Taking Control

image taking controlEventually, bad things happen. You’ll lose your job, get passed over for the promotion that you were counting on or botch that humongous deal that was going to change your life.

 

You will be miserable and think that life is over.

 

Yes, you will be incredibly disappointed and sad— that’s to be expected. However, your response to this life disappointment will greatly impact what comes next. Your resilience in the face of disaster will determine your success.

 

The bottom line is that your sense of control in each life event greatly influences the eventual outcome. Do you see life in a reactive mode? Do you feel like things happen to you? Or do you have a strong sense that you can control and manage life in a proactive manner? Do you live your life making things happen? This mind-set makes the difference in your ability to face adversity.

 

I have developed some questions that might help you take more control in your life and positively change your direction when bad things happen.

 

Ask Yourself:

 

  1. How does it serve me to stay where I am right now?

 

For example, say you just found out that your boss didn’t take responsibility for a mistake, but instead, blamed it on you. You are angry, hurt, devastated and disappointed. You are wondering why this happened to you and why you are so unlucky. However, how does it serve you to stay in these feelings right now? How will you benefit in any way? Sometimes when we’re hit with bad news, we can get stuck in the feelings, and those feelings can spur us on to make some really bad decisions.

 

  1. What can I control in this situation and what is beyond my control?

 

This is an important question to ask yourself because it gets you out of a victim mentality and into a more positive, proactive frame of mind. You can’t control what just happened, and you certainly can’t make the whole situation disappear. You have no choice but to accept that this has taken place. Now give some thought as to what you can control. You can control what plays out next in the storyline. You can control what action you decide to take next.

 

  1. How can I improve the current situation?

 

Now is the time to brainstorm. I want you to write down all the possible ideas that come to your mind. Don’t leave anything out just because it sounds crazy or not realistic to you. Be creative and write every type of ending you can think of for your storyline. Try not to judge or evaluate these ideas for now— just let your mind run wild and come up with scenarios.

 

For example, remember the previous situation with your boss? You can have a talk with your boss and calmly ask why. Or, you can confront him and demand answers. Or, you can immediately start looking for another job. There are many, many choices you can conjure up in your mind.

 

  1. Now evaluate these choices and number them in order of best ideas. Consider the outcomes for each idea. If you are proactively controlling the situation, you will have a number of action steps that you have created on your list.

 

  1. What have I learned from this experience?

 

Be sure to not skip this step! Is there something that you would like to do differently next time? There is always a lesson that you can glean from every situation. Do some soul searching and be honest.

 

Becoming truly resilient is a process. The more you practice, the more resilient you become in riding the waves of life.

 

Lifting Limits

images hot air balloon

 

I was working out with my trainer today when he asked me to push up with my legs and lift the weight on the machine. My feet didn’t move. “I can’t do this— I can’t even move my feet”, I said. He replied with no emotion— “sure you can”. I sat there awhile and looked at him. He didn’t change his stance and it was apparent that my plea was going nowhere. I truly believed that what he was trying to get me to do was virtually impossible. I was angry that he didn’t understand how I really couldn’t do it. However, as I looked at this face, I realized that he wasn’t buying any of it.

 

I harnessed all the energy I had in my body and willed it into my feet. I stopped talking and just focused on the action. You will never believe what happened next. Somehow, I was able to lift the weight up and down. It certainly wasn’t easy and I barely made it through the process but I was able to get through it. I proceeded to do 3 sets of 12 reps. Let’s remember that I originally said that I couldn’t even move my legs at all, yet, somehow I was able to accomplish this feat.

 

How did that happen? How was I able to accomplish this when I originally felt that I wasn’t capable of this type of endeavor?

 

After I was done working out, I thought about this experience. I consider myself to be someone that’s always pushing to try new things and get outside my comfort zone. However, this experience made me realize that I need to closely monitor my responses to new challenges. Even I get into my habits and safe places in life. It just feels so good in my comfort zone.

 

This lead me to think about how pushing myself out of my comfort zone is a day-to-day process. Maybe some days I challenge myself and move forward, but other days I fall back into believing that self-defeating stuff. The talk in my head really had done a bang up job convincing me that my challenge was an impossible task.

 

I’m sure there are a couple of things right now in your life that you would like to change. Maybe your excuse for not moving forward is that “it just can’t be done”. Maybe it’s that you’ve failed before, so the process is futile. Maybe you feel that the challenge is overwhelming and way to huge to even consider. Whatever it is, I want you to question that voice in your head that vehemently believes it can’t be done.

 

I want you to realize that you are capable of accomplishing great things.

 

After you question that person in your head, I want you to do just one thing. I want you to harness all your energy and will your body to focus on taking that ONE STEP. It doesn’t have to be something big— just a little step forward that will move you closer to your goal.

 

Just TRY giving it everything you’ve got. Yes, I know it won’t be easy. However, you just might surprise yourself.

 

 

Accountability

image what's your excuse

 

I still remember going to my older son’s 3rd grade school conference. The teacher loved him and shared many wonderful stories. She relayed that he was smart, kind and had a great personality. Then she asked about a paper that he had recently brought home.

 

“I suppose you saw the math paper where he received a D. He was very upset about the grade and worried about what you would think of it.” I gave her a confused look and asked her when he brought it home. Apparently, it was supposed to come home in his backpack— it was 5 days later and I had never seen it. She chuckled and asked me not to come down too hard on him. Obviously, the paper had disappeared somewhere between school and home.

 

When I got home, I went upstairs to his room and sat down on his bed to have the talk. I told him how much his teacher raved about him and ended the story with the mystery of the missing “D” paper. I saw the look in his eyes and just waited for the explanation.

 

After much discussion, it was revealed that he had gotten off the bus and proceeded to take the paper and put it down the sewer drain. I’m imagining that the scenario was conjured up on the bus ride home. I suppose for a 3rd grader that was a logical way to solve the problem.

 

Now, I’m happy to report that my son, who’s now an adult, has learned to handle mistakes and missteps in a more responsible manner. However, in your travels through life, I’m pretty certain that you have come across a number of individuals that refuse to take accountability for their actions— they’re still throwing their “D” papers down the sewer drain. Their excuses and justifications for their actions can be downright exhausting.

 

Copping out on responsibility can become a habit and theme in every facet of your life. It inhibits your ability to move ahead in your career and find happiness and success in your personal life. Stop and think about someone that makes this behavior part of their daily routine. After awhile, the excuses just roll off their tongue and the more practice they get, the more proficient they become at this skill. In time, they truly believe their own explanations.

 

Right now, some of you are thinking that this does not describe you— but hold on a minute. Maybe you’re not a serial storyteller. However, there are times when each one of us is guilty of rationalizing our situation in order to feel better.

 

Take a step back and be honest. Maybe you didn’t get that sale today because the buyer was simply in a bad mood. You lost out on the promotion last week to the other employee because he always “sucks up” to the boss. You didn’t lose your goal of 5 lbs. this week because you just retain too much water. Never mind that you didn’t close the sale or you didn’t possess managerial skills or you ate more than you really should have on your diet.

 

We are ALL guilty of not taking accountability at some point.

 

The thing to remember is that your outcomes directly reflect your actions. Your success in life is in direct relation to your ability to be painfully honest with YOU. Do you make things happen or do things happen to you? A big part of your resilience in life is tied up in your skill of taking accountability for your actions. It’s realizing that you control your own destiny: your happiness and success is dependent upon you.

 

The next time you struggle with reaching a goal daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, step back and give this some thought: take responsibility for your place in life.

Accountability

image what's your excuse

 

I still remember going to my older son’s 3rd grade school conference. The teacher loved him and shared many wonderful stories. She relayed that he was smart, kind and had a great personality. Then she asked about a paper that he had recently brought home.

 

“I suppose you saw the math paper where he received a D. He was very upset about the grade and worried about what you would think of it.” I gave her a confused look and asked her when he brought it home. Apparently, it was supposed to come home in his backpack— it was 5 days later and I had never seen it. She chuckled and asked me not to come down too hard on him. Obviously, the paper had disappeared somewhere between school and home.

 

When I got home, I went upstairs to his room and sat down on his bed to have the talk. I told him how much his teacher raved about him and ended the story with the mystery of the missing “D” paper. I saw the look in his eyes and just waited for the explanation.

 

After much discussion, it was revealed that he had gotten off the bus and proceeded to take the paper and put it down the sewer drain. I’m imagining that the scenario was conjured up on the bus ride home. I suppose for a 3rd grader that was a logical way to solve the problem.

 

Now, I’m happy to report that my son, who’s now an adult, has learned to handle mistakes and missteps in a more responsible manner. However, in your travels through life, I’m pretty certain that you have come across a number of individuals that refuse to take accountability for their actions— they’re still throwing their “D” papers down the sewer drain. Their excuses and justifications for their actions can be downright exhausting.

 

Copping out on responsibility can become a habit and theme in every facet of your life. It inhibits your ability to move ahead in your career and find happiness and success in your personal life. Stop and think about someone that makes this behavior part of their daily routine. After awhile, the excuses just roll off their tongue and the more practice they get, the more proficient they become at this skill. In time, they truly believe their own explanations.

 

Right now, some of you are thinking that this does not describe you— but hold on a minute. Maybe you’re not a serial storyteller. However, there are times when each one of us is guilty of rationalizing our situation in order to feel better.

 

Take a step back and be honest. Maybe you didn’t get that sale today because the buyer was simply in a bad mood. You lost out on the promotion last week to the other employee because he always “sucks up” to the boss. You didn’t lose your goal of 5 lbs. this week because you just retain too much water. Never mind that you didn’t close the sale or you didn’t possess managerial skills or you ate more than you really should have on your diet.

 

We are ALL guilty of not taking accountability at some point.

 

The thing to remember is that your outcomes directly reflect your actions. Your success in life is in direct relation to your ability to be painfully honest with YOU. Do you make things happen or do things happen to you? A big part of your resilience in life is tied up in your skill of taking accountability for your actions. It’s realizing that you control your own destiny: your happiness and success is dependent upon you.

 

The next time you struggle with reaching a goal daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, step back and give this some thought: take responsibility for your place in life.

Open to Opportunity

images open window

 

Last week, I was attending a full-day seminar with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in quite awhile. Although I was unsure if the topic would hold my interest, I knew that I would pick up some “nuggets” that I could use in my life. I also looked forward to the training event since I thought I would see some of my old co-workers. As I scanned the room, I realized that I didn’t know a single person other than my old friend. The large room was filled with mostly empty tables and almost all of the attendees were crammed into the back half of the space.

 

We registered and walked to a table at the front of the room since we both decided that we would be easily distracted in the back. When I sat down, I noticed two women that were sitting together at the table behind me.

 

10 minutes into the seminar, the trainer started the first activity. She asked us to find a partner that we weren’t seated with and perform the first exercise. My friend jumped up and joined a woman sitting alone at a table. I turned around, stood up with a smile on my face and said to the two friends sitting together, “Would one of you like to join me at my table?”

 

They both stared at me and said, “NO”.

 

I turned back around, shocked by the tone in their voice and their firm NO response.

 

I didn’t personalize this NO that I received. I wasn’t hurt that they didn’t want to be with me. I instinctively knew that the NO had absolutely nothing to do with me. I knew that the NO had everything to do with them.

 

I was disappointed by the women’s inability to open themselves up to a new opportunity.

 

Now, you might be wondering why I’m making such a big deal out of this. So what, they wanted to sit together and enjoy each other’s company. However, it IS a big deal and I’m going to tell you why.

 

Everyday, you are bombarded with situations, problems and issues in your life. Most of the time, you handle situations in a manner that is familiar to you. You have found patterns in your life that work for you and it is easier if you stick to those patterns and habits. When you do this, you probably make life easier for you in the short-term. You feel safe in these patterns and find comfort in them.

 

However, you are making life harder for you in the long-term. Moving to another table and meeting someone new might seem like such a small thing. However, it might be a pattern in your life to avoid uncomfortable situations. Each time that you get the courage to move to the next table, you build a little more muscle that makes you more RESILIENT. Each time you do something uncomfortable, you develop a little more grit to tackle what gets thrown at you in life. Each time you stretch yourself personally and professionally, you open yourself up to new opportunities—some that you didn’t even know existed.

 

Building resilience all starts with one small move.

 

 

 

Mistakes

images erasing mistake

 

“A person who makes few mistakes makes little progress” –Bryant McGill

 

When I was in grade school, the teachers would keep a poster board with each child’s name and the results of the weekly spelling test.  If you received 100% on the test, you were gifted with a gold star.  I remember studying the poster board with intensity to make sure that I had gold stars for every week of the year. Did you really do poorly if you received a 95% on the test?  Of course not, it was graded as an A.

But still, it certainly wasn’t gold star material.  The reality was that the 95% didn’t display perfection— you had made a mistake.

 

The need for perfection is ingrained in each one of you during your formative years. You learn at a very young age that the goal is to not make any errors. Completing each task perfectly will be rewarded, while making mistakes will not. If you don’t believe me, just look at the attention a young adult receives for acing their College ACT exam. I admit, it is quite a feat; however, if the same young adult makes a few mistakes on the exam, they don’t receive near the same fanfare for such an extraordinary accomplishment.

 

I tend to think that making mistakes can be a healthy and much needed experience in life.

 

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new” –Albert Einstein

 

Being fearful of making mistakes in life can hold you back from trying new experiences.

I learned how to ski when I was 40 years old. I would rate my skiing skills as intermediate.  I’m not a phenomenal skier but I can hold my own and I don’t embarrass myself too much. I’ve been told that I look pretty good coming down the mountain— that’s enough for me.  However, I certainly do my fair share of falling. In fact, the first time I fall during each ski trip is always a relief. I think to myself, “glad I got that out of the way”. Frankly, I think that my willingness to make a mistake (and take my share of falls) is the reason that I can enjoy the sport. I might not be the best, but I still can have a great time.

 

Making mistakes can be an opportunity for growth. 

Life is about taking risks and sometimes failing at your endeavors.  Although none of us enjoy the experience of “messing up”, it often teaches you much more than one where you succeed. While you’re going through the process, it can seem like it’s the end of the world. However, as crazy as it sounds, you need those opportunities in life to make a mistake and then be forced to make things right.  As painful as the experience can be, they help you grow and develop into your absolute best self.

 

We all make mistakes now and then but it’s important to remember:

Making a mistake can lead you to an even better place in life.

Empathy

images empathyWhile doing some research for an upcoming workshop, I suddenly remembered a work incident from many years ago. Picture this: I’m sitting at a meeting with my managers and discussing some drastic changes that were about to majorly impact each one of them.  A few of the changes would be positive but the majority of them would be negative. Frankly, these changes were hard to swallow and I was facing an uphill battle in this room.

 

At the time, I was young and I was managing on pure instinct. I hadn’t read any books and I certainly didn’t have the experiences and knowledge about implementing change that I have today.  However, I did have one skill that served me well in this situation— empathy.

 

I listened patiently to their whining and complaining.  Did I agree with their complaints? Sometimes. However, I knew that wasn’t the point.  I sensed that they needed to voice their feelings, fears and doubts before they could move on.  I had a strategy to get them on board and I knew that forcing them to move forward without listening to their concerns would never work.

 

How did I know? Because I asked myself— would it work with me?  How would I feel? What would I need to move on from that place and accept the changes?

 

First, I would need someone to validate my concerns and show understanding.

 

In business, we don’t all see eye to eye on developing soft skills, such as empathy. The concept just seems way too abstract to be taken seriously in the workplace. But the ability to relate to people, to understand and sense how they’re feeling, is pivotal to every leader’s influence. The ability to put yourself in other’s shoes and imagine what they’re thinking and feeling is crucial to your success as a leader.

 

That doesn’t mean you need to agree with everything that’s being said because…you wont.  It does mean, however, that you need to be able to nonjudgmentally listen, with appropriate non-verbal communication that displays an acceptance of their feelings and needs. This is how respect and trust is earned, and believe me—

Influence will follow.

 

It doesn’t matter if you spend your days managing a team/company or trying to close deals for your growing business. Empathy, a necessary ingredient to having resilience, is key to you paving your way to your goals.

 

Your workdays are busy and you have a lot to accomplish.  Sometimes, you can become too self-focused and stuck inside your own head, busy considering the many things that YOU need to complete. You can spend a lot of time looking inward and focusing on your own goals instead of looking outward. However, having empathy enables you, a leader, to sense the temperature of your surroundings— a necessary skill in your arsenal. Your ability to put aside your own goals for a few minutes, reach out with empathy and listen to what others need to succeed in their jobs can ultimately decide your path in life.

 

 

In the Wind

bag in windI was driving down the highway the other day when I noticed something up in the sky. As I drove closer to the object, I was able to assess what was up there. The object appeared to be a plastic bag, the kind that you get at the grocery store.  The bag was flying up and down and around with such energy. It followed no pattern or course, simply depending on the next big gust of wind to decide its fate.

 

The whole experience reminded me of a number of people that I’ve come across in my life.

 

I had a conversation with a young man a couple years ago.  The talk turned to his part-time job, so I asked him how it was going.  He lamented that his hours had been cut and felt angry about the whole situation.  He told me exactly how he was going to be affected by this unfortunate turn of events.  He definitely did his fair share of complaining.

 

I listened to him for a while before I spoke.  I asked him the obvious question— had he had discussed the cutbacks with his supervisor?  He looked at me incredulously and said no. When I asked him why he hadn’t had a discussion with this boss, he really didn’t have an answer.

 

I explained to him that he needed to ask WHY his hours had been cut. Then, with his boss, he needed to outline the reasons why allowing him to keep those hours would be the right decision. Frankly, none of this had ever occurred to him.  He didn’t feel that he had a choice in the situation. I believe he was just waiting for that next big gust of wind to decide his fate.

 

I talked to a young woman on the phone today. Earlier this year, she had lost her job to an unfortunate turn of events. She spent hours researching, networking and pounding the pavement to find another job. It didn’t surprise me that she found the perfect match fairly quick in her journey. Today she shared that, again, her new employer is taking drastic measures to cut back and a whole team has been laid off.

 

This is devastating news considering she just got back on her feet. However, I was impressed by the strength in her voice.  She refused to waste time whining about what couldn’t change and she was already busy networking and researching how she could take charge in her situation. She was adamant that she would control her destiny. She would not accept that the next big gust of wind would decide her fate.

 

I hate to say this, but I know individuals that have spent their whole lives in this pattern.  They float and bob from one job or relationship to the next, letting others decide their fate.  When the wind stops, they land. Usually, they blame their misfortune on others, never accepting the fact that the whole time, they had the ability to control their own path in life.

 

This is your reminder that you don’t have to be that plastic bag taking flight in the wind, unsure of where you’re going or when you will land.

 

You have the power to control your own destiny.

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Go

images kitten in mirror

 

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  As we talked, the conversation slowly turned to strong women “finding their inner sass”.  I was telling her about my presentation that I give on courage and confidence. During the talk, I spend time discussing why women struggle to find their voice.

 

I looked over at her and she had a funny look on her face.  I asked her what was confusing her— she stated that she can’t imagine that the women that she works with struggle with this concept of “finding your voice”. She shared that they are all strong women that are very clear on who they are and what they want in life.

 

I listened to her and reminded her that although she must work with some strong authentic women, there are still plenty that are working daily on this goal.

 

I thought about this off and on for the rest of the day.  After dinner, I went out to my car and began to clean it out. I found a big bin of supplies I had left in my car since I had last given a large presentation.  I brought it in the house and dragged it upstairs to my office.  I took out my props and then I saw the many crumpled pieces of paper covering the bottom of the bin.

 

During the presentation, I asked these very strong, professional women to think about the beliefs that were holding them back in life.  What are all those negative thoughts that come to mind when you’re feeling bad about yourself?  Those “go to” ones that swirl around in your head and play in an endless loop in your brain?  Most of the time, you rationally accept that they don’t define you, but when you’re at your most vulnerable, you believe every single word.

 

I asked each woman in the room to write them down on paper and ceremoniously let them go by throwing them in my bin.  I watched as the whole room got busy writing on their small pieces of paper and eagerly came to me as I walked around, dragging my bin.

 

Now, back to the present— I’m sitting on the floor of my office and seeing the many crumpled pieces of paper. I decided that I would take a look and see what the women had written.  What I found, devastated me.  One after another, each woman shared that they were not enough. They weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.  Over and over and over I read the same exact words until I had cleaned out my whole bin.

 

I thought back to my friend and her comment about the strong women in her workplace.  They could never have a problem finding their own voice, right?  Wrong. Here was proof of what was really going on inside of all of us.  Yes, most of the time we know who we are, we’re successful, and we accomplish great things.  But down deep, way deep, there’s that constant nagging doubt that no matter what we accomplish, it just might not be ENOUGH.

 

Most of the time, you probably appear as if you have it together, you know what you want and you know where you’re going.  But if you’re brutally honest, you’ll admit that it’s sometimes a great illusion for others to witness. There are obviously still things that are holding of you (and even me!) back from true greatness and success. There are still doubts in each and every one of us that hold us back from unbridled happiness.

 

I believe that it’s time to let this go.

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Go

images kitten in mirror

 

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  As we talked, the conversation slowly turned to strong women “finding their inner sass”.  I was telling her about my presentation that I give on courage and confidence. During the talk, I spend time discussing why women struggle to find their voice.

 

I looked over at her and she had a funny look on her face.  I asked her what was confusing her— she stated that she can’t imagine that the women that she works with struggle with this concept of “finding your voice”. She shared that they are all strong women that are very clear on who they are and what they want in life.

 

I listened to her and reminded her that although she must work with some strong authentic women, there are still plenty that are working daily on this goal.

 

I thought about this off and on for the rest of the day.  After dinner, I went out to my car and began to clean it out. I found a big bin of supplies I had left in my car since I had last given a large presentation.  I brought it in the house and dragged it upstairs to my office.  I took out my props and then I saw the many crumpled pieces of paper covering the bottom of the bin.

 

During the presentation, I asked these very strong, professional women to think about the beliefs that were holding them back in life.  What are all those negative thoughts that come to mind when you’re feeling bad about yourself?  Those “go to” ones that swirl around in your head and play in an endless loop in your brain?  Most of the time, you rationally accept that they don’t define you, but when you’re at your most vulnerable, you believe every single word.

 

I asked each woman in the room to write them down on paper and ceremoniously let them go by throwing them in my bin.  I watched as the whole room got busy writing on their small pieces of paper and eagerly came to me as I walked around, dragging my bin.

 

Now, back to the present— I’m sitting on the floor of my office and seeing the many crumpled pieces of paper. I decided that I would take a look and see what the women had written.  What I found, devastated me.  One after another, each woman shared that they were not enough. They weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.  Over and over and over I read the same exact words until I had cleaned out my whole bin.

 

I thought back to my friend and her comment about the strong women in her workplace.  They could never have a problem finding their own voice, right?  Wrong. Here was proof of what was really going on inside of all of us.  Yes, most of the time we know who we are, we’re successful, and we accomplish great things.  But down deep, way deep, there’s that constant nagging doubt that no matter what we accomplish, it just might not be ENOUGH.

 

Most of the time, you probably appear as if you have it together, you know what you want and you know where you’re going.  But if you’re brutally honest, you’ll admit that it’s sometimes a great illusion for others to witness. There are obviously still things that are holding of you (and even me!) back from true greatness and success. There are still doubts in each and every one of us that hold us back from unbridled happiness.

 

I believe that it’s time to let this go.