When They Need You

I got home late Wednesday night from a full day of activities.  Completely exhausted but too wound up to sleep, I took a bath to relax and began to read a book. I’m not really not sure what time I finally went to sleep, but when I woke up at 7:15, I had a massive headache and my body felt 20 years older than my chronological age.

 

I willed myself to wake up and put my contacts in my eyes. I threw on some clothes, ran downstairs and prayed that the coffee would make my head feel better.  After my quick trip to the gym coupled with the cup of coffee, I was closer to feeling human.  That’s when I got the call.

 

My 25-year-old son, who lives in Columbus, had been at home for a week recovering from Diverticulitis.  A strange disease for a young guy, but painful just the same. He had been diagnosed a week before and had done nothing but lie on the couch and sleep.  I believe the days were getting long and lonely.

 

Anyway, I asked him how he was feeling and he said, “the same, maybe a little better”.  I was hoping for more than “a little better”.  He asked me if I could come in to visit with him. He then repeated this statement multiple times. There I was, sitting at my desk, with a million things to do. My appointments had canceled a couple hours before, and I impulsively decided that this was a sign that I should just go. I ran to change my clothes and left for Columbus.

 

I believe he called me two times during that car ride. Each time, he didn’t really have a good reason for calling.  When I pulled up to the townhouse, he was sitting outside waiting for me, so excited and happy that I was there. On pain medication and unable to drive, he was relieved to get out of the house and go to lunch.  Over our meal, he decided that I should make him some homemade soup. I took him shopping and picked out the foods that he could eat. He said it felt good to be walking and moving through the store instead of lying on a couch.

 

We went back to his place and I made the soup. He talked to me the whole time and helped me cut up vegetables. He repeatedly told me how much he appreciated me taking him out and making dinner. We watched TV together for a while until I announced that it was time to go. He kept insisting that I should stay but I knew he had a friend coming over soon. Instead, I suggested that he come home with me, but he insisted, “This was his home”.

 

When I heard this, my first feeling was hurt but my second feeling was pride. He had built a life here and had become independent. This was the way it was supposed to be.

 

On the ride home, I was thinking about our conversation. I had asked him what I should write about this week, and without missing a beat, he suggested that I write about how kids always need their moms. He said that it doesn’t matter how old you get, how independent you are, or how tough you are, there are certain times in your life when only your mom can help you feel better. I think he’s right.3

 

“What If” Moments in Life

I read the forecast the night before and it didn’t look promising. Rain, rain and more rain was expected throughout the day.  I shared with my husband that I was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to go for a walk outside.  He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just go to the gym if I wanted some exercise.

 

For me, going to the gym is very different than being able to walk outside.  I enjoy walking around the neighborhood, watching all the spring flowers bloom and hearing the birds chirping.  A walk in nature helps me relax and gets me in a creative mode.

 

I kept peering outside to see if it was raining yet.  Could I beat the rain?  Could I get at least a 15-minute walk in before the downpour started?  I decided to take my chances and go for it.  As I enjoyed my walk outdoors, it suddenly dawned on me that twenty minutes had passed and it hadn’t rained yet.  When I hit 40 minutes on my walk, the sun graced me with its presence.  With no sign of rain in sight, I continued to walk.

 

As I peered up at the sky, it occurred to me.  What was the reason I couldn’t go for a walk— because it was going to rain? What exactly was going to happen if it did rain on me?  As far as I could tell, the worst that thing to happen would be that I would come back wet and would have to change my clothes. By the time I got back to my house, I had walked a good hour and the sun was shining.  I felt accomplished, and energized to get some work done.

 

I’ve noticed a reoccurring theme while coaching clients.  It’s called the “what if” syndrome.  What if I take that new job and I hate it?  What if I start a new business and it fails miserably?  What if I buy that house and I’m not happy there?  You can play the “what if” game in every facet of your life. In fact, the “what if” game can keep you paralyzed. For any decision that you make in life, you can certainly find the reasons why it might not be the absolute best decision.   If you’re a really dedicated thinker, you’ll be able to come up with a justifiable explanation in almost every situation.

 

Although being deliberate in your decision-making can be a positive asset, being too deliberate in your thinking can definitely work against you.  It can hold you back from taking part in many life experiences that move you forward.  Taking a risk, big or small, is part of living. It starts with something simple like taking the chance to go for a walk in unpredictable weather. It leads to something more major like making a career change.

 

I’ve decided that instead of playing the “what if “game, I’m going to consistently play the “so what, it’ll all work out” game. I suggest that you do the same.

 

 

“What If” Moments in Life

I read the forecast the night before and it didn’t look promising. Rain, rain and more rain was expected throughout the day.  I shared with my husband that I was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to go for a walk outside.  He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just go to the gym if I wanted some exercise.

 

For me, going to the gym is very different than being able to walk outside.  I enjoy walking around the neighborhood, watching all the spring flowers bloom and hearing the birds chirping.  A walk in nature helps me relax and gets me in a creative mode.

 

I kept peering outside to see if it was raining yet.  Could I beat the rain?  Could I get at least a 15-minute walk in before the downpour started?  I decided to take my chances and go for it.  As I enjoyed my walk outdoors, it suddenly dawned on me that twenty minutes had passed and it hadn’t rained yet.  When I hit 40 minutes on my walk, the sun graced me with its presence.  With no sign of rain in sight, I continued to walk.

 

As I peered up at the sky, it occurred to me.  What was the reason I couldn’t go for a walk— because it was going to rain? What exactly was going to happen if it did rain on me?  As far as I could tell, the worst that thing to happen would be that I would come back wet and would have to change my clothes. By the time I got back to my house, I had walked a good hour and the sun was shining.  I felt accomplished, and energized to get some work done.

 

I’ve noticed a reoccurring theme while coaching clients.  It’s called the “what if” syndrome.  What if I take that new job and I hate it?  What if I start a new business and it fails miserably?  What if I buy that house and I’m not happy there?  You can play the “what if” game in every facet of your life. In fact, the “what if” game can keep you paralyzed. For any decision that you make in life, you can certainly find the reasons why it might not be the absolute best decision.   If you’re a really dedicated thinker, you’ll be able to come up with a justifiable explanation in almost every situation.

 

Although being deliberate in your decision-making can be a positive asset, being too deliberate in your thinking can definitely work against you.  It can hold you back from taking part in many life experiences that move you forward.  Taking a risk, big or small, is part of living. It starts with something simple like taking the chance to go for a walk in unpredictable weather. It leads to something more major like making a career change.

 

I’ve decided that instead of playing the “what if “game, I’m going to consistently play the “so what, it’ll all work out” game. I suggest that you do the same.

 

 

Asking For It

The first time he mentioned it, we were in the middle of a pleasant conversation.  We were talking about getting a gym membership and my son worked it into the conversation. “You should consider letting me have your treadmill,” he said.  Then he continued, “You guys aren’t using it at all. I bet you haven’t used that thing for a couple of years. Do you think that you could get Dad to agree to give it up?”  I knew how my husband felt about giving up his treadmill or any of his possessions. He becomes attached to things. Somehow, just having it take up space in our extra bedroom makes him happy.

 

I responded with, “You’ll have to ask your Dad about that one.”  My first thought was that I had absolutely no problem letting the treadmill go— but it took two votes to make it happen.  He continued with his persuasive skills and shared how it would be very convenient for him to workout at the end of the day.  He stated that it would make his life so much easier and would offer him the ability to work off steam so he could tackle his academic work.

 

Two weeks later, we were having a nice talk when the conversation turned to working out.  “Have you and dad discussed the treadmill?”  I replied that I had forgotten about it the minute we got off the phone.  “The weather is getting really cold and it would be so much easier to run on the treadmill inside. I have the perfect place for it now that we’re in the new apartment.” I asked him how he would get the treadmill to his house and he had the perfect answer. “I can come get it with a rented truck.”

 

Yesterday, I was asking him what he and his girlfriend need or want this year, and he gave me a couple ideas of what they could use. Then he continued, “You know, that treadmill would make a great gift. We could both make use of it during the next couple months.”

 

After I got off the phone, I began thinking about the treadmill.  But more than the treadmill itself, I was thinking about his strategy in acquiring it. His ability to see beyond the “NO” was just astounding!  Each time that we had discussed the possible acquisition of the treadmill, I had either said no or gave no response. He had called his dad and his dad had said no.  But that didn’t deter him.  He just kept on going, weaving this into each conversation in a very natural way.  He never came on too aggressive to the point where I was irritated.  We just discussed it enough that it started to sound like a good idea.  Not only that, but it started to sound like an idea that was going to happen.

 

Yes, now that I think about it, we could all use some lessons from Zach.  He has perfected the art of asking for the sale. He doesn’t back down from his no while reminding the person why they need to make this good decision.  A strategy that makes the other person realize that not only should they buy into the idea, but they’ll feel “darn good” about buying into the idea.

 

If you’re in business, take heed to this— internalize this principle.  Most individuals don’t get the deal because they think no really means no. But no should really mean, “I might be convinced in the near future, but right now I can’t commit.”

 

Zach had a long-term strategy to closing this deal.  He needed to finesse the situation and keep his eye on the goal.

 

Whether you’re building your business, working in sales, or just trying to win that promotion, you’ll eventually need to ask for it.  And, chances are, you’ll be shot down the first time around.  But remember to do a “Zach” and keep focused on your goal. Be patient, keep your eye on the prize and remind them of why it’s the absolute best decision they can make.

Near Life Experience

My week started by attending a funeral on Monday.  I’m sure you’d agree that going to funerals are not a favorite thing for anyone to do in life. However, they’re definitely part of life and hard to avoid, the older you get.  The experience at the beginning of the week encouraged me to contemplate life- how quickly life can go by without the chance to chase your dreams.

 

By Wednesday, I attended the Sassy Girlfriend Talk where the topic was age.  We shared in a circle what age we felt in our head.  Not the one you see when you look in the mirror, but the one, when you close your eyes, you truly FEEL.  I’m asking all of you now to close your eyes and think-what age are you in your head?  If you could turn back the clock 10 years, what decisions would you make in your life? What dreams would you go after?  Now the big question for you, why can’t you chase that dream right now?

 

I’ll admit it, in my head, I think I’m 25! Don’t laugh, I really do! I think I can do anything I set my mind to do.  Honestly, I think this attitude serves me well since Sunday, I rode my bike 58 miles. I suppose if I felt 65 in my head, I would have hesitated to try to tackle this. I think I’ll stick with 25 since it seems to be working for me.  It never occurs to me that I’m at an age when I might not be able to accomplish something. You might refer to this as “denial”, however, I call it living and taking advantage of every day.

 

My son called me yesterday from Columbus to share an experience. He was shaken and didn’t know how to make sense of his day.  He explained that he had just finished his lunch break and was walking back to work. He walked out of the airport door and was on the sidewalk when he heard a loud horrible thud right in front of him.  He looked up, not understanding what was happening around him.  There, 10 feet in front of him lay a man.  The man had jumped off the top of the parking garage. Instinctively responding, he ran to where the man had landed and knelt down to check on him. He checked his pulse to see if he was alive.

 

As he went back to work and tried to make sense of things, it occurred to him that the man had landed 10 feet in front of him, directly in his path.  One or two seconds later, that man would have made a direct hit.  What are the chances?  How lucky he was to avoid that fate. For the first time, I believe he felt his mortality.

 

In my experiences working with women, I have realized that all of us, at some time or another, take life for granted.  We casually put our dreams and desires in life on a list and say we’ll get back to them when we can.  Maybe we want to go back to school and finish a degree or finally start our own business.  Maybe it’s taking that trip to visit our friend we haven’t seen in years. Whatever it is, we assume that it will all be there for us when we’re ready to take action.  We assume that we have many years ahead of us to live.

 

My suggestion to you is that you all channel the age of 25 and believe you can accomplish anything you want.  Stop putting your goals and desires on hold, waiting for the absolute right time to change your life. The right time is NOW!

Self-Esteem Quick Fixes

The other day, I came across an article that promised to give women instant confidence and self-esteem in 4 easy steps. Now don’t get me wrong— I highly support all measures to improve self-esteem. However, I’m just a bit skeptical that you can see results in a few hours of time.

 

The truth is that it takes a lifetime to build self-esteem.  You can’t build confidence and self-esteem by listening to a speaker or reading an article about self-esteem. If only it was that easy! Confidence and self-esteem are developed by the consistent actions and behaviors of an individual over a period of time.

 

So what can you do if you’re struggling with confidence?

 

Get to know YOU better.  There’s no way around this one; the key to building self-esteem is getting to know you and understanding what you need to be happy. Are you in touch with who you really are and what you need in life to be fulfilled? Are you aware of your skills, talents and passions and are they a part of your daily life?  I call this “living your life with genuinity”(my own term). Once you live your life true to you, you will feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.

 

Set a goal and accomplish it.  It seems pretty simple, doesn’t it?  You would be surprised at the number of women that go through life without actually defining certain goals they would like to reach.  The thing is that every time you are able to focus on a certain task and meet that expectation, you gain a little more confidence.  You feel a little more certain that the next goal you work on can also be met. No matter what the age, you never outgrow the need to raise and set the bar to reach another accomplishment.

 

Incorporate exercise into your life.  I’m a pretty firm believer that exercise is key for every woman that wants to feel good about herself.  You don’t have to aspire to attain the perfect body— you just need to move on a daily basis. The feeling of becoming physically stronger actually makes you feel mentally stronger.  On top of that, the endorphins released during exercise only add to that good feeling.  Suddenly, you are walking a little straighter with confidence. You feel good about you!

 

Face your fears. In order to feel good about you, get outside your comfort zone and really stretch yourself! This is where self-esteem gets a real boost. What’s ironic about this is that you might stay with what’s safe in life because you don’t want to fail; which you feel would lead to you feeling bad about you. However, the opposite is actually true— the more you stay safe, the less confident and self-assured you become.  It doesn’t feel good to know you don’t have the guts to challenge yourself.  If this sounds familiar, push yourself to take the plunge. The process of facing your fears is a huge step into self-esteem territory.

 

Find your voice. Take a good look at your life. Are you a pleaser?  Do you try to make everyone happy?  Do you feel people take advantage of you at work, or in friendships? Then you need to address this immediately and learn how to have healthier physical and emotional boundaries.  Until you do this hard work, you will struggle with self-esteem. Your ability to be able to articulate what you need, without worrying what others think, is imperative to your confidence level and self-worth.

 

This is what I want you to remember: building self-esteem is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. It comes with having experiences coupled with consistent work to better understand “YOU”.  It happens when you have a vision of what you specifically need to be happy and you then take action to live that life.

 

Getting Smart With Smartphones

Recently, I attended a lunch and learn event that had a truly dynamic speaker. Her presentation was relevant to every single woman in the room and her delivery was excellent.  Since I attend a lot of events, I feel confident that I know a great speaker when I see and hear one.  Halfway through the presentation, I glanced around the room to get a sense of the crowd. Were they enjoying the speaker as much as I was?  Were they responding to what she had to share? The truth was that a large number of them were staring at their smartphones.

 

This aggravated me on a number of levels.  One, since I’m a speaker, I know how disheartening it is to be working the crowd and see people not even trying to make eye contact with you. Frankly, I find it disrespectful. Second, what could possibly be so important that the audience members can’t wait another 15 minutes to check their phones?

 

In a recent New York Times article, Dr. Elias Aboujaoude, director of the impulse control Disorders Clinic at Stanford University, shared that excessive use of the internet, cellphone and other technologies can cause us to become more impatient, forgetful and even more narcissistic.  Uh-oh. Follow up studies have shown that the immediacy of the internet and the efficiency of a smart phone can change the core of who we are.  I don’t know about you, but this gives me some thought.

 

Other studies have indicated that when students were asked to give up their technology for the day, they exhibited symptoms similar to drug dependency.  They actually went through a withdrawal process. Does any of this really surprise you?

 

I went for a bike ride the other night with my 20-year-old son.  We were having a great time when I spotted an old friend. I stopped to have a chat with her and catch up on her life.  I don’t believe I talked for more than 10 minutes at the most.  My son was about 12 feet ahead of me, standing by the lake.  The sun was getting close to setting and the scene was just beautiful.  When I caught up with him, I thanked him for waiting for me, and he proclaimed, “I had nothing to do for that whole time.  I didn’t have my iphone in my pocket.”

 

I can’t say that I’m not an offender myself.  There is the time I was standing with my husband at the check-out counter at the grocery store and decided that I had to check my emails on my phone, again. I had just done this not 10 minutes before.  He was talking to me and I wasn’t hearing a word that he said.  Finally, he stated loudly, “Will you please put that thing away?!!”

 

Is it possible that we have become too used to having every minute filled with stimulation? Are we so easily bored that we are in need of constant excitement?  Are we capable of doing one thing at a time anymore?

 

Maybe some of you are thinking that this certainly doesn’t pertain to you.  If so, congratulations— you are on the right path to finding balance with technology use.  The rest of you (including myself) might need to reflect on this a bit.  Do you find yourself staring at your phone while you talk to your kids? Do you take your phone to bed with you? Do you get excited when you hear someone has left you a message?

 

If so, I have a challenge for you. I hereby decree Sunday, August 26 no technology day.  Can you go a full day without connecting on your computer and phone?  I plan on doing it, and I’m going to see if I can talk my son into doing the same.  So, who’s in? Write to me and let me know your experience.

 

Three Tips for Better Balance

Right this minute, I’m lying on the chaise lounge in the backyard.  The fact that I’m lying down and not moving is a good step forward.  Today, I planned my dinner menus and went grocery shopping, biked 42 miles, went to a photo shoot, walked the dog, made homemade soup for dinner, created a new program idea and did paperwork. It’s hard to believe it’s Sunday.

 

Have you ever had that feeling in the back of your throat when you know you’re getting sick? You have that tickle in the back of your throat, need to cough and every bone in your body aches?  That’s how I feel right now, and I could just kick myself. I have a crazy busy week culminating with my largest presentation yet and I’m getting sick.  How could this have happened?

 

Well, it’s not really that hard to figure out— if I’m honest with myself! Let’s see, the last week started with a full day of activities and an evening appointment. I didn’t get home until 9:00 pm. Tuesday was even busier for me. I drove to Dayton and got caught in the rain while walking all over downtown. I had an appointment, then a networking event, then drove home to walk the dog before leaving for another networking event.  Again, I didn’t get home till 9:00 pm and, as usual, didn’t have dinner.  Wednesday and Thursday I attended events and didn’t eat dinner. Friday, I got up early and ran from appointment to appointment.

 

Frankly, it was not smart of me to continue to push full steam ahead when my fuel gauge was obviously running on fumes.  I should know better than to not take good care of myself! But like many women, I pride myself on accomplishments and being able to “do it all.” In lieu of my recent realizations, here are a couple reminders.

 

You can’t do everything and be everywhere— prioritize!

You don’t have to attend every single event— it’s virtually impossible. Evaluate your commitments and prioritize their importance. How does it affect your career and how does it affect your personal obligations?  Can you compromise? One of the biggest issues women deal with is their insistence on seeing these commitments in black or white options.  The truth is that there’s a vast range of choices open to you.

 

Be attuned to your bodies needs and respond accordingly.

You need to be attentive to your bodies needs; when you’re hungry, be sure to take the time to eat.  That doesn’t mean you sneak some food standing at the refrigerator.  It means you take the time to sit down and slowly eat a good, relaxing meal. When your body is telling you that it’s exhausted and can’t push anymore, listen.  Stop working and take some time out.  There is a point you hit where you’re truly not effective anymore.

 

Take some “me-time” every single day.

Even when you’re busy, find a way to take at least 20-30 minutes of “me-time” It doesn’t involve work and it doesn’t involve commitments of any kind.  It’s just something pleasurable. Everyone needs this to recharge daily.

 

I try to practice what I preach. However, I am acknowledging that in the last couple weeks, I really got off track.  All of us do now and then. The important thing is to recognize this and make a firm commitment to YOU to get back in a healthy routine. I will if you will.

 

Routine Rewards

No matter how busy my day gets, I never go to sleep without taking a hot bubble bath. That’s right, every single night. In fact, if I don’t follow through on this ritual, I have trouble calming down for the night.  You see, taking a bath signifies the end of my day for me.  During those 15 minutes in the bathtub, I am able to turn everything off in my brain, decompress and relax.  It might not work for you, but it definitely works for me.

 

The point to sharing this bit of information is that routine can be good for you. Often, my focus with women is to get outside their box and do things a little differently. I encourage them to change it up and not get stuck in their usual routine. Although this is true, you also need some things that you can count on happening regularly.

 

You need to have routines in order to accomplish things in life. When I was a working mom with young children, I would have been lost without my routines.  I counted on these routines to accomplish all my responsibilities with the kids and the house in addition to my full-time job. On Sunday mornings, I routinely made out a list of what I was going to prepare for dinner each day of the coming week. After that was decided, I would make out my grocery list and go shopping.  I never wavered from my routine because in the long run, it made my life so much easier. My fitness goals would be impossible without routine. Honestly, it would make it way too easy to not go workout if I didn’t have certain days of the week that I exercise religiously. Today, I have routines that make it possible for me to accomplish the many responsibilities in my job.  If I didn’t have my routine of spending 30 minutes in the morning answering email before getting involved in other work, I wouldn’t be able to focus on the many other responsibilities of the day.

 

Routines help us feel comfortable and secure. Everyone in life needs things they can count on no matter what’s transpiring. Having routines helps you feel comforted and safe. With rituals, there are no surprises and you know exactly what to expect.  Frankly, we all need this in our lives so we can feel in control of our universe.  For example, I cook a homemade soup every single Sunday night. My family has come to expect it and look forward to it.  You could say that it has become a tradition in our house. Traditions and rituals are an important part of your life. When the world is spinning out of control, your traditions and rituals give you a sense of comfort and help you cope.

 

I want every woman to view life as an adventure, but I would be remiss not to remind you that having certain routines is also an essential part of your healthy life.  Strive for a balance of adventures that push your limits mixed in with routines and rituals that enable you to accomplish your goals.