Many years ago, I was paired with a woman to work on a project on a volunteer board. We split up the project responsibilities and agreed to speak again in 5 days to review our progress. Within those 5 days, she would send me the completed piece via email so I could review her share before our conversation.

 

5 days passed with no email in sight. I emailed her on the 5th day to inquire when I would receive her part of the project but heard nothing. On the 6th day, I called on our agreed upon time. She shared that she hadn’t completed it. There was no explanation. In fact, she was a bit indignant that I was reaching out to inquire at all.

 

I had a strong emotional reaction to this situation. I felt let down and disappointed in my partner and began to form some strong judgments about this woman.

 

After analyzing the situation, I realized that I reacted strongly because one of the most important values to me is “taking accountability”. I believe that when someone says that they are going to finish a task, it’s imperative that they follow through. In addition, if they haven’t followed through on this task, then they need to take accountability for their actions-or lack thereof.

 

My point to sharing this story is to help you understand how quickly I made judgments and categorized someone because of my own values and expectations. Yes, taking accountability is important, especially to a leader. However, my strong reaction got in the way of handling the situation appropriately. I don’t have to accept this lack of follow through, but I certainly have to change my reaction so I can deal with someone fairly.

 

If only I had asked some pointed questions, instead of making judgments, there would have been more understanding between the two of us.

 

Realizing that everyone has different values that drive their behavior is an important lesson to learn. A prime example of this can be seen daily by scrolling through your social media. I’m sure you have noticed that some individuals feel obligated to post political articles so that they can share their views. It appears that they are driven to help others understand why their perspective is the “right one”. They are so certain about this, that their posts can end up being attacking and sometimes cruel. Of course, you invariably see others responding, not always in the most appropriate way.

 

If you could take a step back, you might realize that beneath that polarizing post and emotion is a value that’s very important to them. It’s so important to them that they are struggling to understand why you would see it any differently. On your part, you are probably making some very strong judgements about the individual and some sweeping generalizations.

 

That’s why having a real conversation is so important. With communication, comes understanding. With understanding might come a shift in perspective. But none of this is going to happen if you don’t truly try to understand what is beneath their behavior.

 

And I’m pretty sure that clarifying someone’s values, that then leads to understanding, definitely is not going to happen on a Social Media political post.

 

All I am suggesting is that you try look at things from a different perspective. When you are triggered, recognize the value that is not being honored. Learn from this and don’t judge others so harshly in the process.

 

 

Quick Judgements

I was attending a wedding out of town and my husband decided he needed to pick up a few things at the mall. I had nothing pressing to shop for so I was just along for the ride. After he picked up a couple pairs of pants, we made our way to the second floor to use the restroom.

 

While walking to the second floor, he suggested I go in the store near where I was waiting for him. Well, why not, I thought. I peered into the women’s store to check out what they had to offer. My first thought was, the clothes definitely don’t look like me. I took a quick look at the salespeople and saw that they definitely didn’t look like my type. This wasn’t a store that would have anything that I want and I wasn’t sure that I would feel comfortable in there.

 

Now, all those thoughts that I just mentioned happened in seconds. I wasn’t really conscious of any of this thinking. However, I looked again into the store and on the far wall, I saw a dress. Regardless of my earlier thoughts, I walked through the store and over to the far wall. There, I stared at the dress and admired the details. It looked well made and would be perfect for a wedding. I had seen similar dresses at all the top stores. I reached for the price tag and stared a while, trying to comprehend what it said.

 

The tag said $9.99. It wasn’t marked down but was the original price. I am not joking.

 

I grabbed the dress quickly and ran into the dressing room. It fit perfectly and I loved it. I went back and picked up the same dress in another color— when are you ever going to get two dresses for 20.00?

 

So why am I sharing this story about the dress? Well, let’s go back to my thoughts at the beginning of the story. I wasn’t going to walk in the store originally because I had decided that the store was not for me. I had an unconscious bias against the place since the “feel” and the employees didn’t look like me. My brain quickly processed, categorized, and assessed that I didn’t fit into this environment.

 

However, the important nugget in this story is the fact that I was able to override this assumption and walk in the store anyway. As you have already learned, I reaped the benefit from listening to this internal chatter and making a conscious decision that my thinking had no merit.

 

Each one of us is guilty of implicit bias in our day-to-day interactions. Our brains are wired to process information quickly and make rapid speed decisions. Our ancestors were blessed with this ability so they could survive and adapt to dangerous situations. However, this ability often holds us back from living our best life and treating others fairly. Consciously, we might not agree with these stereotypes, but our primitive brain is ruling our actions.

 

So think about your actions in your personal and professional life. Are there situations where you have let your primitive brain make the decision for you?

 

You might lose out on more than just a 10.00 dress.

Quick Judgements

I was attending a wedding out of town and my husband decided he needed to pick up a few things at the mall. I had nothing pressing to shop for so I was just along for the ride. After he picked up a couple pairs of pants, we made our way to the second floor to use the restroom.

 

While walking to the second floor, he suggested I go in the store near where I was waiting for him. Well, why not, I thought. I peered into the women’s store to check out what they had to offer. My first thought was, the clothes definitely don’t look like me. I took a quick look at the salespeople and saw that they definitely didn’t look like my type. This wasn’t a store that would have anything that I want and I wasn’t sure that I would feel comfortable in there.

 

Now, all those thoughts that I just mentioned happened in seconds. I wasn’t really conscious of any of this thinking. However, I looked again into the store and on the far wall, I saw a dress. Regardless of my earlier thoughts, I walked through the store and over to the far wall. There, I stared at the dress and admired the details. It looked well made and would be perfect for a wedding. I had seen similar dresses at all the top stores. I reached for the price tag and stared a while, trying to comprehend what it said.

 

The tag said $9.99. It wasn’t marked down but was the original price. I am not joking.

 

I grabbed the dress quickly and ran into the dressing room. It fit perfectly and I loved it. I went back and picked up the same dress in another color— when are you ever going to get two dresses for 20.00?

 

So why am I sharing this story about the dress? Well, let’s go back to my thoughts at the beginning of the story. I wasn’t going to walk in the store originally because I had decided that the store was not for me. I had an unconscious bias against the place since the “feel” and the employees didn’t look like me. My brain quickly processed, categorized, and assessed that I didn’t fit into this environment.

 

However, the important nugget in this story is the fact that I was able to override this assumption and walk in the store anyway. As you have already learned, I reaped the benefit from listening to this internal chatter and making a conscious decision that my thinking had no merit.

 

Each one of us is guilty of implicit bias in our day-to-day interactions. Our brains are wired to process information quickly and make rapid speed decisions. Our ancestors were blessed with this ability so they could survive and adapt to dangerous situations. However, this ability often holds us back from living our best life and treating others fairly. Consciously, we might not agree with these stereotypes, but our primitive brain is ruling our actions.

 

So think about your actions in your personal and professional life. Are there situations where you have let your primitive brain make the decision for you?

 

You might lose out on more than just a 10.00 dress.