The Need to Please

Halfway through our 55-mile bike trip, my husband and I had stopped at a great café to eat lunch.  I was looking forward to resting my body and to getting rejuvenated for the long trip back. I was also thirsty and out-of-my-mind hungry. Incidentally, when I reach this point of hunger, it doesn’t matter where or what I eat; I just need food.  As we walked inside and saw tables available, the hostess informed us that it would be 15 minutes before we could get seated. That was my first clue that things wouldn’t go smoothly.

 

I immediately suggested that we go somewhere else. At that moment, I would have been more than happy to eat Subway in the grass. My husband reminded me that it wouldn’t be that long, and we could wait. Although we were seated after 15 minutes, we waited forever for the waitress to come to our table and take our order.  Receiving our drinks took another long wait, and we were finally presented with tiny juice glasses. When you’re thirsty, this doesn’t serve you well.

 

The waitress didn’t acknowledge us for the next 45 minutes. Yes, that’s how long it took for us to receive our food. Not once did she give me any kind of sign that she understood my frustration. You can just imagine the level of my patience during this time.  When we did receive our food, she didn’t bring my complete order.  I hadn’t even noticed because, by that time, I was beyond hungry and delirious.  I cleaned my plate within three minutes of it being set in front of me.

 

Looking back on the situation, I have a couple hard questions to ask myself. Why didn’t I articulate my concerns to the waitress during and after the experience?  Why didn’t I speak up and remedy the situation?  Where was my voice in this whole debacle?

 

I was working with a couple just a few years ago. The emotional woman shared that she was upset at her husband. When I inquired why, she stated how he never takes out the trash and that he expects her to do it. I asked her if she ever ASKS him to take out the trash. She replied with this statement, “He should know without me telling him.”  When I asked the husband what he thought of this, he replied that he was sorry for upsetting her, but that he didn’t realize she wanted him to take out the trash.

 

I don’t want to point fingers at anyone, but women are notorious pleasers in life. Many of you were taught at a young age that it’s a good thing to just go with the flow, not make waves, and do what makes everyone happy.  Somewhere back in your childhood, you probably received the inferred message that being a nice girl is a very positive attribute for a woman to possess. Let’s be honest— each one of you has some form of this toxic behavior that will negatively impact your personal and professional life.

 

I consider myself an assertive woman with sass— I’ve definitely found my voice.  However, even I fall back into old patterns ingrained in my childhood.  When I hold back because I hesitate to hurt other people’s feelings and upset them, this strategy ends up making me miserable and always has a poor outcome.

 

Keep in mind that there are a huge range of responses between rolling over and playing dead and being incredibly selfish and cruel.  Find a place somewhere in the middle to call your own.

Advance Your Career

I’m beginning to see a pattern. A number of the young clients that I’ve worked with are struggling to thrive in their careers.  The bloom happens during that first job right out of school.  They’re unhappy and they can’t figure out why or what to do about it.  I know exactly what’s running through their mind: they’ve worked hard, they’ve done all the right things, yet they’re still in a bad place.

 

I began to give this more thought within the last few days as I read Sheryl Sandlin’s new book, “Lean In”.  In the book, she relays the steps she took to advance her career and she candidly shares the mistakes she made along the way.

 

After some thought, here’s a couple suggestions for young (and not so young) women struggling to find happiness in their career:

 

Know who you are and what you want in your career and personal life

This might sound like common sense to you, but there are many women that have no idea what they need and want. How can you possibly begin to search for that next step unless you know what makes you happy and what you need? Don’t even waste your time looking at job openings until you’ve done the hard work. Do you know your passions and strengths?  Are you very clear on your talents in life and where you shine? One way to discover more about yourself is to get involved in activities outside your current job.  You never know where you’re going to discover (or rediscover) a talent.

 

Be able to make the hard decisions and offend people

Sheryl mentioned this in her book and I agree 100%. Women like to be seen as nice and this often becomes a big, fat roadblock in their career.  I’m not advocating stepping on others to move up the ladder, however, there will be times where you make a decision and not everyone is going to love you.  That doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision; it just means that you take pride in making the right decision over making the decision that’s popular. That’s called integrity.

 

Realize that you have the power to change your situation

I’ve wasted a lot of time in past jobs trying to rationalize my current situation.  This is a futile exercise that will only prolong your misery. You have a lot more choices than you THINK you do.  Just because you’re unhappy in your current situation doesn’t mean that you can’t create a new and improved situation. Brainstorm possibilities right where your feet are planted. Be proactive and talk to key people in your present organization that are knowledgeable about opportunities. Focus on solutions and keep an eye on your goal. And here’s the big one: let people KNOW what you want.

 

Be willing to take a step backward to move forward

This is a hard one for many women to accept. In fact, this thinking keeps women in jobs that they can’t stand.  It’s not easy to take a step back, but if you’re in a new position more aligned with your strengths, you’ll grow quickly.  Realize that career growth is not always a linear process— there’re ups and downs and stumbles. Many women reinvent themselves at different points in their careers. Just keep the momentum going.

 

Don’t stop believing that you’re capable of great things

It all comes back to this very statement. Without your unwavering belief of YOU, it won’t happen. Sure, we all waver now and then, but a core foundation of belief is necessary for you to build career success. It’s truly all about the power of positive thinking.

 

Own your power and go after what you want!