Many years ago, I was paired with a woman to work on a project on a volunteer board. We split up the project responsibilities and agreed to speak again in 5 days to review our progress. Within those 5 days, she would send me the completed piece via email so I could review her share before our conversation.

 

5 days passed with no email in sight. I emailed her on the 5th day to inquire when I would receive her part of the project but heard nothing. On the 6th day, I called on our agreed upon time. She shared that she hadn’t completed it. There was no explanation. In fact, she was a bit indignant that I was reaching out to inquire at all.

 

I had a strong emotional reaction to this situation. I felt let down and disappointed in my partner and began to form some strong judgments about this woman.

 

After analyzing the situation, I realized that I reacted strongly because one of the most important values to me is “taking accountability”. I believe that when someone says that they are going to finish a task, it’s imperative that they follow through. In addition, if they haven’t followed through on this task, then they need to take accountability for their actions-or lack thereof.

 

My point to sharing this story is to help you understand how quickly I made judgments and categorized someone because of my own values and expectations. Yes, taking accountability is important, especially to a leader. However, my strong reaction got in the way of handling the situation appropriately. I don’t have to accept this lack of follow through, but I certainly have to change my reaction so I can deal with someone fairly.

 

If only I had asked some pointed questions, instead of making judgments, there would have been more understanding between the two of us.

 

Realizing that everyone has different values that drive their behavior is an important lesson to learn. A prime example of this can be seen daily by scrolling through your social media. I’m sure you have noticed that some individuals feel obligated to post political articles so that they can share their views. It appears that they are driven to help others understand why their perspective is the “right one”. They are so certain about this, that their posts can end up being attacking and sometimes cruel. Of course, you invariably see others responding, not always in the most appropriate way.

 

If you could take a step back, you might realize that beneath that polarizing post and emotion is a value that’s very important to them. It’s so important to them that they are struggling to understand why you would see it any differently. On your part, you are probably making some very strong judgements about the individual and some sweeping generalizations.

 

That’s why having a real conversation is so important. With communication, comes understanding. With understanding might come a shift in perspective. But none of this is going to happen if you don’t truly try to understand what is beneath their behavior.

 

And I’m pretty sure that clarifying someone’s values, that then leads to understanding, definitely is not going to happen on a Social Media political post.

 

All I am suggesting is that you try look at things from a different perspective. When you are triggered, recognize the value that is not being honored. Learn from this and don’t judge others so harshly in the process.

 

 

Mastering Difficult People

What I’m about to say may really surprise you. I once worked with someone that totally drove me crazy. I actually had to mentally prepare myself to see her face and have a conversation with her. Yes, it was that painful. And after I spent a few minutes with her, I was exhausted like I had just run a marathon.

 

This strong reaction just mystified me. Why did this woman drive me crazy? Why did I feel the emotion just well up inside me when I was in her presence?  Many years passed before I totally understood WHY I reacted so strongly in our interactions.

 

Have you ever found someone in your office annoying? I’m talking about someone that just seems to bring out the worst in you. Does it make you feel out of control? Maybe if you understood why you were having such a strong reaction, it might help you deal with the situation in a more effective manner.

 

You can have a strong emotional response to someone that triggers one of your life values. In fact, after much analysis, I realize that’s what was evoking such an intense reaction in me. You see, my co-worker was far from an authentic individual. She put on airs and pretended to be someone that she definitely was not. Her inability to allow others to see her true self, just totally turned me off. One of my strongest values is authenticity. I strongly believe that people should be true to self and others. Someone that tries so hard to be something they are not, triggers me. At the time, I didn’t recognize this in our interaction. If I had, it would have made it easier for me to deal with her behavior. Instead of just emotionally responding to her actions, I could have consciously worked to understand her behavior.

 

You can have a strong emotional response to someone that displays behavior that you subconsciously feel represents you.For example, you are constantly triggered by a woman that works in your office. She’s a really nice person but you can’t stand to interact with her. You look for reasons that the two of you don’t have to socialize or work together.

 

The truth is that you have struggled with being able to advocate for yourself since the beginning of your career. In meetings, you have difficulty finding your voice and speaking your mind. You would have moved up in your career by now if you could overcome this deficit.

 

When you interact with that co-worker, it’s like looking in a mirror. You are reminded of all the ways that you don’t measure up. Of course, you don’t realize that this is happening. All you realize is that you can’t stand to spend time with her and you feel irritated in her presence.

 

You can be triggered by a co-worker that reminds you of someone in the past. Actually, this one has happened to me before. Apparently, I reminded a past co-worker of a sister. I had this epiphany while we were in the middle of a meeting. As she hurled accusations at me, I realized that she sounded like she was talking to a sister. I interrupted her accusations to calmly ask her if I reminded her of a sister or someone. Her face turned white and I had my answer.

 

If you are presently dealing with someone that gets under your skin, the trick is to look inward. Once you understand WHY you are having this reaction, it will make you feel much more in control to handle the situation.

Finding Your Courage

cat-and-lion-imageLast week I was in LA, celebrating Thanksgiving with my family. One of my favorite experiences with my husband and son was going on a great hike at Griffith Park. The weather was absolutely perfect and definitely beat Cincinnati weather.

As we started on the trail, I mentioned to my son that I think he misunderstood what I had in mind for the hike. You see, when we began, it was mostly smooth and flat. He reassured me that this was just the beginning and I would definitely get to have some real rigorous hiking time.

 

As we continued, I began to work a little harder getting up the hills. Up and down we went, as I felt my heart pounding hard to keep up with them. He had been right because I was definitely pushing myself. We didn’t have a time restriction so we just climbed wherever we wanted and marveled at the great views overlooking the city.

 

As we turned the corner, my son saw a trail that he thought we should try. I noticed that no one else was on this small trail. I brought up the rear and as I got further into the trek, I realized that this was quite the rigorous path. There I was, rock climbing and using my hands and feet to hold on to the dirt. I continued to climb, wondering if we should truly be doing this. As I grabbed the dirt to hold on, I looked up to see how much further I had to go. It was ironic to go from feeling like I wasn’t going to be challenged to the point where I was hoping for this experience to be over. My son yelled at the top and I saw people standing up there on the wide cement path overlooking my climb. When I got to the top, I saw that our trail was blocked off and had a caution sign. I had to climb over all of this to get out of the trail. A number of people were staring at me as I jumped over the roped off area and turned around to read the sign.

 

Caution: Rattlesnakes in This Area— Keep Out.

 

No wonder they were staring at me. They were shocked that I was so brave to risk that climb up. They thought that I had great courage to attempt that feat— despite the warning.

 

Do you really think I would have climbed that trail if I knew the truth? I thought back to putting each hand in the dirt and rocks and taking my time up that hill. I was pretty freaked out.

 

Now back to that COURAGE thing. I didn’t know that I was risking something when I started up that trail. So that doesn’t count for HAVING COURAGE.

No, courage happens when you know all the possible risks before you start, you understand what you have to lose, and you have the guts to do it anyway.

 

You risk losing something that is valuable to you but you do it anyway. You do it because you know it’s the right thing to do. You get way out of your comfort zone and take a risk— despite all the warning signs.

 

Courage is an important trait to possess as a leader. The ability to look in the mirror and see your self clearly, warts and all, takes courage. The ability to deliver devastating news to someone, takes courage. The ability to listen to your gut when everyone disagrees with you, takes a whole lot of courage.

 

The ability to make a decision that comes with big risks, definitely takes COURAGE.

 

Give a thought to the last 6 months. Did you make decisions that were safe because you didn’t want to rock the boat? Did you put off that difficult conversation because it’s just easier that way? Did you stay where you are because you know what to expect there? Did you agree with everyone instead of saying what you truly feel is right?

 

Are you a courageous leader? The time to start becoming one is NOW.

 

 

 

Keeping the Faith

can-you-give-someone-a-helping-hand-429094631On my way home from grocery shopping, I received a desperate text that we were in dire need of kitty litter. I pulled into the pet store and finally located the overpriced brand that my cats seem to prefer. When I grabbed the huge 30 lb. bag, I noticed that the price was at least 7 dollars more than I usually pay. I took it up to the counter and kindly asked if they could match the price. The sales clerk smiled and said they would call another store and check the current price.

 

This whole fiasco took at least 15 minutes. She helped other customers and continued to wait on hold with the other store. I figured that she was losing her patience. However, she showed no sign of anger about the situation and eventually sold it to me for 7 dollars less, with a smile on her face.

 

I thought to myself— she didn’t have to do that.

 

I lugged the huge 30 lb. bag out to my car. I was struggling to hold on and open the door when a man came out of nowhere. He grabbed the bag from me and asked me where I wanted it. Somehow he showed up exactly when I needed a helping hand.

 

I thought to myself— he didn’t have to do that.

 

When I got home, I went outside to rake some of the leaves blanketing my front yard. Believe me, it was so overwhelming. My neighbor was out there too. I worked for a while, raking together a huge pile that was going to take me forever to bag up. I went in to eat lunch and heard the doorbell ring. Standing there was the little boy next door with a smile on his face. He wanted to help me rake the leaves. We had fun working together and he made the time go so much faster.

 

I thought to myself— he didn’t have to do that.

 

All of us can agree that this election season has been downright ugly. Everywhere you go, that ugliness hangs in the air. I see it on Social Media, in stores, work and home. People are angry, desperate and some are feeling out of control. That anger and heaviness follows us throughout the day. It’s a burden that we carry into every conversation and every relationship— even at work. We might not bring up the topic but the ugliness and heaviness is still there.

 

It becomes “Us vs. Them”. How could she feel that way? How could he be so WRONG? How could people be so cruel and out of touch? And then we start generalizing and placing people into neat little categories. The thinking is black and white and you are either good or bad.

 

But here’s the truth about people. Those good Samaritans that helped me today don’t necessarily agree with me on politics. Yet, they were kind, helpful and went out of their way to support me. They went above and beyond and expected nothing in return.

 

 

People are complicated. Other’s views and perspectives can be difficult to understand especially from OUR PERSPECTIVE.

 

So don’t lose faith during this time. Take a deep breath and try to give other people space for their own beliefs. We have much more in common than we realize.

 

Most people are good.

 

 

Thorny Issues

image-rosesI planted three rosebushes in our front yard a couple years ago. They are right in front of the windows and have a direct view from the street. When they were first planted, I watered them daily and made sure to fertilize them so the bugs wouldn’t eat them. Last year, I got pretty lax and began to let things go. Cut to this year, where I didn’t pay much attention to the three rosebushes. However, I did notice that two were looking quite beautiful and were producing vibrant flowers.

 

You see, I assumed that the other one would just catch up to the beautiful one. I really didn’t spend much time thinking or worrying about it. I also didn’t spend any time watering, fertilizing or feeding them. It just seemed like too much work.

 

I just ignored it.

 

Three days ago, I was coming into the house from walking the dog. For the first time, I took a really good look at my rosebushes. The one in the middle was completely dead. There were no flowers and no leaves. It was completely, unequivocally, absolutely dead.

 

I went in the house shocked and thought about how that could have happened. Why didn’t I notice that there was an urgent problem with the bush? Couldn’t I see along the way that there was a problem? Why didn’t I water, feed and fertilize it while it still had a chance?

 

Sound familiar? You’ve probably seen this unfold in your own life at some point or another. Maybe you have a problem dealing with an employee at work or someone in your personal life and you see little signs of an issue here and there. You let things slide day after day because you don’t really want to deal with it. To be honest, you have better things to occupy your time and you believe that it’s not a priority. So you put it off and go on to the next task.

 

You do this because dealing with relationships can be uncomfortable. Having these types of conversations can be difficult. So you just ignore it and hope it will get better.

 

But guess what happens instead? Left unattended, the situation grows, expands and festers until the little issue becomes a full-blown serious problem. When you finally take a really close look, you see the reality. You wonder how you let it get to that point in the same way that I wondered how my rosebush went from growing and healthy to totally dead. It just felt like it happened overnight.

 

 

This is a hard lesson for you to learn. It takes energy and discipline to solve the little problems that crop up daily. Solving the problem might involve having an uncomfortable discussion with someone and that’s not a pleasurable experience. But hoping that it will go away just doesn’t work.

 

So you need to make a CHANGE in the way that you view the world. You need to recognize the tension or the uncomfortable feeling,when you have a situation that is just a bit off kilter. Deal with it NOW and don’t let yourself look the other way. Force yourself to confront the situation, no matter how small it is. You need to do this because before you know it, that small problem can grow and infect your whole family or organization.

 

Make the commitment to water, feed and fertilize your relationships daily.

Change Your Mindset

 

image head mindset

The noise from the exercise room at the gym caught my attention. Curious, I peered in to see what was going on. Someone in the group yelled to me and suggested that I join them for the new class that was about to start. I had never taken part in this new exercise and felt a little hesitant.

To be perfectly honest, my first thought was that I didn’t know what to expect. It just wasn’t what I had planned to do that morning. But then I thought about the opportunity of trying something new, and I got excited. I told myself that I’m sure that I could survive this experience, even if I didn’t know what I was doing and I just might learn something new.

 

Looking back, it was crazy to have any reservations. But let’s be real here, you probably do this as well. Dependent upon your beliefs, you might be willing to try and learn new things or you might feel comfortable staying within your zone where you can be sure to excel.

 

According to a theory created by Carol Dweck, a world renowned Psychologist at Stanford University, individuals possess fixed or growth mindsets. She has studied achievement and success for decades and has uncovered two different belief systems that exist within the population.

 

People with a fixed-mindset believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence and talent, is fixed and won’t change over their lifetime. They believe talent alone is what leads to success. According to the book “Mindset”, by Carole Dweck, people with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can be developed throughout their life with perseverance and hard work. Their talent and skills are just the starting point, not the end point.

 

What happens when you possess a fixed mindset and you fail? You are definitely not encouraged to try again because apparently, you are not working within your talents. On the other hand, what happens if you possess a growth mindset and you fail? You figure that you might need to do things a little differently, make some changes and try again. A growth mindset leads to individuals that are more resilient, willing to learn new things and more comfortable getting outside their comfort zone.

 

In the last two weeks, I had two client situations that best represent the need for possessing a growth-mindset in the workplace. In one situation, a team member commented to a leader that they don’t learn by training and coaching. In another situation, a team member shared with the leader that they abhor all training.

 

I suspect that both of these situations had more to do with individuals adhering to a fixed-mindset belief and feeling uncomfortable learning outside their rigid rules of success. If the learning involves an area where they currently don’t excel, they don’t want to take part.

 

They could fail.

 

I encourage companies to promote the growth-mindset and create a culture where learning and development is at the company’s core. That means sometimes, you will be asked to dabble outside your area of expertise and become comfortable with the process and the outcome. This is regardless of whether it’s a raving success or a complete flop.

 

That’s the true definition of success.

 

 

The Bug Man

image listeningI was working in my upstairs office and trying to get through my morning email. Suddenly, I heard my doorbell ring. Who could be at my front door at 3:00 in the afternoon? I was sure it had to be someone selling something. I walked out in the hall and looked down the stairs. I considered going back in my office and hiding but ultimately decided that was probably a childish move.

 

With a deep sigh, I ran downstairs to get the door, hoping that this interruption would not take too much time. I had so much to do.

 

Yes, I was right, it was a guy trying to market his services. I smiled and said hello and asked what I could do for him. As he spoke, my mind wandered, waiting for him to get to the point of why he was standing there. He seemed nice enough, but I had things to do and didn’t have much time. He began to tell me about his exterminating company and dropped the names of a couple neighbors. I listened and interrupted him to say that he was talking to the wrong person. Yes, we have an extermination service but I don’t make decisions about it and I really don’t want to change that. I had absolutely no interest in getting involved in this arena. Between you and me, I’d like to pretend this service isn’t even warranted in my house.

 

I stood there as he went on and on. He went into a detailed story about how his service works, what he specifically does around each crevice of the house and the different kinds of insects that he treats. This whole explanation dragged on for what seemed like forever.

 

Now, if he would have looked up at my face, he could have seen that I was not interested in the least. His detailed description of his process was not going to sway me into being any more interested. In fact, he was pushing me the other way.

 

The reason I am telling you this story is because I believe we have something to learn from it. Maybe you’re in sales and you spend your day trying to sell a product or service. Maybe you’re a leader in your organization and you spend your days trying to sell your employees on why they should do what you want them to do. I don’t care who you are or what position you’re in, you still would benefit from learning a lesson from the Bug Man.

 

The point is that he continued to go on and on when I clearly had no interest. The more I said I wasn’t interested, the more he seemed to be aggressive in trying to communicate information. And therein lies the problem.

 

He believed that the more information that he shared, the more I would be convinced. More communication was not going to sway my decision. He doesn’t realize that instead of talking, he should be listening. He should be asking me questions. He should be trying to find out WHO is interested in bugs at my house. He should be focused on developing a relationship with me— bombarding me with as much information as possible doesn’t do that. He should be selling me on him— the Bug Man.

 

Often in our excitement, we think more words will command the attention of others propecia online canada. Selling a product, service or idea is more about listening than it is about talking. Yes, you need to do some talking, but the talking should be strategic and thoughtful.

 

Every day you go out into the world, hoping to win people over to your side. Here’s a little tip: talk less and listen more. I guarantee that it will pay off for you in the end.

Understanding Others

image understandingI overheard two business owners having a conversation the other day. Since they were talking about CHANGE, my ears perked up. The one was sharing that he needed to make a behavior change within his team of employees but was confused as to how he should solve the problem. He explained the negative behavior to the other owner and laid out his frustrations in detail.

 

The other CEO’s face lit up with the solution. He shared that all you had to do was show your employees the “numbers”. His thought was that if you help them see through graphs and figures WHY they should change, then it will happen.

 

As you can imagine, I found this exchange fascinating. These two individuals were bright, successful people that ran profitable companies. They were strategic, intelligent, hard workers. However, they didn’t understand the first thing about making behavior change in the workplace— or anywhere, for that matter.

 

Let me backtrack a bit to explain further. Nicolas Epley, author of the book Mindwise, says the main problem is that we think we understand the minds of others, and even our own mind, better than we do. Maybe this business owner truly believes in his mind that he, personally, would be swayed to change behavior by just seeing the facts that prove the point. He then assumes that if he feels that way, everyone else feels that way as well.

 

However, I beg to differ. I know he thinks that he would be swayed to change if presented with facts, but I’m not sure he has a good read on his own feelings and behavior. I doubt very much that sharing any information is going to solve the problem. This change that the business owner wants to make is entrenched in habits, and reinforced in the company culture. It’s going to take a heck of a lot more than a graph on a Powerpoint to encourage his employees to make this behavior change.

 

And that’s the real issue here. Leadership believes that if they just keep sharing the facts over and over, employees will hop on board and easily make the change. They assume that since it makes perfect sense to them, in their own minds, it will make perfect sense to everyone else as well.

 

The first thing that you need to realize is that sometimes, we aren’t even aware WHY we do the things that we do. Our decisions and actions are tied up in our own values, assumptions and past experiences. At times, these can get quite complicated. Believing that just sharing facts on a Powerpoint will convince others to implement change is simplistic at best.

 

The second point to remember goes back to Nicolas Epley’s statement. Often, we can’t read other people’s mind half as well as we think we can. We make assumptions about how individuals are feeling and thinking that are often quite wrong. We then move on to strategic plans based on this information. This makes the whole process of implementing any CHANGE that much harder.

 

I ask you to come to terms with this one thought if you are embarking on any sort of CHANGE initiative in the workplace or beyond:

 

Don’t assume others think, feel and are motivated in the same manner as you. Work hard to get outside your own feelings, assumptions and judgments.

Understanding Others

image understandingI overheard two business owners having a conversation the other day. Since they were talking about CHANGE, my ears perked up. The one was sharing that he needed to make a behavior change within his team of employees but was confused as to how he should solve the problem. He explained the negative behavior to the other owner and laid out his frustrations in detail.

 

The other CEO’s face lit up with the solution. He shared that all you had to do was show your employees the “numbers”. His thought was that if you help them see through graphs and figures WHY they should change, then it will happen.

 

As you can imagine, I found this exchange fascinating. These two individuals were bright, successful people that ran profitable companies. They were strategic, intelligent, hard workers. However, they didn’t understand the first thing about making behavior change in the workplace— or anywhere, for that matter.

 

Let me backtrack a bit to explain further. Nicolas Epley, author of the book Mindwise, says the main problem is that we think we understand the minds of others, and even our own mind, better than we do. Maybe this business owner truly believes in his mind that he, personally, would be swayed to change behavior by just seeing the facts that prove the point. He then assumes that if he feels that way, everyone else feels that way as well.

 

However, I beg to differ. I know he thinks that he would be swayed to change if presented with facts, but I’m not sure he has a good read on his own feelings and behavior. I doubt very much that sharing any information is going to solve the problem. This change that the business owner wants to make is entrenched in habits, and reinforced in the company culture. It’s going to take a heck of a lot more than a graph on a Powerpoint to encourage his employees to make this behavior change.

 

And that’s the real issue here. Leadership believes that if they just keep sharing the facts over and over, employees will hop on board and easily make the change. They assume that since it makes perfect sense to them, in their own minds, it will make perfect sense to everyone else as well.

 

The first thing that you need to realize is that sometimes, we aren’t even aware WHY we do the things that we do. Our decisions and actions are tied up in our own values, assumptions and past experiences. At times, these can get quite complicated. Believing that just sharing facts on a Powerpoint will convince others to implement change is simplistic at best.

 

The second point to remember goes back to Nicolas Epley’s statement. Often, we can’t read other people’s mind half as well as we think we can. We make assumptions about how individuals are feeling and thinking that are often quite wrong. We then move on to strategic plans based on this information. This makes the whole process of implementing any CHANGE that much harder.

 

I ask you to come to terms with this one thought if you are embarking on any sort of CHANGE initiative in the workplace or beyond:

 

Don’t assume others think, feel and are motivated in the same manner as you. Work hard to get outside your own feelings, assumptions and judgments.

Unfinished Business

image headI recently attended a fundraising event where I didn’t know a number of people. When it was time to sit down for lunch, I worked my way over to a table of all new faces. I introduced myself to the person on my left and then turned to my right. With a smile on my face, I told my tablemate my name and began to make conversation.

 

The next thing out of my mouth was the following:

“So what do you do?” With a stern look on her face, and a negative tone to her comment, she replied, “I work really hard”.

 

I like to think of myself as fairly perceptive when it comes to people and the communication process. However, this time, I was confused. In the next few seconds I attempted to figure out what was going on in the interaction. My tablemate seemed irritated and I knew that I hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary. I searched my memory to see if I was supposed to recognize this woman and I had disappointed her. I came up with nothing. I needed to figure out why she was reacting to me in such a negative manner.

 

My next move was to agree with her. “I’m sure you do work hard.” Then, it occurred to me that maybe she took offense to the question, “what do you do”. So then I asked her in a light way what she works hard DOING. She began to share how she works at home with her teenage children. After we got over that hump, she began to loosen up. She shared a little about her life and we proceeded to get along just fine.

 

Apparently, her decision to work from home was colored with much emotion. Of course, I had no idea that I was walking into such a landmine. I had just met her! However, I’m imagining that in her mind, I had a lot of nerve to ask her what she does. In her mind, she feels that people are looking down on her because she isn’t working. In her mind, she’s angry that I had the audacity to ask her that question and act like she doesn’t work hard.

 

In her mind, she thinks I’m judging her.

 

Of course you know that’s not the truth. I was innocently trying to make conversation with a tablemate. However, from where she sat, the judging seemed very real.

 

There have been times that I’ve misinterpreted other’s actions and words because of what I was grappling with in my own head. My negative thoughts misconstrued the actual message that the other person was trying to convey to me. I’m also pretty positive that the same thing has happened to you on more than one occasion. You have had mistakes in thinking fueled by some “unfinished business”. I’m referring to that “stuff” that triggers you to react and respond inaccurately to the sent message. That stuff triggers you to not only misinterpret the message, but also can negatively impact the outcome of the situation. Your behavior at these moments can squelch opportunities for your future.

That unfinished business will continue to haunt you until it gets addressed and dealt with head on.

 

So, do yourself a favor and deal with what’s clogging up your brain so you can be more effective in your personal and professional life!