Unfinished Business

image headI recently attended a fundraising event where I didn’t know a number of people. When it was time to sit down for lunch, I worked my way over to a table of all new faces. I introduced myself to the person on my left and then turned to my right. With a smile on my face, I told my tablemate my name and began to make conversation.

 

The next thing out of my mouth was the following:

“So what do you do?” With a stern look on her face, and a negative tone to her comment, she replied, “I work really hard”.

 

I like to think of myself as fairly perceptive when it comes to people and the communication process. However, this time, I was confused. In the next few seconds I attempted to figure out what was going on in the interaction. My tablemate seemed irritated and I knew that I hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary. I searched my memory to see if I was supposed to recognize this woman and I had disappointed her. I came up with nothing. I needed to figure out why she was reacting to me in such a negative manner.

 

My next move was to agree with her. “I’m sure you do work hard.” Then, it occurred to me that maybe she took offense to the question, “what do you do”. So then I asked her in a light way what she works hard DOING. She began to share how she works at home with her teenage children. After we got over that hump, she began to loosen up. She shared a little about her life and we proceeded to get along just fine.

 

Apparently, her decision to work from home was colored with much emotion. Of course, I had no idea that I was walking into such a landmine. I had just met her! However, I’m imagining that in her mind, I had a lot of nerve to ask her what she does. In her mind, she feels that people are looking down on her because she isn’t working. In her mind, she’s angry that I had the audacity to ask her that question and act like she doesn’t work hard.

 

In her mind, she thinks I’m judging her.

 

Of course you know that’s not the truth. I was innocently trying to make conversation with a tablemate. However, from where she sat, the judging seemed very real.

 

There have been times that I’ve misinterpreted other’s actions and words because of what I was grappling with in my own head. My negative thoughts misconstrued the actual message that the other person was trying to convey to me. I’m also pretty positive that the same thing has happened to you on more than one occasion. You have had mistakes in thinking fueled by some “unfinished business”. I’m referring to that “stuff” that triggers you to react and respond inaccurately to the sent message. That stuff triggers you to not only misinterpret the message, but also can negatively impact the outcome of the situation. Your behavior at these moments can squelch opportunities for your future.

That unfinished business will continue to haunt you until it gets addressed and dealt with head on.

 

So, do yourself a favor and deal with what’s clogging up your brain so you can be more effective in your personal and professional life!

Get Somewhat Happy

image emotionsIf I had a dollar for every time someone has said that they’re “depressed”, I’d be rich by now. You see, being a Mental Health therapist, it’s hard to ignore someone that says that to you. I take it seriously— very seriously. Hearing that word compels me to ask a myriad of questions to get to the heart of the situation. Hearing that word puts me on high alert to closely evaluate the true meaning of their statement.

 

In today’s world, “I’m depressed” can take on a whole different meaning. Often, they’re trying to say, “I’m sad”, or “I’m very unhappy”. That’s vastly different from “I’m depressed”. Feeling sad is a pretty normal emotion over a lifetime. It’s a given that people will experience situations that will make them sad. However, for many people, the minute that they feel a negative, uncomfortable emotion, they don’t quite know what to do with it. It seems as if having any tolerance for uncomfortable emotions has been drastically reduced for many of us. Our ability to ride the waves— a sign of resilience, has diminished.

 

Our culture is filled with messages that tell us that life’s expectation is to be blissfully happy. We should strive to find happiness in our careers, our relationships and beyond. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Personally, I want to be happy too. However, I realize that life is filled with normal ups and downs. Not every minute of your life is going to be filled with the good stuff. This belief has become deeply ingrained in our culture, which leaves many of us to feel that we’re losing out on the good life.

 

The truth is that feeling sad, angry, and hurt does serve a purpose. In fact, it can be very good for you.

 

Negative emotions spur us on to change our lives. They give us the strength and push to go after that new position we want in our career, or finally take that leap in our business. It’s the impetus for us to sever a bad relationship or finally move out on our own. It protects us from staying in dangerous situations where we can be hurt. It encourages us to have that “aha!” moment in our careers.

 

The truth is that we need our negative emotions to help us become the best version of ourselves.

 

Instead of trying to numb our feelings when we’re down or sad, maybe we should search within to discover how we can grow from the experience. Ask yourself this question:

 

What is my sadness and pain trying to tell me? What do I need to change?

I believe each one of us needs to reset our “happiness meter” a bit. We should consider that being content is a good goal as we ride the waves of life. Emotions are the barometer that helps us gauge what CHANGES we need to make in our life. Learn to walk through your sad feelings and you’ll find that you like what’s waiting on the other side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pet Peeves

pet peeves

 

I have a confession to make to all of you— I have a couple of pet peeves. Yes, there are a few things that I find particularly annoying.  I came to this conclusion today when I felt myself getting quite upset over something that happened.

 

I believe that I’ve demonstrated on a pretty consistent basis that I’m a fairly calm and even-keeled person.  I take what life throws at me in a pretty cool manner and I bounce back fairly quick.

 

With that said, I did some hard thinking when I was working out today, wondering why I reacted so strongly to a recent event. I decided to figure out WHY it bothered me so much. Why do I react so strongly to certain things when I let the majority of stuff that happens throughout the day just slide off my back? Well, here’s what I found.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that are late.

When I did some deep thinking on this subject, I began to have a vision. I’m about 7 years old and I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with my brother.  We’re yelling upstairs for my sister to hurry up because we’re late for Sunday School.  This same scene played out every week in our house. My sister was never able to come down on time. In fact, my sister was never able to get to any event without running late.  I remember years later, at an event to honor my son, I didn’t even expect my sister to get there on time— which she did not.

 

Now, I’m still not sure why she was always late. However, I do know that I acquired a strong distaste for people that aren’t on time.  Apparently, it triggers some negative feelings that developed many years ago. This piece of information is important to know. Recognizing why I’m reacting so strongly to an event helps me deal with the situation.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that commit and then don’t deliver.

Those of you that know me really well are probably laughing and nodding your head.  You’ve seen me get upset about this very thing. After some deep thought, I realized this one is also rooted in my upbringing.  My mother and father always taught me that your word means something.  If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. I’ve lived my life this way, and it always surprises me when others don’t feel the same.  This one is a strong trigger for me— especially if the individual doesn’t take any accountability for not following through.

 

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about your own “pet peeves” that drive you crazy.  There’s a reason WHY you react so strongly to them and it might be helpful for you to understand just what it is.  What’s the story underneath that pet peeve?  What past experiences have shaped your perceptions? It might help you to better comprehend why you react so strongly to a boss, peer at work, family member or a friend.

 

The next time your pet peeve strikes, you can step back and remind yourself WHY you are reacting so strongly to the situation.  Then, you can give thought as to whether this situation is truly worthy of the emotional energy you’re expending.

 

Chances are, it’s not.

Pet Peeves

pet peeves

 

I have a confession to make to all of you— I have a couple of pet peeves. Yes, there are a few things that I find particularly annoying.  I came to this conclusion today when I felt myself getting quite upset over something that happened.

 

I believe that I’ve demonstrated on a pretty consistent basis that I’m a fairly calm and even-keeled person.  I take what life throws at me in a pretty cool manner and I bounce back fairly quick.

 

With that said, I did some hard thinking when I was working out today, wondering why I reacted so strongly to a recent event. I decided to figure out WHY it bothered me so much. Why do I react so strongly to certain things when I let the majority of stuff that happens throughout the day just slide off my back? Well, here’s what I found.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that are late.

When I did some deep thinking on this subject, I began to have a vision. I’m about 7 years old and I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with my brother.  We’re yelling upstairs for my sister to hurry up because we’re late for Sunday School.  This same scene played out every week in our house. My sister was never able to come down on time. In fact, my sister was never able to get to any event without running late.  I remember years later, at an event to honor my son, I didn’t even expect my sister to get there on time— which she did not.

 

Now, I’m still not sure why she was always late. However, I do know that I acquired a strong distaste for people that aren’t on time.  Apparently, it triggers some negative feelings that developed many years ago. This piece of information is important to know. Recognizing why I’m reacting so strongly to an event helps me deal with the situation.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that commit and then don’t deliver.

Those of you that know me really well are probably laughing and nodding your head.  You’ve seen me get upset about this very thing. After some deep thought, I realized this one is also rooted in my upbringing.  My mother and father always taught me that your word means something.  If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. I’ve lived my life this way, and it always surprises me when others don’t feel the same.  This one is a strong trigger for me— especially if the individual doesn’t take any accountability for not following through.

 

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about your own “pet peeves” that drive you crazy.  There’s a reason WHY you react so strongly to them and it might be helpful for you to understand just what it is.  What’s the story underneath that pet peeve?  What past experiences have shaped your perceptions? It might help you to better comprehend why you react so strongly to a boss, peer at work, family member or a friend.

 

The next time your pet peeve strikes, you can step back and remind yourself WHY you are reacting so strongly to the situation.  Then, you can give thought as to whether this situation is truly worthy of the emotional energy you’re expending.

 

Chances are, it’s not.

Knowing When to Fold

I was listening to a friend talk about her career the other day.  She told me that she was content in her first job right out of college when she decided to make the leap to a new position.  Within the first two weeks, she knew that she had made a huge mistake in this move.  Despite this realization, she stayed for another 4 years at this company. Why did she stay? She told herself that she needed to persevere and keep trying harder.

 

If you want to be a success in life, you need to try harder. You need to be inspired to push more.  You need to hold on tighter and never let go.  Just keep pushing yourself and keep trudging forward in your goal. I’ve read countless books, articles, and motivational sites that push this concept.

 

Is this truly the answer to finding success?

 

Not always.  Sometimes the right thing to do is to fold your cards and reassess your place in life. Take a step back and get in touch with your honest self.  As for my friend, she realizes now that she was trying to make something work that was never going to work.  She felt that quitting after one workweek showed weakness and that the strong thing to do, the right thing to do, was to persevere.

 

This really resonated with me.  I’m the queen of motivation and pushing forward in life.  That’s wonderful in most situations, but I can think of a few instances where it didn’t quite benefit me.  For example, there was the time I stayed at a certain job that was so incredibly wrong for me that it was obvious to everyone but me.  I fought the urge daily, thinking that it actually made me a stronger person to fight this urge.  I believed that I would persevere and rise above as the winner.

 

I didn’t. It was a romantic thought but definitely not based in reality. I wasn’t listening to my honest self. If I had listened to my honest self, it would have been screaming back at me to “exit as quickly as possible”.

 

This doesn’t only happen in your career. This happens in your friendships. At some point in your life, you will hold on to a friendship that is way past its expiration date.  At some point, you will realize that the friendship is imbalanced and not functioning well. Despite this fact, you will try harder and harder to make it work. You will take on more responsibility than you should and try desperately to breathe life into something that needs to be let go.  You will convince yourself that the right thing to do is to try harder, because that’s what strong people do. That’s what motivated, successful people do.

 

You’re wrong.

 

I don’t even want to get into intimate relationships.  I’m sure that you’ve had the experience where you’re working much harder than your significant other to build the relationship. You probably convinced yourself that it’s the honorable, right thing to do.  It shows strength and reveals your character.

 

You might be wrong again.

 

What I’m trying to say is that having perseverance is a respectable trait. Being strong and refusing to back down to your competition is admirable. However, there are going to be certain times in your life that it really doesn’t apply.  It calls for you to stop battling and take a step back.  Dig down deep inside and check in with YOU. Maybe the best thing for you to do is cut your losses and move on.

 

Sometimes it shows even more strength and success if you just walk away.

 

 

Six Signs You Need to Leave

I’ve been there a couple of times in my career and I can still remember how horrible it felt. I’m talking about that feeling at work when there are too many hours in the day and days in the week. You’re constantly watching the clock and living for when you go on your next vacation. You are unhappy.

 

If anyone is experiencing those feelings right now, it could very well be a sign that you need to leave your job. Here are 6 similar signs that indicate you might need to make a change in your life as quickly as possible:

 

Your anxiety heightens the closer you get to your workplace.

Are you in a bad mood every Sunday because Monday morning work is fast approaching?  Does your angst increase the closer you get to the office building?  Do you get a pit in your stomach on your drive to the office? When just thinking about going to work makes you feel sick, heed the warning. These are all indicators that you’re in need of a major change in your life.

 

You spend a lot of time rationalizing why your job is perfect for you.

Actually, I speak from experience on this one. I remember spending the entire drive to work rationalizing why this job was good for me. The hours were great, I didn’t have to work that hard, and I made decent money. I also remember spending the whole drive home doing the exact same thing. The funny thing is, I never felt any better when I was done with this brain exercise. You know why? It’s because I wasn’t listening to my heart.

 

You’re easily bothered by even the smallest things at work.

When you’re at the wrong job, everything bugs you.  Mary, in the next cubicle, gets on your nerves.  John, your manager, irritates you because of his brown-nosing ways.  You spend the days obsessing about these irritations and blow them way out of proportion. You spend the evenings rehashing the stories with all your friends and family. The more you talk, the worse you feel. You waste numerous hours ruminating about these silly interactions because you’re unhappy.

 

You’re jealous of your friend’s career and more.

You think that everyone is better off than you.  Everyone has a better career, makes more money, goes on great vacations and has a better family situation. You might even have difficulty helping good friends celebrate accomplishments and happy times. When you’re really unhappy in your job, you have difficulty seeing reality. You view the world through dirty, dusty glasses.

 

Your energy level is lower than normal.

Not only is your energy level low, you just don’t feel so great.  You keep trying to push yourself, but you certainly don’t feel like YOU!  The stress level lowers your immune system and the constant anxiety is exhausting. Don’t underestimate how being in a job that feels like an uphill battle eventually takes a toll on your body, physically and emotionally.

 

You’re not doing your best work.

The truth is that you’re sliding by. You’re producing average work and getting through the days. No one really notices that you’re not doing your best and you rationalize that fact (see sign #2).  However, not doing your best work feels horrible and does a number on your self-esteem.  Not being challenged and able to fully utilize your strengths just doesn’t feel good.

 

If any of this sounds even vaguely familiar to you, then maybe you need to contemplate some changes. Don’t waste another day settling for this existence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six Signs You Need to Leave

I’ve been there a couple of times in my career and I can still remember how horrible it felt. I’m talking about that feeling at work when there are too many hours in the day and days in the week. You’re constantly watching the clock and living for when you go on your next vacation. You are unhappy.

 

If anyone is experiencing those feelings right now, it could very well be a sign that you need to leave your job. Here are 6 similar signs that indicate you might need to make a change in your life as quickly as possible:

 

Your anxiety heightens the closer you get to your workplace.

Are you in a bad mood every Sunday because Monday morning work is fast approaching?  Does your angst increase the closer you get to the office building?  Do you get a pit in your stomach on your drive to the office? When just thinking about going to work makes you feel sick, heed the warning. These are all indicators that you’re in need of a major change in your life.

 

You spend a lot of time rationalizing why your job is perfect for you.

Actually, I speak from experience on this one. I remember spending the entire drive to work rationalizing why this job was good for me. The hours were great, I didn’t have to work that hard, and I made decent money. I also remember spending the whole drive home doing the exact same thing. The funny thing is, I never felt any better when I was done with this brain exercise. You know why? It’s because I wasn’t listening to my heart.

 

You’re easily bothered by even the smallest things at work.

When you’re at the wrong job, everything bugs you.  Mary, in the next cubicle, gets on your nerves.  John, your manager, irritates you because of his brown-nosing ways.  You spend the days obsessing about these irritations and blow them way out of proportion. You spend the evenings rehashing the stories with all your friends and family. The more you talk, the worse you feel. You waste numerous hours ruminating about these silly interactions because you’re unhappy.

 

You’re jealous of your friend’s career and more.

You think that everyone is better off than you.  Everyone has a better career, makes more money, goes on great vacations and has a better family situation. You might even have difficulty helping good friends celebrate accomplishments and happy times. When you’re really unhappy in your job, you have difficulty seeing reality. You view the world through dirty, dusty glasses.

 

Your energy level is lower than normal.

Not only is your energy level low, you just don’t feel so great.  You keep trying to push yourself, but you certainly don’t feel like YOU!  The stress level lowers your immune system and the constant anxiety is exhausting. Don’t underestimate how being in a job that feels like an uphill battle eventually takes a toll on your body, physically and emotionally.

 

You’re not doing your best work.

The truth is that you’re sliding by. You’re producing average work and getting through the days. No one really notices that you’re not doing your best and you rationalize that fact (see sign #2).  However, not doing your best work feels horrible and does a number on your self-esteem.  Not being challenged and able to fully utilize your strengths just doesn’t feel good.

 

If any of this sounds even vaguely familiar to you, then maybe you need to contemplate some changes. Don’t waste another day settling for this existence.