Tag: happiness

The last days of summer are coming to an end and kids everywhere are gearing up for another new year. This time always reminds me of getting ready for the school year as a child. I can still vividly remember the feeling of waking up on the first day of school. Even though I wasn’t used to the new early routine, I would enthusiastically jump out of bed as soon as my mother came in my room. Excited to wear my new shoes and outfit, I would get dressed and then run downstairs to eat breakfast. Since it was the first day of school, I would be ready to walk out the door ahead of schedule. I would meet my friends at the corner and happily walk to school.

Everything was so new to me on that first day— I had no idea what to expect. My new teacher would always be very different from the one I had the previous year. I would have to adjust to her style, her attitude and her expectations. There would be all new kids in my classroom to get to know. Who knew whether some of them would become my friends? And what would I do if I didn’t have someone to eat lunch with in a few hours? In spite of all this uncertainty, I was still excited to see how the day would unfold.

Did you ever consider how much change you went through when you were young? Things were always being altered and you were constantly growing and being challenged. Nothing in life seemed to stay the same for long. So, what happened to you when you grew up? How did CHANGE become much more difficult for you?

The number one issue I help women with is the change in their lives. There are times in a girlfriend’s life when it becomes more comfortable and safe to keep everything the same— even if staying there doesn’t make you happy. You might believe that maintaining the status quo is much easier for you than charting unknown territory. The reality is that knowing you should change but not moving forward because of your fear wreaks havoc on your self-esteem!

So, this is what I want to say to you, girlfriends— take that risk and make that change! Channel your inner child and view your life as an adventure, just like you did when you were young and starting in your new class. Get out, meet new people and make some new friends. Join a new exercise group or get involved in a book club. Challenge your intellect and move your body! Take an honest inventory of your life and decide where you want to be and how you are going to get there. Girlfriends, whatever your dream is, it can be yours if you embrace change.

A while back, I was shopping in a women’s clothing store. While engrossed in the sales rack, I heard someone say, “What do you think?”. I looked up and realized that I was standing next to the sales clerk and a woman. She had just come out of the dressing room in a complete outfit. The woman asked me again, “What do you think— which pair of earrings do you like with the whole outfit”? I looked her up and down and replied that either pair matched and it really came down to which one she liked better. She stated that she didn’t know and really wanted my opinion. After some discussion, I encouraged her to pick the pair that was outside her comfort zone. She anxiously commented that she had a big date and she wanted to look perfect. She felt that her date would surely notice every detail, including her bracelet. I chuckled and said, “You don’t want him to notice your bracelet— you want him to notice YOU!

She looked confused by this so we talked further about her life. (Yes, this happens to me all the time, striking up conversations with perfect strangers in all kinds of places). She confided that she had been divorced a couple years and she was very nervous about dating again. She mentioned to me numerous times during the course of the conversation that her date was extremely smart. It was apparent that his intelligence intimidated her, so I was interested in learning what she did in her career. Realizing that she had a very demanding job, I commented that she must be quite smart herself. It was not surprising that she tried to deflect this compliment.

After listening to the rest of her story, I interrupted her and said, “You have this all wrong— this is not about whether you look good enough and are good enough for him. This is really about— does he deserve you?” I went on, “This date is about YOU deciding whether this guy is good enough for YOU, if he deserves YOU in his life, and would he bring to YOUR life what you need and want?” She looked blankly at me and then a smile came to her face. Apparently, this had never occurred to her.

I often come across women that are working so diligently to serve other’s needs, they lose sight of the fact they have a say-so in the matter. Again, this goes back to women wanting to please others and become what others want them to be. Will I be pretty enough, will I be smart enough, and will I make him happy? For some girlfriends, this becomes a way of life and permeates every part of their daily existence. What about you— your needs, your wants, your desires? You will never get what you want in life until you realize that you deserve the best and will only accept the best.

My new girlfriend had been through a bad divorce and was on the cusp of starting a new relationship. The problem was that she was walking into this date with the absolute wrong frame of mind. She needed to change her way of thinking and realize that the way to her true happiness was to love and know her self and what she needed in life to be happy. If she gains this knowledge, then everything else will fall into place.

Do you have an “inner critic” that gives you a hard time? Come on, we all have that ongoing dialogue that streams through our consciousness while we go about our daily life. It comments, independently from our active mind, on the minutia of the day. As we are getting dressed in the morning, we are maybe half aware of the background noise that goes through our mind. It sounds a little like this,
“Wow, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those two brownies?”…. “Look how fat I am in these pants— why don’t I exercise enough?”… “Everyone else seems to be able to do this, but I’m just a weak person and I can’t.”

Unless you are actively aware of these thoughts, you don’t even realize that they are busy tearing your self-esteem to shreds and making you downright miserable. More often than not, these streams of consciousness are negative. They spew all kinds of venom into our minds and contaminate how we feel about ourselves. This, in turn, affects how we approach our relationships, our careers, and our lives. As you can imagine, the key to changing your life is to take on the back seat driver that’s calling the shots.

A couple of years ago, I interviewed for a position in a top-notch organization. I believed that this job was perfect for me and I decided that I really wanted the job. The interview went extremely well and I believed that I had this one “all sewed up”. Two weeks later, I received the email explaining how incredible my background was but the company had decided on another applicant. I am sure we can all agree that letters that wax on about our wonderful talent yet make clear that they don’t want us to work for their company are not fun.

My inner critic immediately went to work, doing a grand job. It sounded something like this, “When did I mess it up in the interview?”…”I shouldn’t have brought up that one part of my_____”… “If only I hadn’t talked about that previous experience”…”Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up”…”I used to be an awesome interviewer but I must have lost my skills” Suffice to say, I made myself miserable.

Let’s jump to the other day when I was at a networking event. I introduced myself to a woman and shook her hand. She looked at me intently and stated that she felt that she knew me from somewhere. I laughed and told her that I always look familiar to people. I talked to other people in the room and about 45 minutes later, I went over to talk to her again. She suddenly got excited. “I’ve got it, I know why I know you— I interviewed you for that position at XYZ Company and you didn’t get the job because you were WAY OVERQUALIFIED for that position. She said much more but my mind was stuck on the way overqualified part. Really? I wasted all that time cutting myself down and that’s what it was? They were too impressed with my background?

So there you have it. The majority of the time, even women that are self-confident fall victim to the “back-seat driver’s” spewed toxin. Let this be a lesson to you, girlfriend. Make a pact to kick your back-seat driver out of your head!

Did you know just how important it is for humans to receive physical touch? Studies have repeatedly shown that children, when denied consistent physical touch cannot survive and thrive in life. It has been proven time and time again that the need for physical touch in infant’s early years is paramount to their physical and emotional health. An infant craves physical touch and emotional connection as much as he or she requires food and air to breathe.

I have memories of my mom taking me out shopping when I was very young. My mother was very friendly and seemed to engage with everyone on a personal level. I have a vision of standing in the grocery line at the store while the cashier discussed her personal life with my mom. I found all of this very strange, but the part I found to be the strangest of all was my mother’s need to touch people when she talked to them. My mother had the need to touch your arm or hand when engaged in conversation with you. This embarrassed me to no end. I would stand there impatiently hoping she would “release them” so we could leave. Little did I know that my mother was truly connecting with people and giving people what they needed with words and her touch.

In the early days training to become a Mental Health Therapist, one of my first clients was a young couple. They had just miscarried their 6-month-old baby the day before the appointment. They were distraught and in much pain. With no training manual to handle this situation, I sensed the right thing to do was to just listen. After the two of them shared and cried throughout the entire session, I had to inform them that their time was over. They got up to leave, exhausted and spent. Again, I went with my instincts and embraced the two of them before they left the room. They seemed grateful for my hug and went on their way. For months afterward, I deliberated whether I had done the right thing. That was not something that was accepted in our training and could be seen as unprofessional.

As I look back on that, I understand my need to conform to what was acceptable behavior in the workplace. However, my instincts were spot on in that situation. The embrace was healing for the two of them. Since then, my belief in the power of touch has grown ten fold. I consistently use this in my work with clients to convey needed comfort, support and acceptance.

So girlfriend, the question for you is, do you use touch in your daily conversation to nonverbally communicate your feelings? Did you know that human touch slows your heart rate, decreases blood pressure and strengthens the immune system? It decreases anxiety by releasing endorphins in the body, the feel good hormones. I guess you could say that human touch can be some pretty powerful medicine.

Looking back, I believe that my Mom was really on to something with her “touching” that I found so uncomfortable at a young age. Now that I think of it, I believe that my mom has left her legacy. I now find it difficult to have a conversation with someone without touching their arm or hand. Thanks Mom!

Yesterday, I ran into a parent that recognized me as the “mother of Alex”. I couldn’t tell you what this man’s name was but I knew that he looked familiar. As he began speaking, I vaguely remembered that he had a daughter. He struck up a conversation with me and wanted to know how my son was doing. Apparently he remembered Alex well, so I told him that Alex had a good year, gave him the name of the school that he attended and shared that he was home for the summer and working. I felt that the amount of information I gave him was appropriate for how well I knew this man.

Because he had asked how my son was doing, I politely inquired as to how his daughter was doing this year. The next fifteen minutes were filled with the many accolades that his daughter was achieving in her life. By the time I was done listening, I knew that his daughter was in the honors program at her university, had a 3.93 average for the year, made the Deans List each quarter, and had placed out of many, many classes due to her Advanced Placement classes taken in high school. In fact, he added that she had felt that school was very easy!

My new “friend” finally took a breath and asked what Alex’s major was. I replied with one word: music. Honestly, I didn’t want to lengthen this conversation anymore than I had to. That one word I shared led to another five minutes of conversation where he described his daughter’s incredible talent in music and how she had received numerous full scholarships in music but chose to turn them down to do something much more incredible. He added that she had been recognized statewide for music awards, was fluent in Spanish and was becoming fluent in other languages. For some reason, I can’t remember what her major was in college- it’s very possible that my brain turned off.

Now don’t get me wrong- I love hearing about young men and women finding success in their lives. I want them to be challenged and find where they belong in the world. The problem with this specific encounter was that I hardly knew this man. Why would he think that I would be interested in learning about the details of his daughter’s grade point or the financials behind the money they received for school? In fact, why would anyone beyond her family and close friends really be interested in this information? In this conversation, I learned absolutely nothing about how she was doing.

The point is, I don’t expect or want him to share all this information. Sometimes, I’d like more parents to realize that success in a young person’s life is not ONLY about external achievements. Being a success in life is uncovering your strengths and talents and deciding how you would like to utilize your gifts. Being a success in life is about learning and accepting who you are, staying strong for what you believe in and following your heart. Being a success in life is about becoming adept at relationship building- knowing how to keep and nurture friendships, and knowing how to navigate romantic and work relationships. Being a success is about gaining insight into what is important in your life and finding your voice with others. Finally, being a success is becoming a strong woman and knowing what you need to be happy.

If you go to a bookstore, chances are, you can get lost in the self-help section. It can be overwhelming simply perusing through the many relationship books. Somehow each book promises to share the secrets to the perfect life, snagging the perfect man, and ultimately having the perfect relationship. Well, let’s get something out in the open right now− there is no perfect life, no perfect relationship and definitely no perfect man. (Hopefully you already knew that.) There are, however, a couple constants that exist in every healthy, happy relationship:

• Both partners in the relationship respect and trust each other. In other words, you like what you see in this man. He has the qualities that you respect in your friends and family, and the ones that you aspire to possess for yourself. Most of the time (they all have their moments), you are proud of him and proud to be with him. He feels the exact same way about you.

• Both partners allow each other to be individuals first, a couple second. Your man and you have your own interests and identity. You are not dependent on him for your identity and vice versa. You are two emotionally healthy individuals that come together to be a great couple. He brings out the best in you and you bring out the best in him. He pushes you to be your best and accomplish your goals in life and you do the same for him.

• This is your best friend and the one you want to share the best of life with, and the one you run to when things go bad. This is how you develop intimacy- sharing the good, the scary, and the bad. He knows the real you and you know him inside and out. This is called being your “authentic self’ with each other. You can count on each other to be there- no matter the situation.

Now, here girlfriends, is the real important one

• You are both very aware when you are not getting your needs met in the relationship. You are able to articulate what you need to be happy to your partner without attacking and game playing. This is a difficult one for a lot of women. Women often struggle being able to communicate their needs for a variety of reasons; feeling they don’t deserve better, fear of rejection or just not understanding self. Some women expect the man to “figure it out” and when he can’t, they are angry.

There are many many more ingredients to a happy and healthy relationship but these build a strong foundation. If these are in place, there is a very good chance that the relationship can grow and thrive!!

Things were going well in the Cincinnati Bike Ride until I hit mile 36. In fact, things were going better than well. In the week before the event, I was fearful that I would not have the stamina to make it through 45 miles, since the most I had ever ridden on my bike was 27. But here I was, only nine miles to go, feeling strong and full of energy. My biking friend, Barb, had just announced to the three of us, “We are so good!” I laughed and agreed with her. At that point, I realized that very little stood in the way of me accomplishing my goal of completing the ride. A deep groove in the pavement along the side of the road changed everything for me..

I don’t remember much about the incident other than the following: my bike aligned with the slim, deep groove on the road berm and I struggled to get back out. I was going at a fast pace, which made the maneuvering much more difficult. I remember trying to keep my balance, but losing my battle and hitting the pavement with the right side of my head and body. My head banged hard on the road and I struggled to pick it up. A policeman seemed to appear out of nowhere and insist that I had hit my head very hard and that I should not move. I also recall a Good Samaritan trying to get my bike unclipped from my shoe— the bike was still connected to me. I announced that I felt sick and had a headache convincing everyone that I had a concussion— everyone but me. I figured that I was sick to my stomach because my body was reacting to a crisis, and my head hurt because it just got banged on the pavement.

As they rushed me to University Hospital, I stared at the ceiling of the rescue squad in disbelief. Is this really happening? Why did I have to do this? Why me? Was it something I did that made this happen? I was so disappointed. As they examined me at the hospital, they told me how lucky I was that I had escaped with so few injuries. The doctors and nurses shared that it was because I was an athlete that I was able to sustain the fall so well. For a second, that made me feel good but that feeling didn’t last long. I was sad, angry and upset that this had to happen to me when all I wanted to do was finish the race.

By the next day, something changed for me. First of all, my body ached like an 85-year-old woman’s. The reality of what my body had sustained began to sink in. I had been struggling with the fact that things did not happen the way I had planned them, but I was slowly realizing how lucky I was. I was bruised and battered but my head was fine. I realized that if I hadn’t been wearing my helmet, I definitely wouldn’t have walked out of the emergency room.

My bike accident is like many experiences you have in your life. You make a plan, and you believe you know just how things will turn out. But the reality is that life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect it to turn out. Sometimes bad things happen when you least expect it, and you need to find a way to make peace with it, move on and try again. Whether it’s the ending of a relationship, a lost sale in business or a bike crash, you need to find the courage to begin a relationship anew, give your all to a new business deal, or, in my case, get back on your bike and go for an awesome ride!

I work with women that want to make a positive change in their lives. Early into our work, we will have a conversation about being in touch with their “authentic self”. They look at me, confused by this statement. They often ask, “How do I become in touch with my authentic self and what does that even mean?” Just for the record, living as your authentic self requires you to know who you truly are and living your life accordingly. In other words, it’s being faithful to the values, skills and gifts that were given to you and utilizing them on a daily basis.Continue reading