A Dose of Reality

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought.  He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

 

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time.  However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

 

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life.  They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

 

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother?  Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year?  Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life?  Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

 

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women.  They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder.  But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

 

I have raised two sons while working outside the home.  Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities.  You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME.   When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

 

Let go of the rest.

 

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen.  However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

 

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

 

 

 

A Dose of Reality

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought.  He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

 

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time.  However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

 

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life.  They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

 

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother?  Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year?  Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life?  Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

 

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women.  They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder.  But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

 

I have raised two sons while working outside the home.  Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities.  You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME.   When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

 

Let go of the rest.

 

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen.  However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

 

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

 

 

 

Relationship Advice

Miles and I are pretty firm in our routine.  He knows that I always feed him dinner and take him for a walk around 4 or 5 o’clock. If I’m in the house starting around 2 o’clock, I can count on him to be glued to my side.  Every time I make a move, he’s right there.  If I’m working at my desk, he will sit beside me and stare. He’ll be watching for any sign of movement, signaling my possible descent downstairs to his food bowl.  Watching his behavior, you would think that I never feed him.

 

By about 4 o ‘clock, I can no longer stand the feeling of someone staring at me and I make my way to the kitchen.  I feed him and get his leash ready for the walk.  He scarfs down the food morsels within a 20 second span and then turns to me for the next act.

 

Today, I felt pretty lucky that I was able to walk him before the big downpour of rain.  The weather was just perfect— sunshine with a nice breeze to cool things down.  As usual, Miles walked fast and insisted on leaving his calling card on every single bush and tree within a 2-block radius.  When we turned around and began our walk back to the house, Miles sat down.  He sprawled out under a tree and decided he was done.  I didn’t notice this detail, so I continued to walk until the long, taut leash pulled me back.

 

I told Miles that he could take a little break but then we were going to go back home.  When I got close to him, he quickly turned over on his back to show me he was ready to get picked up.  I tried to “marionette” him to walk but that didn’t work.  Frustrated and angry, I finally gave up and picked him up.  Miles seemed quite content with my decision.

 

I listen daily to successful women that are unhappy with the relationships in their lives.  They want the people in their professional or personal lives to change and they ask my advice as how to make this happen. They have a proactive approach to life and are very problem/solution oriented. All of this is wonderful but they’re leaving out one very important detail.  You can’t make people change and you can’t convince people that they need to change.  In fact, the harder you try, the less effective you will be.

 

You can, however, change your own part in the scenario.  A relationship is dynamic and if you change your own behavior, then the other individual’s behavior will also have to adapt.  It might take time before you see the desired changes in the other individual, but it’s definitely an empowering and healthy way to handle the situation.

 

Now, back to Miles.  I was livid with Miles when he was lying under the tree and expected me to pick him up. I could swear he had a smile on his face. But who was really responsible for this travesty? What had I taught him to expect from me?  He had the routine down from the signs that I was getting ready to feed him until the moment that I gave in and picked him up.   I had trained him on this whole experience.

 

However, if I changed my behavior, he would also have to make some changes.  Maybe the first time, things wouldn’t go so smooth, but if I stayed the course on this new change, the Pug would eventually have no choice but to adapt.

It’s really not that different with humans.

 

Advance Your Career

I’m beginning to see a pattern. A number of the young clients that I’ve worked with are struggling to thrive in their careers.  The bloom happens during that first job right out of school.  They’re unhappy and they can’t figure out why or what to do about it.  I know exactly what’s running through their mind: they’ve worked hard, they’ve done all the right things, yet they’re still in a bad place.

 

I began to give this more thought within the last few days as I read Sheryl Sandlin’s new book, “Lean In”.  In the book, she relays the steps she took to advance her career and she candidly shares the mistakes she made along the way.

 

After some thought, here’s a couple suggestions for young (and not so young) women struggling to find happiness in their career:

 

Know who you are and what you want in your career and personal life

This might sound like common sense to you, but there are many women that have no idea what they need and want. How can you possibly begin to search for that next step unless you know what makes you happy and what you need? Don’t even waste your time looking at job openings until you’ve done the hard work. Do you know your passions and strengths?  Are you very clear on your talents in life and where you shine? One way to discover more about yourself is to get involved in activities outside your current job.  You never know where you’re going to discover (or rediscover) a talent.

 

Be able to make the hard decisions and offend people

Sheryl mentioned this in her book and I agree 100%. Women like to be seen as nice and this often becomes a big, fat roadblock in their career.  I’m not advocating stepping on others to move up the ladder, however, there will be times where you make a decision and not everyone is going to love you.  That doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision; it just means that you take pride in making the right decision over making the decision that’s popular. That’s called integrity.

 

Realize that you have the power to change your situation

I’ve wasted a lot of time in past jobs trying to rationalize my current situation.  This is a futile exercise that will only prolong your misery. You have a lot more choices than you THINK you do.  Just because you’re unhappy in your current situation doesn’t mean that you can’t create a new and improved situation. Brainstorm possibilities right where your feet are planted. Be proactive and talk to key people in your present organization that are knowledgeable about opportunities. Focus on solutions and keep an eye on your goal. And here’s the big one: let people KNOW what you want.

 

Be willing to take a step backward to move forward

This is a hard one for many women to accept. In fact, this thinking keeps women in jobs that they can’t stand.  It’s not easy to take a step back, but if you’re in a new position more aligned with your strengths, you’ll grow quickly.  Realize that career growth is not always a linear process— there’re ups and downs and stumbles. Many women reinvent themselves at different points in their careers. Just keep the momentum going.

 

Don’t stop believing that you’re capable of great things

It all comes back to this very statement. Without your unwavering belief of YOU, it won’t happen. Sure, we all waver now and then, but a core foundation of belief is necessary for you to build career success. It’s truly all about the power of positive thinking.

 

Own your power and go after what you want!

 

 

A New Approach to Exercise

Have you ever heard of TRX exercise training? If you haven’t, let me try to explain what it’s all about.  It’s suspension training that uses your own bodyweight to perform hundreds of exercises.  At times you use your arms to pull up and out, and at other times, you use your legs. Let me tell you— after one class, every muscle in your body is exhausted.  This is actually what I believe to be the point of exercise— to challenge your body and become stronger.

 

Not even halfway through the class, and I was staring at the clock, willing it to go faster. It didn’t. I was unbelievably tired and didn’t think I could continue much longer.  Ten minutes after that, I remember having a thought that was something like this, “Why am I doing this class again? I’m not having a good time”. Near the end, we did an exercise where my feet were in the straps and I was doing a plank on the floor. Exhausted beyond belief, my body feeling like jelly, I suddenly thought that the breeze I was getting in that position on the floor felt wonderful.  I shared my thought out loud and then laughed at myself.  I found it amusing that even when I was miserable, I was trying to find a way to focus on something positive to get through the experience.

 

When I was finished, all my bad feelings vanished.  I felt a rush of pride that I had made it through something so difficult and taxing. I left the gym accomplished and ready to take on my day.

 

The other night at Sassy Girlfriend Talk, we shared our feelings about making changes in our life. The discussion eventually turned to exercise and women began to share their feelings on the subject.  More than one woman confided that they couldn’t get into exercising routinely because, unlike me, it doesn’t make them feel good. On top of that, it’s exhausting.

 

This thought haunted me the rest of the night. Were they right in the thinking that I’m wired to enjoy exercise and movement more than other women?  Is it easier or more natural for me than it is for others?  Am I expecting something of them that’s unrealistic?  Then I had a memory— checking the clock in the middle of spinning class and wondering why I was doing something that was making me so miserable!

 

Exercise that pushes the limits of what your body can accomplish is not FUN! It’s just not that realistic to think you’ll enjoy every minute of what you’re doing. That’s not to say that some forms of exercise might be more appealing to you than others. Whether you find pleasure in swimming, dancing, or bike riding, you should do what is more enjoyable for you. Although I usually feel accomplished and terrific afterwards, the honest truth is that the “during part” is really hard work. Which just made me realize— everything I’ve ever accomplished in my life and every goal I’ve met also involved times in the middle of the process that were HARD WORK!

 

My suggestion to women is to stop treating exercise as a choice in your lifestyle. It’s just another piece of staying physically and emotionally healthy. It’s not always going to be a minute-by-minute good time but it’s akin to taking your pill in the morning. It’s what you need to do to be your absolute best self.

 

 

 

Getting Smart With Smartphones

Recently, I attended a lunch and learn event that had a truly dynamic speaker. Her presentation was relevant to every single woman in the room and her delivery was excellent.  Since I attend a lot of events, I feel confident that I know a great speaker when I see and hear one.  Halfway through the presentation, I glanced around the room to get a sense of the crowd. Were they enjoying the speaker as much as I was?  Were they responding to what she had to share? The truth was that a large number of them were staring at their smartphones.

 

This aggravated me on a number of levels.  One, since I’m a speaker, I know how disheartening it is to be working the crowd and see people not even trying to make eye contact with you. Frankly, I find it disrespectful. Second, what could possibly be so important that the audience members can’t wait another 15 minutes to check their phones?

 

In a recent New York Times article, Dr. Elias Aboujaoude, director of the impulse control Disorders Clinic at Stanford University, shared that excessive use of the internet, cellphone and other technologies can cause us to become more impatient, forgetful and even more narcissistic.  Uh-oh. Follow up studies have shown that the immediacy of the internet and the efficiency of a smart phone can change the core of who we are.  I don’t know about you, but this gives me some thought.

 

Other studies have indicated that when students were asked to give up their technology for the day, they exhibited symptoms similar to drug dependency.  They actually went through a withdrawal process. Does any of this really surprise you?

 

I went for a bike ride the other night with my 20-year-old son.  We were having a great time when I spotted an old friend. I stopped to have a chat with her and catch up on her life.  I don’t believe I talked for more than 10 minutes at the most.  My son was about 12 feet ahead of me, standing by the lake.  The sun was getting close to setting and the scene was just beautiful.  When I caught up with him, I thanked him for waiting for me, and he proclaimed, “I had nothing to do for that whole time.  I didn’t have my iphone in my pocket.”

 

I can’t say that I’m not an offender myself.  There is the time I was standing with my husband at the check-out counter at the grocery store and decided that I had to check my emails on my phone, again. I had just done this not 10 minutes before.  He was talking to me and I wasn’t hearing a word that he said.  Finally, he stated loudly, “Will you please put that thing away?!!”

 

Is it possible that we have become too used to having every minute filled with stimulation? Are we so easily bored that we are in need of constant excitement?  Are we capable of doing one thing at a time anymore?

 

Maybe some of you are thinking that this certainly doesn’t pertain to you.  If so, congratulations— you are on the right path to finding balance with technology use.  The rest of you (including myself) might need to reflect on this a bit.  Do you find yourself staring at your phone while you talk to your kids? Do you take your phone to bed with you? Do you get excited when you hear someone has left you a message?

 

If so, I have a challenge for you. I hereby decree Sunday, August 26 no technology day.  Can you go a full day without connecting on your computer and phone?  I plan on doing it, and I’m going to see if I can talk my son into doing the same.  So, who’s in? Write to me and let me know your experience.

 

Three Tips for Better Balance

Right this minute, I’m lying on the chaise lounge in the backyard.  The fact that I’m lying down and not moving is a good step forward.  Today, I planned my dinner menus and went grocery shopping, biked 42 miles, went to a photo shoot, walked the dog, made homemade soup for dinner, created a new program idea and did paperwork. It’s hard to believe it’s Sunday.

 

Have you ever had that feeling in the back of your throat when you know you’re getting sick? You have that tickle in the back of your throat, need to cough and every bone in your body aches?  That’s how I feel right now, and I could just kick myself. I have a crazy busy week culminating with my largest presentation yet and I’m getting sick.  How could this have happened?

 

Well, it’s not really that hard to figure out— if I’m honest with myself! Let’s see, the last week started with a full day of activities and an evening appointment. I didn’t get home until 9:00 pm. Tuesday was even busier for me. I drove to Dayton and got caught in the rain while walking all over downtown. I had an appointment, then a networking event, then drove home to walk the dog before leaving for another networking event.  Again, I didn’t get home till 9:00 pm and, as usual, didn’t have dinner.  Wednesday and Thursday I attended events and didn’t eat dinner. Friday, I got up early and ran from appointment to appointment.

 

Frankly, it was not smart of me to continue to push full steam ahead when my fuel gauge was obviously running on fumes.  I should know better than to not take good care of myself! But like many women, I pride myself on accomplishments and being able to “do it all.” In lieu of my recent realizations, here are a couple reminders.

 

You can’t do everything and be everywhere— prioritize!

You don’t have to attend every single event— it’s virtually impossible. Evaluate your commitments and prioritize their importance. How does it affect your career and how does it affect your personal obligations?  Can you compromise? One of the biggest issues women deal with is their insistence on seeing these commitments in black or white options.  The truth is that there’s a vast range of choices open to you.

 

Be attuned to your bodies needs and respond accordingly.

You need to be attentive to your bodies needs; when you’re hungry, be sure to take the time to eat.  That doesn’t mean you sneak some food standing at the refrigerator.  It means you take the time to sit down and slowly eat a good, relaxing meal. When your body is telling you that it’s exhausted and can’t push anymore, listen.  Stop working and take some time out.  There is a point you hit where you’re truly not effective anymore.

 

Take some “me-time” every single day.

Even when you’re busy, find a way to take at least 20-30 minutes of “me-time” It doesn’t involve work and it doesn’t involve commitments of any kind.  It’s just something pleasurable. Everyone needs this to recharge daily.

 

I try to practice what I preach. However, I am acknowledging that in the last couple weeks, I really got off track.  All of us do now and then. The important thing is to recognize this and make a firm commitment to YOU to get back in a healthy routine. I will if you will.