Treading Water

Do you know someone that is going through a bad time or has ever experienced a rough patch in their life?

 

Let’s be honest-no one is immune to heartache. At some point in your life, you will go through a difficult time. You will be disappointed, disheartened, and feel like you can’t go on. You will think that this new CHANGE that has occurred is just way too much to handle.

 

How do I know this? Because there isn’t a person alive that gets through life without some bad scrapes and bruises. It’s part of the whole journey that is referred to as “life”. And at some point, it will be your turn to endure some difficult experience.

 

I have heard countless stories of getting fired from a job, grieving a loved one, not achieving your dream, having a loved one disappoint you and the list goes on.

 

So, here’s a couple things to remember so that you’re a bit more prepared and resilient for the next low point that you encounter:

 

This is only a moment in time.

When you’re going through this bad time, you don’t have perspective. You become so immersed in your pain and sadness that you neglect to understand that this is a temporary condition. This horrible pain is not going to last for eternity. This feeling is just for now and will eventually subside. The fact that the sadness is for now and will pass is always a tough concept for people to accept when they are in the midst of a disappointment. They feel trapped and can’t see outside the walls of their agony. But trust me, it will pass, and things will lighten up. Just keep repeating this to yourself.

 

You are not unique-we all have some burden to carry.

When you are going through a challenging time, it’s easy to look around and think that you are unique. It feels like everyone else is living a fairytale life while you are struggling to get through another day. Remind yourself of the truth-no one’s life is perfect and you are presently seeing the world through a distorted lens. Wallowing in this is not going to help you move forward.

 

You need to allow yourself to let go of the loss

People don’t like to feel pain. They will go to great lengths to avoid any hurtful feelings. However, there is a certain amount of pain you must walk through in order to get to the other side. Numbing the pain won’t work and neither will distractions and positive talk. Yes, they might give you some temporary relief, but the only way to truly move forward is to be honest and vulnerable with your feelings and be willing to trudge through it until you reach acceptance. Maybe then, you can get some understanding and put the pain and the experience in the right place.

 

You can’t rush the experience of finding meaning in your heartache. That comes only with time and the willingness to truly dig through your feelings. So have the strength and courage to face the situation and know that better times are ahead

Set Your Own Path

I like to watch out the window when I’m working out at the gym. This morning, there wasn’t too much to see.  It was pouring rain, and everyone was rushing in and out of their cars. As I watched the rain come down, I noticed a little mallard duck behind a car. Obviously, this was the perfect day for him.  He was making his way across the parking lot, back and forth, like he had a goal that he needed to accomplish.

 

I continued to watch him make his way across the street. He would slow down and look around for a few minutes. However, that wouldn’t last too long. He would quickly take off again, walking with purpose here and there. And then it dawned on me…

 

Where were all the other ducks?

 

Ducks are very social animals and like to stick in groups. I scanned the parking lot for other mallards but failed to find any other birds. I continued to watch him for a while, waiting to see another duck appear. It became clear that this was a lone duck.

 

Seeing this guy out there all alone reminded me of all the times in my career that I was out there “alone”. If you don’t know what I referring to, let me explain.  There must have been times in your career that you didn’t follow the crowd.

 

Think about it.

 

For me, it was the time that I had the courage to say what everyone else was afraid to admit. Now, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it all worked out well. It didn’t. However, it was the right thing to do, and someone needed to do it. And I was the only one that was willing to stick my neck out. And if I could rewind the “tape” and have a do-over, I would do exactly the same thing.

 

Even if the result was painful. I would still definitely do it again because it was the right thing to do in that situation.

 

When you are experiencing this moment, you feel like that mallard that I saw walking back and forth in the street.  At times, you are sure of your intentions, and feel good about your decisions and direction in life. You have purpose, integrity and are following your compass. The next moment, you are stuck. You are unsure what step you should take next and whether you just made a colossal mistake. And maybe you spend a little time like the mallard duck, not moving, wondering what the heck to do next.

 

And it’s certainly painful being out there all alone. We all want to be part of our social group.

 

Exceptional leaders go through this experience at some point in their career. They need to make a split decision that might upset the balance of their organization. Their actions can cause them to feel isolated and make them question their decision-making skills. But the truth is, you can’t become an exceptional leader unless you are willing to upset the balance now and then. Eventually, something will happen and you will feel compelled to make a change that will not be readily accepted.

 

So take a tip from your friend the mallard and stay the course. Reflect on your actions and be clear on what is the right way to move forward and meet your goals.  Don’t be influenced by the popular decision, the one that will keep you comfortable and will ensure the status quo. As a leader, you are tasked to make the right decision-no

Walk Through the Pain

Recently, I have perfected a new skill. My cat was diagnosed with diabetes in December and I now must administer insulin injections twice a day. At first, I was amazed at the way that Joey wasn’t even fazed by this new routine that we shared morning and night. Since he likes attention, he seemed pleased that I was interested in spending time with him.  However, after a couple months, everything began to change.

 

I would walk downstairs to find him for his 7am shot, and he would be nowhere to be found. That might not sound unusual for a cat, but before this point, he would come running to see what I wanted. But now we had started a new routine. I would call out his name and he wouldn’t respond. I would keep saying his name while I searched and searched under every piece of furniture in the house.  I would run up and down the stairs like a crazy person, frantically calling his name, and looking at every possible hiding place. I would become distressed knowing that this cat was controlling my world, making me late for work.

 

Eventually, I would find him, just strolling into a room like he hadn’t heard me calling for him for the last 30 minutes. And when I finally gave him his shot, he would flinch and give a guttural cry.  Sometimes, when he would see me walking toward him, he would back away and scamper off in a different direction.

 

He was on to me-I represented pain.

Joey is no different than you or me. Over the course of years, you have come to experience situations that cause you pain or make you uncomfortable. You have learned to avoid these experiences, which sometimes is good for you, and other times, gets in the way of you moving forward. For example, learning to not touch the stove when it’s hot, makes sense. You learned this at a young age, and it has served you well. However, avoiding the need to learn a new software system, or avoiding the speaking presentation that would help you gain that promotion at work, might not serve you so well in the long run.

 

The thing is, you might find some really great reasons why you shouldn’t take on these responsibilities. Your resistance to them might be well thought out and make perfect sense. However, beneath your rational thinking is your fear. You are terrified of the pain that moving forward might cause.  And humans will go to great lengths to avoid painful situations-just like cats!

 

I’m asking you to give thought to the situations in your life right now that you are avoiding. You now understand WHY you are avoiding them-they cause discomfort. This is a human reaction to pain. But being a human also means you have the ability to process these feelings and make a decision to walk through the pain anyway. You will push yourself through this journey because in the long run, it will help you achieve your goals.

 

Have the courage to face the pain and get to the other side. You will become the leader that you aspire to be.

 

Feel the Change

You just came up with the greatest idea ever. How do you go about convincing your team that this new idea, program etc. is the way to go? How do you encourage your team to get on board and commit to this great change that you want to put in place?

 

Exceptional leaders understand that sometimes they need to flex their persuasive muscle.

 

Understanding organizational Change and how employees react to change, is my sweet spot. However, I was surprised by a recent experience that I had working with a client. In my haste to get to the finish line, I realized that I had left out important steps needed to help someone shift perspective and embrace change.

 

I was coaching a client on improving their team’s performance. I knew that the team would greatly benefit from some soft skills training. I droned on and on about all the different training pieces that could be presented, but I didn’t sense any traction. On and on I went, like a broken record, for a number of different sessions. However, I was met with a number of reasons why none of the trainings would be the right fit.

 

I was frustrated.  I knew exactly what would solve the problem, but obviously, my client just couldn’t visualize this.  At the next session, I decided to take the client through a self-awareness exercise that would help him envision firsthand, what his team could experience.

 

As we worked our way through the exercise, I closely watched the leader. I began to see how things were beginning to come into focus for him. It began to solidify a number of issues for the leader and what was truly important to him.

 

Once we had this experience, I asked him to think about his team. What would they gain out of this experience? What would they learn about themselves and how would it help them become better employees and people?

 

The lightbulb had turned on.

 

He finally understood how this experience could be a great start to helping his team grow. You could see the excitement and passion as the two of us talked about how we could accomplish this and where this would lead.

 

And that’s when I realized that I was forgetting an important part of helping someone embrace change. Facts and data were just not going to sell him on the value of this process. Yes, it might be a piece of it, but I needed to do more if I wanted him to move forward.  I needed to make him “feel” the change and be emotionally involved in the experience.

 

I had forgotten something so simple.

 

Are you in the process of making some changes at work? Don’t underestimate the need to get your people on board. Giving them the facts to back up this change is essential, however, don’t forget how emotion also plays into the process. Help them “feel” the need for change.

 

Accepting Change

I eavesdropped on a conversation at the gym the other day. A woman was describing to her friend the reason that she hadn’t been to the gym in a very long time. She shared that she had been too busy and she couldn’t fit working-out into her schedule. Her friend then took it upon herself to spend the next 10 minutes trying to help her overcome this problem. However, for each solution the friend threw her way, the woman had a very convincing rationalization for why that would never work. Does this sound familiar to you?

 

Maybe this reminds you of someone at work. You have long in-depth conversations about needed behavior change with an employee, but nothing ever really changes. Maybe this hits a little close to home. The confusing thing is that you might have a heartfelt desire to change, but you never seem to really move forward in any way.  So what is really holding you back?

 

“If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse”. Author Unknown

 

Maybe it’s really not that important to you.

 

Changing a habit is hard work and if you don’t make it a priority, you’ll never make that change. There will always be something else rivaling for your valuable time. There may be a piece of you that truly wants to change, but there’s another bigger part that isn’t really sold on the idea. And, some changes are easier than others. It always goes back to the pleasure vs. pain thing. The more painful the change, the harder to change the habit. As you probably know, we tend to shy away from experiences that are painful. In fact, we will go out of our way to avoid them.

 

Maybe you have a competing commitment. On a conscious level, you definitely want to change. However, you are as confused as anyone as to why it’s not happening for you. It’s possible that you have a commitment to something else that is impeding your progress to accomplish your goal. For example, let’s pretend that your boss wants to groom you for the next big position. This is exciting and thrilling to hear that she believes in you. You just have to increase your sales by 15%. You know this is a doable, reasonable goal to meet. Yet, for the next 6 months, your numbers go down, down, down. This is frustrating because your numbers haven’t decreased in three years.

 

So, what’s really going on here?

 

Deep down on a subconscious level, you have a strong belief that you should spend more time with your children. This new position would involve more time and more travel. You have worked hard for 10 years just to receive this promotion. However, you never peeled back the layers to really look at what’s truly important to you. Apparently, this value of spending more time with your children is more important to you than you anticipated. It is driving your behavior in ways that shock you. For some reason, it’s hard for you to accept this truth.

 

The bottom line to Change is this-Before you work on a behavior CHANGE, be sure to take some time to reflect on what you really want in life.  The answer may surprise you.

Practicing Consistency

When I wake up in the morning, I know that someone is waiting for me. I hear a rustling in the corner of the room, and I remember that Myles, the Pug has an expectation. He knows that within the next three minutes, I will work my way downstairs and I will immediately open the backdoor to let him out. Within 45 seconds I will see him at the door, waiting impatiently to come back in the house. He will run over to his bowl, expecting to eat.

 

Myles will run downstairs as soon as he hears me coming in from work. He will follow me around until I change into comfortable clothing. He will stare at me and patiently wait while I put on my shoes. As I take the stairs one by one, he is jumping three at a time. He wants to get to his bowl before I get there. He rushes through his dinner, and runs over to me to get his evening walk.

 

Myles knows that we have three different routes we take in our walk. He expects to see the dog on the corner and gets excited to say hello. He knows exactly how far we will walk and when we will turn around. When we get back to the house, he pulls me up the driveway and waits for me to throw out the garbage. He runs to the door because he knows that I will give him a treat when we get in the kitchen.

 

Myles likes his routine and knows what to expect day after day. He takes comfort in knowing that the same thing will happen every single time. Because he knows what to expect from me, things go a lot smoother and easier.

 

I don’t think it’s any different for humans. We definitely like our habits and routines. The people around us prefer to know what to expect from us. For example, if you know anything about kids, you see how they crave a routine- they like to know what’s going to happen next. Life goes a lot smoother if they know that the same things will be expected of them day by day. And if they don’t deliver on the expectation, it certainly helps when they understand what will transpire next.

 

It’s really no different in the workplace. Have you ever struggled to work under someone’s inconsistent leadership? I have. The reason I struggled was because it was unclear to me what this leader wanted from me. The rules kept changing and I felt anxious by not understanding how to succeed in my job. On top of that, the expectations of each employee differed and were inconsistent. All of this added up to a culture of instability filled with negative emotions.

 

Great leaders show consistency in their actions.

 

They have clear expectations and they treat each and every person with the same level of expectation. They don’t have different rules for different people. The people around them are crystal clear on how to succeed at their jobs. Leaders that are consistent have healthy work environments where people feel safe, trust in their leadership and aren’t waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.

 

Now think about your own behavior. Do you send a consistent message to others? Are you consistent in your actions with others? Do others know what to expect from you day in and day out?

 

Congratulations if you have answered yes to these questions. You are one step closer to becoming a great leader.

 

Practicing Consistency

When I wake up in the morning, I know that someone is waiting for me. I hear a rustling in the corner of the room, and I remember that Myles, the Pug has an expectation. He knows that within the next three minutes, I will work my way downstairs and I will immediately open the backdoor to let him out. Within 45 seconds I will see him at the door, waiting impatiently to come back in the house. He will run over to his bowl, expecting to eat.

 

Myles will run downstairs as soon as he hears me coming in from work. He will follow me around until I change into comfortable clothing. He will stare at me and patiently wait while I put on my shoes. As I take the stairs one by one, he is jumping three at a time. He wants to get to his bowl before I get there. He rushes through his dinner, and runs over to me to get his evening walk.

 

Myles knows that we have three different routes we take in our walk. He expects to see the dog on the corner and gets excited to say hello. He knows exactly how far we will walk and when we will turn around. When we get back to the house, he pulls me up the driveway and waits for me to throw out the garbage. He runs to the door because he knows that I will give him a treat when we get in the kitchen.

 

Myles likes his routine and knows what to expect day after day. He takes comfort in knowing that the same thing will happen every single time. Because he knows what to expect from me, things go a lot smoother and easier.

 

I don’t think it’s any different for humans. We definitely like our habits and routines. The people around us prefer to know what to expect from us. For example, if you know anything about kids, you see how they crave a routine- they like to know what’s going to happen next. Life goes a lot smoother if they know that the same things will be expected of them day by day. And if they don’t deliver on the expectation, it certainly helps when they understand what will transpire next.

 

It’s really no different in the workplace. Have you ever struggled to work under someone’s inconsistent leadership? I have. The reason I struggled was because it was unclear to me what this leader wanted from me. The rules kept changing and I felt anxious by not understanding how to succeed in my job. On top of that, the expectations of each employee differed and were inconsistent. All of this added up to a culture of instability filled with negative emotions.

 

Great leaders show consistency in their actions.

 

They have clear expectations and they treat each and every person with the same level of expectation. They don’t have different rules for different people. The people around them are crystal clear on how to succeed at their jobs. Leaders that are consistent have healthy work environments where people feel safe, trust in their leadership and aren’t waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.

 

Now think about your own behavior. Do you send a consistent message to others? Are you consistent in your actions with others? Do others know what to expect from you day in and day out?

 

Congratulations if you have answered yes to these questions. You are one step closer to becoming a great leader.

 

Simple Solutions

My spouse and I have an ongoing argument. We have been fighting about this for about as long as we have been married. Believe me, it’s been a long time.

Our disagreement is always about the temperature in the house. I’m always cold and he’s always warm. Now, the rule in the house is that once it’s become warm out and there is an urgent need to turn on the air, the heat is officially turned off for the season. That means if the air-conditioning is turned on on April 15 because it’s 80 degrees out, you are not to turn the heat on the next week when it plummets to 45.

In case you were wondering, I didn’t make this rule.

I try to weather (no pun intended) this as best as I can, but sometimes it’s just ridiculous. Last night was one of those nights. I came home and noticed that the house was quite cool. I complained and complained about it and of course, nothing happened. This morning, I woke up and immediately felt that the room was freezing. All the animals were smashed up against me trying to stay alive in the frigid temps. I went downstairs to eat breakfast, feeling the same frustration welling up inside of me, muttering to myself how tired I am of this whole situation.

I considered waking him up to have the same familiar fight and then it dawned on me. Why was I so miserable when there was an obvious solution? Why did I continue to complain when there was another, better, alternative? I walked over to the thermostat and turned the heat back on in the house.

It was that easy.

Have you ever noticed that some of the stuff that drives us crazy doesn’t really have to drive us crazy? There are obvious solutions to our problems, but we are so intent on our negative swirling that we forget we don’t have to be quite so unhappy. We play out the same pattern over and over and we lose sight of reality: the situation is really not that hard to resolve. We really have more control to change our lives than we think.

I know you are thinking that I was pretty silly to not see the obvious— that all I had to do was walk over to the thermostat and change the setting to heat. However, It never occurred to me. I will bet that something like this is playing out right now in your own personal or professional life. Maybe it involves a co-worker that is driving you crazy, a boss that makes you lose your patience or a friend that has overstayed their welcome. Whatever the situation, it’s possible that you have become so emotionally involved in “the fight” that you can no longer see the “forest for the trees”. There’s a chance that the pattern is set, and you might find some strange comfort with the negative interaction. You continue to stay where you are because you no longer can see the choices you have to make your life better.

So take a step back and try to get a birds-eye view of the situation. There’s a good chance that you can break out of the pattern and find a positive solution.

And in case you were wondering about my dilemma, he has yet to say anything to me.

Finding Your Courage

cat-and-lion-imageLast week I was in LA, celebrating Thanksgiving with my family. One of my favorite experiences with my husband and son was going on a great hike at Griffith Park. The weather was absolutely perfect and definitely beat Cincinnati weather.

As we started on the trail, I mentioned to my son that I think he misunderstood what I had in mind for the hike. You see, when we began, it was mostly smooth and flat. He reassured me that this was just the beginning and I would definitely get to have some real rigorous hiking time.

 

As we continued, I began to work a little harder getting up the hills. Up and down we went, as I felt my heart pounding hard to keep up with them. He had been right because I was definitely pushing myself. We didn’t have a time restriction so we just climbed wherever we wanted and marveled at the great views overlooking the city.

 

As we turned the corner, my son saw a trail that he thought we should try. I noticed that no one else was on this small trail. I brought up the rear and as I got further into the trek, I realized that this was quite the rigorous path. There I was, rock climbing and using my hands and feet to hold on to the dirt. I continued to climb, wondering if we should truly be doing this. As I grabbed the dirt to hold on, I looked up to see how much further I had to go. It was ironic to go from feeling like I wasn’t going to be challenged to the point where I was hoping for this experience to be over. My son yelled at the top and I saw people standing up there on the wide cement path overlooking my climb. When I got to the top, I saw that our trail was blocked off and had a caution sign. I had to climb over all of this to get out of the trail. A number of people were staring at me as I jumped over the roped off area and turned around to read the sign.

 

Caution: Rattlesnakes in This Area— Keep Out.

 

No wonder they were staring at me. They were shocked that I was so brave to risk that climb up. They thought that I had great courage to attempt that feat— despite the warning.

 

Do you really think I would have climbed that trail if I knew the truth? I thought back to putting each hand in the dirt and rocks and taking my time up that hill. I was pretty freaked out.

 

Now back to that COURAGE thing. I didn’t know that I was risking something when I started up that trail. So that doesn’t count for HAVING COURAGE.

No, courage happens when you know all the possible risks before you start, you understand what you have to lose, and you have the guts to do it anyway.

 

You risk losing something that is valuable to you but you do it anyway. You do it because you know it’s the right thing to do. You get way out of your comfort zone and take a risk— despite all the warning signs.

 

Courage is an important trait to possess as a leader. The ability to look in the mirror and see your self clearly, warts and all, takes courage. The ability to deliver devastating news to someone, takes courage. The ability to listen to your gut when everyone disagrees with you, takes a whole lot of courage.

 

The ability to make a decision that comes with big risks, definitely takes COURAGE.

 

Give a thought to the last 6 months. Did you make decisions that were safe because you didn’t want to rock the boat? Did you put off that difficult conversation because it’s just easier that way? Did you stay where you are because you know what to expect there? Did you agree with everyone instead of saying what you truly feel is right?

 

Are you a courageous leader? The time to start becoming one is NOW.

 

 

 

Walk a Mile

image-footstepsEmpathy– the ability to emotionally understand what another person is feeling.

 

The last week has been tough. Wherever you look, people’s emotions are on edge due to the recent election. People have taken sides and each group is having difficulty understanding the motives and reactions of the other group. Some people are elated, while others are feeling a multitude of things: disappointment, fear, anger and grief.

 

Being trained in Mental Health, I spend every waking hour observing others. It’s just something that I do instinctively. I don’t necessarily engage in feelings— I just observe from afar and try to understand why and how people are responding.

 

Friday, I met with a connection that told me she had spent time guiding a company on how to handle a physical fight between two workers on opposite sides of the political argument. Yes, people are on edge everywhere you look and that emotion inevitably seeps into our workplace.

 

There is a lack of empathy in much of our communication. I observe individuals demonstrating their own personal values, beliefs and attitudes about life. The problem is that they also expect others to adhere to those same values, beliefs and worldviews. Following last week, there appears to be a lack of understanding—

We have trouble making room for human differences and the inability to see that individuals don’t necessarily fit into neatly defined categories.

 

What I do see is a strong compelling need to demonstrate WHY I am right and I have the right way of thinking.

 

Nowhere is this more evident than on Social Media. Here, you see a total lack of empathy and a complete lack of the ability to imagine how others feel. You see individuals pushing their belief system on others while refusing to listen. You witness people expecting others to see things their way, and if they don’t, they are attacked. You observe people feeling the need to rationalize their beliefs and expecting others to support them— or else. Polarized thinking is rampant and stirs up anger, hate and decisiveness.

 

You see a whole lot of JUDGEMENT but very little empathy.

 

As humans, we are a complicated species. Each one of us has a worldview made up of values, attitudes and beliefs based on our many life experiences. You won’t understand me unless you actively listen, without judgment, to where I am coming from and what I feel. I won’t understand you unless I actively listen, without judgment, to where you are coming from and what you feel.

 

Until this happens, we won’t have successful communication and understanding propecia dosage.

 

So how do you ensure that EMPATHY is part of your Leadership toolkit?

You become more Empathetic by practicing these skills daily.

 

  1. Use your energy to actively listen to others and understand how they are feeling.
  2. Refrain from minimizing others’ feelings and rationalizing about your own feelings.
  3. Hold yourself back from making judgments about others that think differently than you. Just meet them where they are.

 

Remember during this time that empathy is the ability to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Truly live up to this standard.