Tag: spirituality

Are you happy?  Do you wake up in the morning excited to tackle your day?  In my line of work, I come across many girlfriends that are searching for the secrets to finding happiness and success in their professional and personal life.  From where I sit, there are a couple themes that keeping popping up in the lives of women that are struggling to achieve their “sass”.

 

You are waiting for others to change your universe.

If I had a penny for every time I saw this one, I would be quite wealthy by now!  Stop waiting for someone or something else to change your life. If it’s a marriage, you need to figure out how to make YOU happy.  If it’s a job, find out what YOU can change in your career to achieve your goals. YOU are the captain of your own ship.   You are in charge of steering the ship to your desired destination. Only you have the control to change your direction.

 

You surround yourself with people that don’t bring out the BEST in you.

If there are toxic people in your life, take some action now!  It’s very possible that some of these people are family or close friends.  If so, you need to reassess what part they should be allowed to play in your life.  So how do you know if they’re bad for you?  When you’re finished spending time with these individuals, you’re exhausted and unhappy.  You feel as if the life has been sucked out of you.  Draw some lines in the sand and take care of yourself.

 

You focus on what you DON’T have instead of what you DO have in your life.

There are times in our lives when each one of us falls into this line of thinking.  However, there are some girlfriends that don’t just take a vacation here— they stay here for an eternity!  They spend their lives always thinking the grass is greener across the street.  You have absolutely nothing to gain by living your life in this manner. You know, there really is something to this gratefulness thing everyone is talking about!

 

You are so obsessed with looking back, that you miss the awesome possibilities in the present and future.

The only thing that you have to gain by looking in the past is a better understanding of where things may have “gone wrong”.  Once you have this self-awareness, you can move forward to make the changes needed to be happy and healthy in the future.  You can change the patterns and behaviors that are holding you back.  Beyond that, the past is the past.  Let go of this negative pattern and live for today.

 

You get way too comfortable in your life and refuse to move forward

Welcome to 2012! Life changes and your ability to roll with those changes are pivotal to your happiness and success. I have seen girlfriends dig in their heels and refuse to step outside their comfort zone. What’s the worst that can happen— you feel a bit uncomfortable?  If you want to be happy and successful then you need to keep challenging yourself.  Consider whether you are challenging yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally and incorporate this mentality into your life.

 

Girlfriends, don’t become a victim to one of these poisonous behaviors.  Recognize your negative pattern and get help, if needed, to make some changes in your life. You deserve so much better!

There are times when it is difficult for us to see all the possibilities that are present in our life. When we hit a downward spiral in our lives, we are often so focused on the emotions involved in this bad turn that we miss the opportunities that truly exist.  The pain that comes in the form of anger, disappointment, jealousy and fear seems to suck up all our energy and focus. So much in fact, that we often miss the great opportunity that’s right in front of our eyes.

 

I know a girlfriend that worked numerous years in her position in a large well-known corporation.  Slowly, she worked her way up to a great salary and a job she could count on, thanks to her dedication of time and energy. Through the years, there were times when she liked her job and there were many other times when she did not. She’s stayed in this position because of the safety, security and wonderful benefits that this organization has offered her.

 

Recently, she was called to a meeting where she was informed that her division in the company was being dissolved. The group of employees was told that this major change would take place very soon. Imagine the shock of this announcement!  The company also informed her and her co-workers that they would be placed in a temporary position until further notice.  At this point, she was three years away from retirement.

 

We can all imagine the emotions that this girlfriend was feeling. She put in her time and this is how she was being rewarded! Her anger is palpable every time she opens her mouth.  Although her anger is to be expected in this situation, her emotions are getting in the way of her ability to see the possibilities.

 

What possibilities, you ask? Well, at the present moment, this girlfriend feels that she has only one choice. She is focused on the fact that she’s lost her valued position and has been temporarily moved to an unknown situation. She’s stuck in swirling emotion and can’t see outside of this feeling. But here’s the reality: if she can get out of her own way, maybe she can see what opportunities she really has in this situation.

 

If she could do a little brainstorming and thinking “outside the box”, maybe she could find an even more rewarding job. Why can’t she be creative and imagine what other talents she would love to use in the same organization?  Why not do a little snooping and find out other possible positions that might be a good fit or the names of whom she should connect with?  She could be proactive: develop a well thought out proposal and convince the supervisors that she belongs in this new area. Maybe she could take a totally different tactic and decide to leave to explore her passions.  The point is that she could actually end up in a much better place than she was before! Instead, she’s wasting her time lamenting her lot in life.

 

I’m a firm believer in taking charge and making things happen. Open your eyes, look around and see all the possibilities. Don’t allow others to dictate your happiness in life.  Alexander Graham Bell had it right— “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I first heard the news while I was working out at the gym. I was 25 minutes into my workout on the elliptical when the Today Show announced that Seal and Heidi Klum were separating and headed for divorce.  As the anchors continued to discuss the separation, they read a statement from the star’s publicists stating how much love and respect they have for each other.  Heidi and Seal hoped that the separation process was as smooth as possible.  I was shocked to say the least.

 

Let me digress for a moment. We’re all aware that it’s extremely difficult to make a relationship last when you are a celebrity. However, it appeared that they were different from the others in Hollywood.  They had found the secret to long lasting love. Every picture I saw of the two of them showed a couple very much in love.  Every article I read about the two of them discussed their strong devotion to each other and their four children.  In fact, it was common knowledge that every year Heidi and Seal renewed their vows to each other.

 

The thing is, I’ve always had this vision of Seal and Heidi having the PERFECT marriage.  I bet you did as well.  Why wouldn’t I be shocked to hear that they were ending their marriage? They always looked so happy together and openly talked about their happiness on every show they appeared on. They shared their secrets to having bliss in a relationship in every magazine article. They made numerous public displays of affection. So why did they have to let me down?

 

Relationships are difficult. I don’t know anyone that would dispute that fact.  As time goes on in a relationship, both individuals need to work hard to nurture the relationship.  If one of the individuals stops trying, the relationship will falter.  I hate to say it, but there’s no such thing as perfect love.  Every relationship is fragile and needs constant watering and care by both parties in order for it to thrive. Even in Hollywood.

 

Often, we get caught up in the illusion of love.  Face it— our lives can be pretty mundane compared to celebrities. Seal and Heidi’s lives seemed downright glamorous. They appeared to have it all.  Maybe we began to buy in to their illusion, the world they wanted to paint for us.  When you look back, you begin to wonder whether Heidi and Seal were trying to convince themselves as much as us, that everything was wonderful.

 

The next time you begin to ponder why your relationship is not as great as your neighbors or your friends, think again. There is no perfect love or perfect guy. My mother use to say, “no one knows what goes on behind closed doors”.  That perfect marriage you covet is probably not as perfect as you think. Take that energy that you’re wasting on the illusion and invest it into your own relationship.  You’ll be glad you did.

 

 

My mother was known as a very wise woman.  On a regular basis, women would come to our house seeking my mother’s wisdom. I vividly recall her various friends sitting around the kitchen table, waiting for my mom to help them solve their issues and make sense of their predicament.  She somehow had a knack at understanding people and seeing through to the truth in every situation.

 

One of my mother’s favorite sayings was “don’t air your dirty laundry”.  She felt that you shouldn’t share all the bad stuff going on in your life. My mom believed that it was best in life to keep it quiet.  Now that I’m older, I question her wisdom.

 

On one hand, I agree with this principle.  People truly don’t need to know every detail of your life, nor am I sure that they are even interested. Frankly, does everyone really need to know the intimate details of your dysfunctional childhood? Being able to assess what should be shared and what needs to be kept to yourself and your most intimate friends is part of having healthy boundaries. In other words, having healthy boundaries in life means you’re able to ascertain what is too much information to share.

 

On Facebook, you see this concept played out time and time again.  I’m always shocked at the personal information that women are more than willing to share with others. Must you share with 400 of your “closest” friends the horrible details of your divorce?  Maybe it’s not such a great idea for you to divulge to 400 people the embarrassing personal problems that you’re having with your teenage daughter. Your “friends” have absolutely nothing to gain or learn by receiving this information and you have nothing positive to gain by sharing it.

 

On the other hand, there are women that make it a habit to share absolutely nothing in life that’s the least bit negative.  These are the ones that adhere to the “don’t air your dirty laundry” rule to an extreme.  They want everyone to believe that they are living the perfect life.  These women are eager to give the illusion that their careers, kids and husbands are wonderful and their life is always fabulous.  The reality is that their life is like an airbrushed picture in a magazine— at first glance it looks great, but after awhile, you get the distinct feeling that it’s way too good to be true.

 

Who hasn’t seen this on Facebook?  Women post the most wonderful accomplishments of their children and perfect pictures of their families.  They describe the wonderful places they’ve traveled and the fabulous guy that they married.  The problem with this way of life is that you can only go on for so long before your illusion comes crashing down around you. Living in denial and not dealing with your issues honestly catches up with you.

 

I believe the best approach is to take the middle of the road.  It’s healthy to be “real”, but not to the point where you have to share every intimate detail of your life.  It’s healthy to share embarrassing and upsetting pieces of your life with your closest confidantes— people that you can trust.  Friends that can help you sort through the pain and ride with you to the other side are the ones you should “air” to.  It is not healthy for your life to be an open book.  So girlfriends, find a balance.  Be real, be healthy, but be smart.

 

I met Wendy at a networking event in October.  While the two of us talked, it wasn’t long before we discussed plans to meet for lunch.  Deep in conversation, Wendy told me that her mother was involved in a weekly women’s group. She said that they referred to it as the “Angel Group”. They would meet to discuss all the struggles that go along with being a woman in today’s world.

 

Wendy was interested in starting something similar and wondered if I might want to become involved in the endeavor. As you would imagine, the idea intrigued me. What could possibly be more exciting than bringing together a group of women to talk openly about their struggle to be happy and healthy in in life?  I saw it as an opportunity for women to share and support each other as they persevere to achieve their life goals.

 

As fate would have it, I sat down with Lisa two days later.  As we discussed her upcoming opening of her new place, she shared that she was interested in bringing groups of women into the salon in the evening to share and learn.  The light bulb went off in my head and I shared our vision with Lisa— who loved the idea.  When the three of us finally met, we decided that we would keep the monthly evening fun with wine, appetizers and a loose structure. Each of our “Sassy Girlfriend Talks” would discuss a different topic.

 

The response to our event was unbelievable. The RSVP’s kept pouring in— obviously we had hit a nerve in the community.  As the women started to arrive, I began to worry.  There were very young women and there were older women.  There were married women, single women and recently divorced women. A few knew each other, but the majority did not. To be frank, I felt that they had very little in common. I hoped that I could encourage this group to let down their guard and share their feelings.

 

Sitting in a circle, I asked each woman to a take turn and talk about a life change they would make in the coming year. My fear was that I would have to direct much of the discussion and encourage the talk— which was not my vision of the evening. What if they wouldn’t connect with each other?  What if they wouldn’t let others truly see who they really were?

 

As the first woman began to talk, I realized that I was witnessing something incredible begin to unfold.  One by one, each woman exposed her fears, her hurts, and her vulnerabilities.  As each woman shared her story, the other women intensely listened and validated the feelings shared. The walls came down and the tears flowed. In the end, my job was so easy— I just had to be quiet and allow the women to bond with each other and offer support and guidance.  This was “their” group and I wanted them to own it.

 

Near the end of the evening, new friendships were formed as the women hugged and exchanged contact information. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t really matter whether the women in the room had anything in common.  They were all women and that was apparently enough.  I know that each girlfriend went home that night feeling a little sassier, a bit smarter and had become a firm believer in the power of siste

 

People often ask me what it’s like to be married for 30 years.  They want to know the secret to having a relationship that endures for that long. Let me rephrase that— they want to know what the secret is to having a relationship that not only endures the 30 years, but one where both partners are actually still happy.  Well, I’m here to give you one of the keys to relationship longevity.  But first, let me share a story that happened the other day.

 

An old friend of my husband’s was visiting Cincinnati during the holidays.  He stopped by to say hello since we hadn’t seen each other for quite some time.  We got caught up discussing family and friends and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave.  As he stood in the front of the house to say goodbye, he took a long look into the living room.  He stared in there for a moment, and then said, “I can’t believe that she let you do that to the room”.  I looked in the living room to see what he was talking about.

 

You see, my husband has transformed our living room into a music room.  He’s purchased massive speakers that I guess you could say, “stand out”.  In addition to this, he’s placed huge obvious squares on the ceiling that are supposed to improve the quality of the sound. He’s moved furniture around to increase the optimal sound for his music listening.  The living room looks vastly different than it did when I first decorated. However, it does look better than the day he rented a drywall hoist to put the huge squares on the ceiling.  When I walked in my house that day, I thought he had lost his mind.

 

My ability to not even remember that the living room looks a bit different is why we stay happily married. Here’s how my brain works— I assess the situation at hand (my husband has transformed the living room) and I question whether I should truly be upset over this.  This is what I’m thinking when confronted with this information:

 

1. Wow, that room looks ridiculous!

2. Hmmm…I see this makes him really happy.

3. How does the ridiculous room set-up impact my life?

4. Does the negative impact outweigh the pleasure it is giving him?

5. Oh well then, who cares.

 

And then, I let it go forever, and go on to something else.

 

I suppose this wouldn’t work in our relationship if he didn’t appreciate what I do for him.  If he took it for granted, it probably would change my response next time.  But that’s not the case— he’s so grateful that I allow him to enjoy his passion in life that I reap the benefits for my attitude over and over again.

 

 

The big secret to relationship happiness is picking your battles.  Let the small stuff go so you can enjoy the relationship.  Yes, I realize it’s sometimes hard to just “let it go”. It’s easier said than done.  It might help if you tried to keep this in mind:

In the long run, you probably have a whole lot more to gain than lose.

 

 

My best girlfriend had testing done last week and I was anxiously awaiting the results. You know when you have a bad feeling about a situation but you just don’t want to go there?  You see, my girlfriend is not a warrior by nature— I take care of that role. While talking to her, I was positive and supportive, but in my mind I was anything but that. I tried to remind myself that I was just being neurotic, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. My gut instincts were working overtime.  She promised me that she would call me as soon as she got the news.  She was supposed to hear Tuesday, and then by Wednesday at 11:00, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I broke down and called her again.

 

I asked her calmly, “So, have you heard from them yet?”  She replied with a yes and then paused.  Those few seconds told me everything I needed to know. And then she said those four words that I was dreading to hear, “I have breast cancer”.

 

It’s funny, I remember exactly where I was on the freeway when I heard those words, because it seemed like everything changed for me at that moment.  I really didn’t expect the news to hit me so hard— but it did.  Why would this throw me? — I’m trained as a Mental Health Therapist and I’ve dealt with all kinds of horrible, emotional situations with such calm.  I’ve even worked specifically with women struggling with Breast Cancer! I pride myself on always knowing how to handle any situation, not letting my good judgment be taken over by my emotions. Always knowing the right thing to say at the right time.  But this time, I pretty much crumbled.

 

I went totally by my instincts from that moment on.  I reminded her how much she was loved and how many friends she had in her life.  I promised her that I would help her get through every step of the process that she was about to go through. I also let her know how there were great advances in treatment in the last couple of years that were changing the face of this disease.  It surely wasn’t going to be fun, but we were going to get through it.

 

And when I finished sharing all of that, she did the most incredible thing.  She said to me, “I’m sorry that I didn’t get to call you back yesterday— I’m so excited about your great news in your business. It’s all so awesome for you.”  I was just stunned.  Here she was in the midst of her big crisis, feeling scared and sad, and she was thinking of me! This was probably the worst time of her life and she was still thinking about my good fortune and success.

 

A person can have lots of “friends” that they interact with daily, weekly, or monthly.  Those are the people that come and go throughout the different seasons of your life.  If you’re lucky, you have at least one special friend that’s there for you in the long haul.  If you’re lucky, you have one special friend that’s right there with you to celebrate every single success and truly feel your pain when life is looking pretty darn bleak.

 

In a heartbeat, I’m certain that my girlfriend would be standing by me if I just received this news— she’s that kind of friend.  I will surely do the same for her.

 

 

My son is home from college for his Winter Break. That might explain why I find many foreign pairs of shoes by the front door in the morning.  This is usually a clue that there are numerous young male guests sleeping somewhere in our house. When my husband woke up yesterday morning and went down to eat breakfast, my son and his friends were about to “call it a night”. Since he’s has been back, my sleep has been disrupted by the front door opening and closing at odd hours, and sounds of laughter and music emanating from the basement.

 

In a few days, my house will be full— my oldest son is coming home. I’m having company over for dinner and have been busy planning the menu and shopping. In addition to my work-related responsibilities, I’ve been focused on what chores I need to get accomplished around the house. Needless to say, I’ve been quite preoccupied with all this additional “stuff” going on in my house.

 

I woke up this morning with the intent to eat breakfast, work out and then knock some items off my to-do list. As I put my car in reverse, I began to think about all the things I needed to get done. Deep in thought, I wondered whether I should wrap the gifts this afternoon or go to the store and get more of my grocery shopping completed.  I was jolted out of my thinking by the sound of metal crunching metal.  For a few seconds, I couldn’t figure out what just happened.  Then it occurred to me— I totally disregarded the fact that my son’s car was in the driveway.  I backed up, not paying attention to what was behind me.

 

I sat there for a few seconds trying to wish everything away. Slowly, I got out of the car to survey the damage. At that moment, I was much more concerned that his older, smaller car had been demolished by mine. His car looked fine, other than a few scratches— I was shocked and relieved. For a couple of seconds, I had a vision of being able to get away with few repercussions.  That’s when I turned to look at my own car— no such luck. I had severely damaged the bumper.

 

It’s important for me to be honest here.  I began this story by giving you all the excuses as to why this “turn of events” occurred.  But, I realize that the excuses just exist to allow me to feel a little better.  The reality is this: I hit his car because I was trying to get things done too quickly while having too many things on my plate.  Lets be brutally honest here and throw “not being truly present“ into the mix— now you know exactly why I hit the car.

 

Does this sound familiar to any of you? We all have times in life when we’re trying to juggle too many responsibilities and aren’t really being mindful of what we’re doing. It seems to go with the territory of being a woman. In lieu of this, I’ve decided on my New Year’s resolution— I will do a better job of recognizing when I’ve hit overload and taken on too much responsibility.  I’ll try harder to be fully present at all times and slow down! Last, and most importantly, I’ll always turn around when I back out of my garage. I’m hoping you will do the same.

 

Are you a girlfriend that has perfected the art of worrying? If you have, I’m not surprised.  Most women I come across have spent a good portion of their life practicing this sport. Let me be honest— there have been points in my own life where I wasted my valuable time taking part in this activity. But is it really worth it?

 

They say that 40% of what you worry about never comes to fruition.  That means that you are spending time worrying about something that has a good chance of not ever actually taking place.  In the 60% of situations where things happened the way you feared, was it as bad as you had imagined? Did the worrying help the situation?

 

Do you worry about things that have already passed? Let’s face it, you have no control over the past, but you certainly have control over how you move forward. Worrying is exhausting and is in no way a productive activity.  It can affect your emotional and physical health in numerous ways.  If you’re like me, worrying can go round and round in a tight circle, leading to nowhere.

 

To prove to you how worrying can be a big fat waste of time, I’ve included a sample list of occasions where I’ve wasted time and energy when I didn’t have to:

 

• My younger son could not learn to tell time in second grade.  He had a mental block about this. I asked numerous experts if it pointed to a disability.

Outcome: He is in his second year at the University of Michigan and he seems to have no problem telling time.

 

• I was so worked up after one of my Master’s research tests, because I was convinced I had flunked it. After excess worrying and fretting, I wrote the Professor and shared my feelings. I was sent a full page of wisdom on what school is really about— and it’s not grades.

Outcome: The last line in the letter— “by the way, you got an A”.

 

• I remember a huge fight with my husband where I stayed up all night, worrying about our marriage. I believe it had to do with some purchase in the house but I can’t be certain now.

Outcome: We’ve been married 30 years and this was just a blip on the radar screen of importance.

 

• I had a friend that slowly began to pull away from our friendship. I spent numerous hours speculating on the friendship and whether I had done something wrong to cause this new turn of events.

Outcome: There was nothing I could do to change this situation because it was never about me!

 

• Would I get turned down from the job that I desperately wanted? I felt that life would just stop if I didn’t get an offer from this one organization. Outcome: I didn’t get the job, but something even better came along.

 

• In 9^th grade, my older son had a girlfriend that was in 12^th grade. That relationship enabled me to spend a lot of my time in a worry cycle. You can just imagine where I was going with that one!

Outcome: They broke up when she went away to school and he quickly moved on.

 

At the time, each of these incidents seemed so very important. Guess what— they seem silly to me now!  I encourage all of you to think back to some of the things you worried about in your life and make a list. Is it comical like mine? Was it really worth it or was it a big fat waste of time? As Amy’s wise mom always says, “Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but it doesn’t really take you anywhere”.

 

 

A while back, I was exploring to find out what my next adventure would be in life.  Not accustomed to having so much downtime, I researched various volunteer opportunities that might help to keep be busy. After making my list, I settled on the Dress for Success Program.  I figured that my experience in retailing coupled with my Mental Health Degree, would make me the perfect candidate to volunteer in their program.  I had the acquired skills needed to work with women that were being fitted for their first interview outfit and struggling with self-esteem and moving forward in life.

 

At the time, they didn’t need someone to work with women being dressed in their interview outfits.  However, they did suggest that they needed assistance in their consignment boutique.  I was disappointed when I found out that there were no openings to work with women. I was convinced that it was essential for me to utilize my social work skills. Despite my disappointment, I began to volunteer my time at the boutique.

 

Initially, they placed me in the bargain basement, where all the pieces of clothing were a few dollars.  The manager asked me to help clean up the basement and attempt to do some displays.  I got busy working on the displays behind the desk.  Trust me, this job was not easy. Only odds and ends were left, and that didn’t lend itself to an appealing display.  The time flew by and the next time I looked at my watch, it was time to leave.

 

When I walked in the following week, everyone was excited to see me.  They raved about the job I had done down in the basement and asked me to do some displays on the main floor.  They wanted to change the look behind the desk, and so I went to work. I studied the floor, searching for a possible theme for the display and pieces of clothing that stood out.  A brightly colored scarf became my inspiration for the display.  I worked intensely to coordinate pieces that would complete my creation. Hours flew by like minutes as I finished the display and stood back to survey my work.

 

I felt a mixture of pride, excitement and surprise as I stared at the wall. The thing is, I enjoyed the way the other volunteers and employees fawned over my display, but I really didn’t need the other’s appreciation.  What I mean is this: I KNEW it was really good! Their compliments were just icing on the cake for me. Me feeling good about me was what I really needed.

 

 

When I walked out that day, I remember looking up at the bright sun and thinking about how great I felt. This experience had taught me something valuable. I realized I was creative, talented and passionate about merchandising.  I had not used these skills since my days in retail operations. The time flew by for me because I loved what I was doing. It was a reminder that I had a number of skills I was not utilizing— I just needed to rediscover them. This revelation couldn’t have come at a better time.

 

It’s a given that I did a good deed by donating my time to a worthy program. That said, what did volunteering give to me? It gave me the opportunity to expand my skill base and learn more about myself.  It pushed me outside my comfort zone and stretched me to use my talents. It was a great confidence booster!

 

So girlfriend, I encourage you to volunteer.  Find something you are passionate about and go for it. I promise, not only can you touch someone else’s life but you can also do wonders for y