The Blame Game

image blame

 

When I was engaged, I had a talk with my future husband about my birthday.  I explained to him what birthdays were like in my house growing up.  My parents never overindulged us with presents— there wasn’t a lot of money.  However, I was always treated very special. I would wake up in the morning to my mother singing Happy Birthday and could request the cake of my choice. We always celebrated out at a restaurant where I could order whatever I wanted.

 

Anyway, I informed him before we were married that in order for me to be happy, I needed to be treated special on my birthday. I didn’t need extravagant presents, I just needed to be treated special. I explained to him in detail what that entailed.

 

I’m sure it’s no surprise to find out that in 32 years of marriage, I’ve never been disappointed on my birthday.  He has never forgotten the day and has always made me feel special. Therefore, my expectations have always matched my actual reality.

 

When I think back to different phases of my life, I can’t recall too many times where my expectations weren’t in sync with my reality. My ability to verbalize what I needed in my personal and professional life led me to being happy with the outcome.

 

I have come to the realization that much of our disappointment and unhappiness in life surrounds this notion of having expectations.  A person is capable of spending way too much time focusing on how their reality isn’t what they expected in their career and personal life.  But just like my birthday story, each one of us has equal opportunity to seize control of our own chunk of happiness.  The answer is simple: you can state clearly what you want and need in life.

 

Doesn’t this seem like such a simple solution to a problem?  All you have to do is state what you expect and need in life.  If this is so simple, why is this so difficult? Why do we play so many games, waiting to see if people are going to deliver what we need?  Why are we so afraid to tell people what we want?

 

The first step to assessing your own ability in this area is to be totally honest. How often do you find yourself unhappy because you expected more? Do you state clearly in your career what you need or do you expect others to figure it out?  Do you tell your friends and family what you need to be happy or do you find yourself complaining because someone has let you down?

 

And here’s the million-dollar question— do you find that this is a recurring theme in every facet of your life?  Do you keep wanting and hoping for things, expecting others to just know, and then are you disappointed in others actions and your own consequences?

 

If this mirrors your life in any way, I want you to know that all is not lost.  You can always change your behavior, which will certainly change your life.  If you haven’t shared what you need and want consistently in your life, then you should hold YOU accountable for not getting what you want. Realize that you hold the key in your relationship with your boss, your employees, or your family members. Stop playing the blame game and accept responsibility for your own situation.

 

 

Pet Peeves

pet peeves

 

I have a confession to make to all of you— I have a couple of pet peeves. Yes, there are a few things that I find particularly annoying.  I came to this conclusion today when I felt myself getting quite upset over something that happened.

 

I believe that I’ve demonstrated on a pretty consistent basis that I’m a fairly calm and even-keeled person.  I take what life throws at me in a pretty cool manner and I bounce back fairly quick.

 

With that said, I did some hard thinking when I was working out today, wondering why I reacted so strongly to a recent event. I decided to figure out WHY it bothered me so much. Why do I react so strongly to certain things when I let the majority of stuff that happens throughout the day just slide off my back? Well, here’s what I found.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that are late.

When I did some deep thinking on this subject, I began to have a vision. I’m about 7 years old and I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with my brother.  We’re yelling upstairs for my sister to hurry up because we’re late for Sunday School.  This same scene played out every week in our house. My sister was never able to come down on time. In fact, my sister was never able to get to any event without running late.  I remember years later, at an event to honor my son, I didn’t even expect my sister to get there on time— which she did not.

 

Now, I’m still not sure why she was always late. However, I do know that I acquired a strong distaste for people that aren’t on time.  Apparently, it triggers some negative feelings that developed many years ago. This piece of information is important to know. Recognizing why I’m reacting so strongly to an event helps me deal with the situation.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that commit and then don’t deliver.

Those of you that know me really well are probably laughing and nodding your head.  You’ve seen me get upset about this very thing. After some deep thought, I realized this one is also rooted in my upbringing.  My mother and father always taught me that your word means something.  If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. I’ve lived my life this way, and it always surprises me when others don’t feel the same.  This one is a strong trigger for me— especially if the individual doesn’t take any accountability for not following through.

 

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about your own “pet peeves” that drive you crazy.  There’s a reason WHY you react so strongly to them and it might be helpful for you to understand just what it is.  What’s the story underneath that pet peeve?  What past experiences have shaped your perceptions? It might help you to better comprehend why you react so strongly to a boss, peer at work, family member or a friend.

 

The next time your pet peeve strikes, you can step back and remind yourself WHY you are reacting so strongly to the situation.  Then, you can give thought as to whether this situation is truly worthy of the emotional energy you’re expending.

 

Chances are, it’s not.

Pet Peeves

pet peeves

 

I have a confession to make to all of you— I have a couple of pet peeves. Yes, there are a few things that I find particularly annoying.  I came to this conclusion today when I felt myself getting quite upset over something that happened.

 

I believe that I’ve demonstrated on a pretty consistent basis that I’m a fairly calm and even-keeled person.  I take what life throws at me in a pretty cool manner and I bounce back fairly quick.

 

With that said, I did some hard thinking when I was working out today, wondering why I reacted so strongly to a recent event. I decided to figure out WHY it bothered me so much. Why do I react so strongly to certain things when I let the majority of stuff that happens throughout the day just slide off my back? Well, here’s what I found.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that are late.

When I did some deep thinking on this subject, I began to have a vision. I’m about 7 years old and I’m standing at the bottom of my stairs with my brother.  We’re yelling upstairs for my sister to hurry up because we’re late for Sunday School.  This same scene played out every week in our house. My sister was never able to come down on time. In fact, my sister was never able to get to any event without running late.  I remember years later, at an event to honor my son, I didn’t even expect my sister to get there on time— which she did not.

 

Now, I’m still not sure why she was always late. However, I do know that I acquired a strong distaste for people that aren’t on time.  Apparently, it triggers some negative feelings that developed many years ago. This piece of information is important to know. Recognizing why I’m reacting so strongly to an event helps me deal with the situation.

 

I have a hard time dealing with people that commit and then don’t deliver.

Those of you that know me really well are probably laughing and nodding your head.  You’ve seen me get upset about this very thing. After some deep thought, I realized this one is also rooted in my upbringing.  My mother and father always taught me that your word means something.  If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. I’ve lived my life this way, and it always surprises me when others don’t feel the same.  This one is a strong trigger for me— especially if the individual doesn’t take any accountability for not following through.

 

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about your own “pet peeves” that drive you crazy.  There’s a reason WHY you react so strongly to them and it might be helpful for you to understand just what it is.  What’s the story underneath that pet peeve?  What past experiences have shaped your perceptions? It might help you to better comprehend why you react so strongly to a boss, peer at work, family member or a friend.

 

The next time your pet peeve strikes, you can step back and remind yourself WHY you are reacting so strongly to the situation.  Then, you can give thought as to whether this situation is truly worthy of the emotional energy you’re expending.

 

Chances are, it’s not.

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Steps to Success

I’m a Women’s Success Coach because it is my mission. I feel strongly that this is what I’m meant to do in life. Frankly, I enjoy it so much that I would do it for free but I recognize that it would be a poor business decision. I believe that I have all the skills, knowledge and experience needed to help each woman succeed in both their personal and professional life.

 

That said, I recognize that this is not always enough. Sometimes, despite how hard I work, I fail at helping someone move forward and achieve her goals. As you can imagine, it bugs me to no end. However, I do realize that it takes two to make the process work. If you’ve been wondering if you’re ready to take the next step to work with a coach, here’s a list to help you decide.

 

You’ve made a decision that you no longer want to live your present life. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a personal trainer or a financial expert, unless you are frustrated with your present life, you’re not going to move forward with a Coach. Frankly, you need to feel the pain in order to commit to the hard work.  Changing your life isn’t easy.  It’s so much easier to continue down your current path.  It’s just that the path has to be so uncomfortable for you that you refuse to live it one more day. If that’s how you feel, then you’re ready to commit.

 

You are open to learning new ways of doing things

Ask yourself this question— am I open to someone telling me that my thinking might be incorrect?  Am I willing to allow myself to be vulnerable? The Coaching process is about being honest and admitting that you might have made some mistakes in the past.  It’s about seeing yourself clearly, maybe for the first time in your life. In order for the relationship to work, you need to be thirsty for new ways to approach life. If you can’t meet these requirements, then you’re not going to have a successful relationship with your Coach.

 

You’re willing to work really hard and follow through.

Working with a Coach means you have to do your homework.  When your health coach says you have to record everything you eat, there’s a reason.  If you don’t complete this part of the homework, you won’t be able to succeed.  Yes, it takes hard work to change patterns that you’ve had for years.  Unless you stop and recognize them, you will continue to do things the exact same way. However, like anything else in life, nothing worth having comes easy. If you come to an appointment without completing your homework, you’re sending a very clear message.

 

It’s your decision to work with a Coach.

Did your husband suggest that a Business Coach would help you increase your profitability at work so you thought that you’d give it a try? I’m already skeptical of your commitment.  This needs to be your decision or you’re not going to see the same degree of success.  You need to seize total ownership of this commitment and the process.  The most successful clients are those that had been mulling it over for a while and decided the time was right.

 

Working with a Coach can be a life-changing experience.  It’s your decision whether you view it as an opportunity to accomplish your dreams or a waste of time and money.  I certainly hope you choose the former.