What’s Important

images life waterA friend recently connected me with a woman that was in town to film a documentary. The film team asked me if I was willing to be interviewed the very next day.  Since it fit into my calendar, I said yes and didn’t give it much more thought.

 

We had all made our introductions when I finally got around to inquiring of the documentary topic.  I just assumed that I had been singled out to discuss women and leadership. I was mentally prepared to discuss the challenges that women face today in the workplace. However, I was way off base. Ashley was a Child Psychologist at the University of Hawaii and taught a class on culture across lifespans.  As the interview started, she informed me that I didn’t have to answer any question if I felt uncomfortable.  I smiled and said that I was an open book and didn’t mind talking.

 

We talked for about an hour and she didn’t leave many stones unturned.  She was curious about the transitions in my life and how it led me to where I am today. We discussed careers and kids and my view on how to manage work/life balance.  She wanted to know about each of my children and how and why they were different. She was very curious about my 33-year marriage and what I believed was the secret to staying married such a long time.

 

Since this interview was truly about culture, we spent some time discussing my childhood and how I raised my own children.  Before I knew it, an hour had passed and our time was over. The event had truly been a wonderful experience.

 

As I walked out, I gave thought to why I had enjoyed myself so much.  I realized that it had given me the opportunity to take a good look at my life.  It enabled me to objectively talk about my children, my husband, and my career and make the realization that I had a lot to be grateful for in life. The pointed questions that she asked had encouraged me to talk about many things that don’t usually come up in conversation. It was a good feeling to reminisce.

 

The whole experience made me consider that we spend too many days focusing on what’s wrong in our life and not enough on what’s going right.  We can become obsessed with the people that disappoint us, or the things that we wish would be different. We lust for the things that we don’t possess or worry about things that, chances are, won’t happen.  In our minds, we assume that if we had this different life, then everything would be better. Then, we would have the life that we always wanted.

 

The interview actually made me realize my contentment.  No— things aren’t perfect. My back still hurts and I still have this annoying sinus problem that won’t go away.  However, things could be much worse, so I work around the stuff that’s not perfect.  The point is that I’m very clear on what’s important in my life. I refuse to waste time on the things that truly don’t matter.

 

What’s Important

images life waterA friend recently connected me with a woman that was in town to film a documentary. The film team asked me if I was willing to be interviewed the very next day.  Since it fit into my calendar, I said yes and didn’t give it much more thought.

 

We had all made our introductions when I finally got around to inquiring of the documentary topic.  I just assumed that I had been singled out to discuss women and leadership. I was mentally prepared to discuss the challenges that women face today in the workplace. However, I was way off base. Ashley was a Child Psychologist at the University of Hawaii and taught a class on culture across lifespans.  As the interview started, she informed me that I didn’t have to answer any question if I felt uncomfortable.  I smiled and said that I was an open book and didn’t mind talking.

 

We talked for about an hour and she didn’t leave many stones unturned.  She was curious about the transitions in my life and how it led me to where I am today. We discussed careers and kids and my view on how to manage work/life balance.  She wanted to know about each of my children and how and why they were different. She was very curious about my 33-year marriage and what I believed was the secret to staying married such a long time.

 

Since this interview was truly about culture, we spent some time discussing my childhood and how I raised my own children.  Before I knew it, an hour had passed and our time was over. The event had truly been a wonderful experience.

 

As I walked out, I gave thought to why I had enjoyed myself so much.  I realized that it had given me the opportunity to take a good look at my life.  It enabled me to objectively talk about my children, my husband, and my career and make the realization that I had a lot to be grateful for in life. The pointed questions that she asked had encouraged me to talk about many things that don’t usually come up in conversation. It was a good feeling to reminisce.

 

The whole experience made me consider that we spend too many days focusing on what’s wrong in our life and not enough on what’s going right.  We can become obsessed with the people that disappoint us, or the things that we wish would be different. We lust for the things that we don’t possess or worry about things that, chances are, won’t happen.  In our minds, we assume that if we had this different life, then everything would be better. Then, we would have the life that we always wanted.

 

The interview actually made me realize my contentment.  No— things aren’t perfect. My back still hurts and I still have this annoying sinus problem that won’t go away.  However, things could be much worse, so I work around the stuff that’s not perfect.  The point is that I’m very clear on what’s important in my life. I refuse to waste time on the things that truly don’t matter.

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Showing Grace

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was quite upset.  Her sister had just become engaged and she was struggling with her feelings about the news. Her sister had informed her of the engagement through a text message, when it had really merited a phone call and a nice conversation. However, this relationship has had issues before this new turn of events.

 

Not only was Mary (not her real name) angry about the way she had been informed, but she was also livid that her sister had picked the exact same style and venue that she had for her wedding that had ended in a broken engagement. Mary believed that her sister had made this choice on purpose. When she called her sister to share her anger about the situation, the conversation quickly went downhill, ending with the bride-to-be sharing that she didn’t expect her sister to show at her wedding.

 

I spent the next 40 minutes on the phone: First, validating her feelings and then helping her see that this decision was not necessarily made to hurt her. I then reminded her that even though she might be partly right, this really wasn’t about being right or wrong.

 

I informed her that she had a choice; she could either make the time until the wedding ceremony chaotic and negative or she could rise above all the drama and handle the situation with grace.  I asked her to consider which one she would like as her legacy— her behavior would be etched in everyone’s memory for eternity.

 

The other day, I had a conversation with a woman, working out some business issues.  There were numerous times during the conversation where her tone and attitude could be discerned as condescending and inappropriate.  During the whole process, I spoke calm and kind, yet firm in my beliefs.  When I got off the phone, I relayed the experience to my husband.  “You shouldn’t have accepted that whole attitude”.  I disagree.

 

I had a choice as to how I would handle the situation. I felt totally in control and was capable of holding my own.  However, during the interaction, I kept calm and gave it thought.  What do I want to accomplish in this conversation? What do I have to gain by being gracious and what do I have to gain by letting her have it?

 

You might be thinking, “What do I have to gain by being gracious when I’m clearly in the right?” Consider for a moment that it might not be about who is right and who is wrong.  We often get stuck on this point. However, if you can get past the emotions of anger, frustration, and hurt and focus on what you want the outcome to be, you’ll be on the right track. Don’t look at the short-term gain but consider what you want for the long-term in your life. Maybe you need to swallow your pride and do what’s best for you and others in the long run. Words said in anger can haunt you for many years to come.

 

I was speaking with a client today who had difficulty doing just that— holding her tongue and considering the consequences.  She took me through a scenario at work, ending with her realization that she had nothing to gain by showing her anger with her co-workers.  For the first time, she was able to think through the situation, have empathy for other’s behavior, figure out her strategy and make the wise choice of having grace. What a confidence builder!

 

I hope you make the decision to approach your life with the same degree of grace. Frankly, it’s never too late to change your ways.

 

 

Take Action

On 4th of July weekend, my husband and I drove up to Chicago to spend a few days away.  We felt pretty lucky that we planned the trip that specific weekend since it ended up raining almost every day at home.  With the weather beautiful, we spent time shopping, eating and just relaxing. We rented bikes and rode 42 miles along the lake.  Needless to say, the trip allowed us to relax and let go of the stressors of everyday life.

 

When we got back Sunday evening, I had a list of tasks to accomplish; I woke up especially early to start tackling my list.  I calculated how much time I needed to workout, get dressed, do some paperwork and then leave for my jam-packed day. I had everything scheduled down to the minute, which, as you know, is always when your life deviates from your plan.

 

I ate breakfast and got in my car to go to the gym.  I backed out of the drive and pulled into the street. My stereo was blasting from the last time I had been in the car. When I hit the street, something made me turn down the stereo, and listen more carefully. I could swear that I had heard a strange sound emanating from my car. Since my car was still in reverse, I rolled a little further back while listening.  Something just didn’t sound right. That’s when I caught a glimpse of the driveway.  There were dark tire marks covering the entire driveway. Confused, I pulled forward into the driveway and got out of my car.

 

I walked around the car and looked at my tires. My front passenger tire confirmed my suspicions.  The tire wasn’t just a little flat; it had absolutely no air in the tire! My first thought was how did this happen? My tires had been fine last night when I went to the store. My second thought was how this was going to impact my whole day. I mentally went through the list of responsibilities that I had that day.  The feelings of stress and anxiety quickly took over my body. I was definitely pushed against the wall and I felt my blood pressure begin to rise. How quickly my feelings of calm and relaxation from my recent getaway had turned into stress again!

 

That’s when I decided to take control of the situation.  I thought about how I wasn’t going to focus on this negative turn of events but I WAS going to be solution oriented.  I went into action and asked my husband to help me change the tire.  I planned out how I would handle the rest of the day’s responsibilities and went in the house to make calls.  I reorganized my schedule and just kept moving forward. I spent time at the tire store only to find out they couldn’t do it until the next day.  I muttered the mantra “It is what is” probably a thousand times within 48 hours.  Saying these words enabled me to move forward and not focus on how today was supposed to be so different than the way it was turning out.

 

It’s hard to get through life without eventually having these types of mishaps. Bad things happen when you least expect them, especially when you can’t afford the time, energy or money for them to happen. You feel a total loss of control over the situation, which then results in stress and anxiety. The bottom line is that you need to take control of the situation to feel better. Focus on taking action to solve your immediate problem, instead of wasting time and energy thinking about what should or could have been.  It is what it is. Trust me, it’s a much smarter, happier, and more effective way to live your life.

Long-Term Solutions

I was having a conversation with a friend at the gym this morning.  We were talking about our children and our lives, and that led to a conversation about relationships.  She shared that she knew someone that was in a bad marriage and had been for years.  She wasn’t sure why this friend stayed in this relationship, but lately, the friend had been telling her about another man that was paying attention to her.  This new infatuation took up a lot of space in her head and the whole thing really bothered my friend.

 

She didn’t understand why this woman was turning to someone else when she had a current relationship that obviously needed attention.  I agreed with her.  Frankly, I’ve seen this same scenario play out over and over with numerous relationships.  Instead of dealing with the situation at hand and facing the uncomfortable truth, many turn to other people to give them what they’re missing.  Common sense tells you that this isn’t going to turn out positively.  Eventually, the whole thing is going to combust and the problems are going to be bigger and harder to solve.  But doing this in the short-term is easier and not as painful.

 

Which leads me to this thought: why do people choose to handle their issues with short-term fixes that feel good instead of dealing with the problem?  I’m not just referring to relationships— I see the same pattern with women and their choices in their careers.  They take the job that pays more initially over the job that has potential and fits their skills better.  The extra money sounds really good and is an immediate fix.  They can’t imagine getting by on less money, even if it means down the road, they could very well have the job of their dreams.  They can’t visualize changing careers and doing what they love because they would have to start over financially and emotionally. All they can see is the long road ahead, which is hard, so they stay exactly where they are.

 

I see it when people are grappling with the decision to start a business.  Starting a business is a major sacrifice in your life. Chances are, you’ll be strapped for money, overworked, and deal daily with frustration.  Success won’t happen overnight and you have to be willing to wait to reap the benefits.  That “sure thing” paycheck seems like a much easier route to take.  It’s the owners that hang in there and are willing to keep working toward their far-away goal that find eventual success.

 

What I’m asking you to do is to think about your own life.  Is there an area of your life where you can’t bear to do the hard work?  Is it a relationship, career, or friendship?  Is it your health?  Is that piece of cake your short-term fix to feel better when you really need to do that one-hour workout at the gym and lose 10 pounds?  Do you find yourself giving in to your kid and letting him have that toy in the store because it’s easier than saying no and surviving the anger and rejection (and tantrum) that will follow the decision?

 

I’m suggesting that you stop putting band-aids on your problems.  There’s no quick way to make a million dollars.  There’s no secret way to instantly lose 20 pounds.  Your obstacles are not going to go away without some long-term planning and hard work. Stop doing what “feels good” in the short-term and face the issue at hand.  In the long run, this is the real recipe for happiness and success.