the whole thing made me think about how perfection can be destructive. Was I really not a worthy person if I received a B?

 

That’s what striving for perfection really comes down to: your feelings of worthiness as a human being. As long as you meet all the expectations set by you, for you, you have a shot at being a worthy individual.  The minute you fall short, you have failed the test of life.

 

I hope you reevaluate this expectation and change some thinking, as I did years ago.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weeding

images dandelion

 

I worked at my desk for way too long and I couldn’t concentrate anymore.  On top of that, it was 85 degrees outside and I was itching to enjoy the beautiful weather.  I decided that I would go for a quick walk to clear my head. As I walked outside the front door and looked around, I marveled at the front yard. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time.

 

I noticed that there were some weeds cropping up in one of the flowerbeds, so I decided to delay my walk and take care of it.  I looked around and noticed the lush green grass and the flowered trees. As I neared the front of the house, I spotted it.  There, in the middle of a nicely manicured bed, was the biggest weed that I had ever seen. It had a very thick stem and a large yellow flower. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that the flower/weed was at least 5 feet high. If you’re wondering if I’m confused and that it really was a flower, I can 100% assure you that it was a weed.

 

As I stepped over to the gargantuan weed, I wondered how I had missed it for so long. Much to my dismay, this 5-foot behemoth was not hidden behind bushes.  This flower/weed was not obscured from any vantage point in the front yard.  How was it possible that this weed went unnoticed by me?

 

I grabbed it and yanked hard, pulling it out of the ground. I ceremoniously carried the weed to the trashcan and threw it out.  On my way, I looked around to see if anyone was watching me.  In my mind, I wondered how many neighbors had obviously noticed the weed and were taking bets on when I was going to finally do something about it.

 

As I went for my walk, I wondered how I could have left my house numerous times during the day and driven back into the driveway without ever noticing the obvious. I mean, it was HUGE and in plain sight. I decided that the reason that I didn’t see the weed was because I didn’t want to see it.

 

As humans, we are wired to seek out pleasure and avoid pain. If you think about it, everything in life comes down to these two things.  Let me tell you a secret— I don’t like working in the yard.  To me, it’s a pain. I’ve been putting off planting my flowers and other yard work for sometime now. As I thought honestly about this, I realized that I hadn’t noticed the obvious because it was painful for me.  I avoided looking at the yard at all costs. This way, I didn’t have to feel any pain or discomfort and could go about my life. Yes, this sounded like denial to me.

 

As I faced the music, I made a commitment to change this negative pattern.  No matter how much progress you make in handling issues in a proactive manner, now and then, you can easily revert back into negative patterns from your past.  So here’s you’re wake-up call— is there something in your own life that you’ve been conveniently avoiding?  Are there some weeds that you need to attend to in your own garden?

 

I have faith that you’ll take the steps to move forward in your life.

 

 

Technology: Blessing or Stress?

technology head

 

As you probably know from reading past blogs, long distance bike riding is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. My husband and I go on 50-mile trips every weekend. A few months ago, he purchased a new and improved bike. He felt that the difference in the ride was incredible.

 

Would anyone like to guess what I received for my birthday a few months ago?  That’s right, a new and improved bike. He wanted me to be able to keep up with him on our long bike rides and felt that this bike would make all the difference. He also purchased a Garmin device that could constantly monitor my speed, heart rate, calorie burn and a multitude of other things.  This monitor system is attached to my bike so I can view my progress at all times.

 

After the first trip on my bike, I commented to my husband that I didn’t feel like I usually do after a ride.  He looked at me, confused. Usually after a ride, I feel accomplished and relaxed with my brain rested and rejuvenated.  I just didn’t feel this way. I chalked it up to being hyper alert on my new bike.  I decided I wasn’t totally comfortable yet and that I needed time.

 

By the second trip, I was definitely getting used to my bike and comfortable with the new gears.  However, during and after the ride, I felt the same feelings as before. Where were my feelings of accomplishment and rejuvenation?

 

I decided that I needed to figure out what had changed in the experience. The ride had gone from pure enjoyment to something more akin to work.  I thought back to the rides I took last year.  Some of my best writing ideas came to me on my rides. The most ingenious ideas for my speaking presentations seemed to arrive out of thin air. I created fabulous plans for my business on my biking trips.  There was something about the exercise, coupled with the natural landscape— it was the perfect recipe for problem solving and idea creation.

 

Instead of creating, my brain was constantly busy monitoring the Garmin.  I was tracking my progress second by second— was I going too slow, was I going the right pace?  I was obsessed with watching the change of speed and the slow creeping of the distance. I no longer noticed the trees and plants or the wildlife that I encountered along the trail. I spent the whole 4 hours staring at the ever-changing screen instead of taking in the sights and smells.  This constant monitoring was destroying my experience. This constant monitoring made me stressed.

 

I had lost my favorite part of the whole experience— being mindful and present.  I had lost the ability to just let go.

 

Technology certainly plays an important part in today’s society.  I’d be lost without my computer, phone, iPad etc.  However, sometimes it can hold us back from being at our best and living in the now. We need to make a point of disconnecting and being in the present.

The Blame Game

image blame

 

When I was engaged, I had a talk with my future husband about my birthday.  I explained to him what birthdays were like in my house growing up.  My parents never overindulged us with presents— there wasn’t a lot of money.  However, I was always treated very special. I would wake up in the morning to my mother singing Happy Birthday and could request the cake of my choice. We always celebrated out at a restaurant where I could order whatever I wanted.

 

Anyway, I informed him before we were married that in order for me to be happy, I needed to be treated special on my birthday. I didn’t need extravagant presents, I just needed to be treated special. I explained to him in detail what that entailed.

 

I’m sure it’s no surprise to find out that in 32 years of marriage, I’ve never been disappointed on my birthday.  He has never forgotten the day and has always made me feel special. Therefore, my expectations have always matched my actual reality.

 

When I think back to different phases of my life, I can’t recall too many times where my expectations weren’t in sync with my reality. My ability to verbalize what I needed in my personal and professional life led me to being happy with the outcome.

 

I have come to the realization that much of our disappointment and unhappiness in life surrounds this notion of having expectations.  A person is capable of spending way too much time focusing on how their reality isn’t what they expected in their career and personal life.  But just like my birthday story, each one of us has equal opportunity to seize control of our own chunk of happiness.  The answer is simple: you can state clearly what you want and need in life.

 

Doesn’t this seem like such a simple solution to a problem?  All you have to do is state what you expect and need in life.  If this is so simple, why is this so difficult? Why do we play so many games, waiting to see if people are going to deliver what we need?  Why are we so afraid to tell people what we want?

 

The first step to assessing your own ability in this area is to be totally honest. How often do you find yourself unhappy because you expected more? Do you state clearly in your career what you need or do you expect others to figure it out?  Do you tell your friends and family what you need to be happy or do you find yourself complaining because someone has let you down?

 

And here’s the million-dollar question— do you find that this is a recurring theme in every facet of your life?  Do you keep wanting and hoping for things, expecting others to just know, and then are you disappointed in others actions and your own consequences?

 

If this mirrors your life in any way, I want you to know that all is not lost.  You can always change your behavior, which will certainly change your life.  If you haven’t shared what you need and want consistently in your life, then you should hold YOU accountable for not getting what you want. Realize that you hold the key in your relationship with your boss, your employees, or your family members. Stop playing the blame game and accept responsibility for your own situation.

 

 

Pet Peeves

pet peeves

 

I have a confession to make to all of you— I have a couple of pet peeves. Yes, there are a few things that I find particularly annoying.  I came to this conclusion today when I felt myself getting quite upset over something that happened.

 

I believe that I’ve demonstrated on a pretty consistent basis that I’m a fairly calm and even-keeled person.  I take what life throws at me in a pretty cool manner and I bounce back fairly quick.

 

With that said, I did some hard thinking when I was working out today, wondering why I reacted so strongly to a recent event. I decided to figure out WHY it bothered me so much. Why do I react so strongly to certain things when I let the majority of stuff that happens throughout the day just slide off my back? Well, here’s what I found.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that are late.

When I did some deep thinking on this subject, I began to have a vision. I’m about 7 years old and I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with my brother.  We’re yelling upstairs for my sister to hurry up because we’re late for Sunday School.  This same scene played out every week in our house. My sister was never able to come down on time. In fact, my sister was never able to get to any event without running late.  I remember years later, at an event to honor my son, I didn’t even expect my sister to get there on time— which she did not.

 

Now, I’m still not sure why she was always late. However, I do know that I acquired a strong distaste for people that aren’t on time.  Apparently, it triggers some negative feelings that developed many years ago. This piece of information is important to know. Recognizing why I’m reacting so strongly to an event helps me deal with the situation.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that commit and then don’t deliver.

Those of you that know me really well are probably laughing and nodding your head.  You’ve seen me get upset about this very thing. After some deep thought, I realized this one is also rooted in my upbringing.  My mother and father always taught me that your word means something.  If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. I’ve lived my life this way, and it always surprises me when others don’t feel the same.  This one is a strong trigger for me— especially if the individual doesn’t take any accountability for not following through.

 

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about your own “pet peeves” that drive you crazy.  There’s a reason WHY you react so strongly to them and it might be helpful for you to understand just what it is.  What’s the story underneath that pet peeve?  What past experiences have shaped your perceptions? It might help you to better comprehend why you react so strongly to a boss, peer at work, family member or a friend.

 

The next time your pet peeve strikes, you can step back and remind yourself WHY you are reacting so strongly to the situation.  Then, you can give thought as to whether this situation is truly worthy of the emotional energy you’re expending.

 

Chances are, it’s not.

Pet Peeves

pet peeves

 

I have a confession to make to all of you— I have a couple of pet peeves. Yes, there are a few things that I find particularly annoying.  I came to this conclusion today when I felt myself getting quite upset over something that happened.

 

I believe that I’ve demonstrated on a pretty consistent basis that I’m a fairly calm and even-keeled person.  I take what life throws at me in a pretty cool manner and I bounce back fairly quick.

 

With that said, I did some hard thinking when I was working out today, wondering why I reacted so strongly to a recent event. I decided to figure out WHY it bothered me so much. Why do I react so strongly to certain things when I let the majority of stuff that happens throughout the day just slide off my back? Well, here’s what I found.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that are late.

When I did some deep thinking on this subject, I began to have a vision. I’m about 7 years old and I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with my brother.  We’re yelling upstairs for my sister to hurry up because we’re late for Sunday School.  This same scene played out every week in our house. My sister was never able to come down on time. In fact, my sister was never able to get to any event without running late.  I remember years later, at an event to honor my son, I didn’t even expect my sister to get there on time— which she did not.

 

Now, I’m still not sure why she was always late. However, I do know that I acquired a strong distaste for people that aren’t on time.  Apparently, it triggers some negative feelings that developed many years ago. This piece of information is important to know. Recognizing why I’m reacting so strongly to an event helps me deal with the situation.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that commit and then don’t deliver.

Those of you that know me really well are probably laughing and nodding your head.  You’ve seen me get upset about this very thing. After some deep thought, I realized this one is also rooted in my upbringing.  My mother and father always taught me that your word means something.  If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. I’ve lived my life this way, and it always surprises me when others don’t feel the same.  This one is a strong trigger for me— especially if the individual doesn’t take any accountability for not following through.

 

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about your own “pet peeves” that drive you crazy.  There’s a reason WHY you react so strongly to them and it might be helpful for you to understand just what it is.  What’s the story underneath that pet peeve?  What past experiences have shaped your perceptions? It might help you to better comprehend why you react so strongly to a boss, peer at work, family member or a friend.

 

The next time your pet peeve strikes, you can step back and remind yourself WHY you are reacting so strongly to the situation.  Then, you can give thought as to whether this situation is truly worthy of the emotional energy you’re expending.

 

Chances are, it’s not.