Defining Moments

image railroad tracks

 

We all have those moments in life. Recently, I had one on a ski slope in Canada.

 

My husband and I had decided to go to the top of the mountain and ski the bowl. I was a little hesitant because I saw a sign that said “expert skiers only” (I would rate myself as intermediate). He checked it out and the workers said that the sign was incorrect. On the first big hill, I took off among the throngs but something went awry. I felt my left ski lose control and before I knew it, I was down and tumbling. My body stopped rolling halfway down, with no skis and no poles in the vicinity. When I had my skis back on and my poles again in hand, I looked down the mountain. Something had changed inside of me. The more I stared down the hill, the more I became stuck. My legs went from shaking to rigid and tight.

 

Instructors stopped to help me but the more that I received help, the worse it got. I went from a feeling of high anxiety to one of anger. In that moment, I hated that I was there and could think of thousands of other things I’d rather be doing. It took me forever to get down the mountain as I progressed from paralyzed to slowly moving. I had no confidence, no skills and no interest in being on that mountain.

 

But I refused to give in. By the afternoon, I was flying down mountains again. We were one of the last skiers to come in because I didn’t want the day to end.

 

I’m sharing this story because I believe the lessons you need to learn in life for a successful 2016 are all embedded in this story.

 

  1. Mountains in life always look bigger than they are in reality.

When I was paralyzed looking down the mountain, it appeared to be the steepest hill that I had ever attempted. I believed that 100% in my heart. However, the reality is that the elevation was no different than every other hill I had attempted the day before. Sometimes when you are peering down the mountain of life, an obstacle can appear insurmountable. You need to remind yourself that you have accomplished these challenges before and realize that your emotions are clouding your rational judgment.

 

  1. It’s easier to blame your predicament on someone else than to take the responsibility.

After the ski instructors left and I was still stuck in the same position on the mountain, I began to get angry with my husband. It was his fault that I was in this situation. This made perfect sense to me. Beneath my anger was the defensive need to not take responsibility for my own actions. That would be too painful for me because it would reveal that I was failing, and who likes to feel failure? I didn’t want to feel that. How often do you do that in life? You end up blaming your boss, spouse, friend, or co-worker for your lot in life instead of accepting the feeling that you don’t measure up in some way. Being willing to accept the responsibility helps you move closer to your goals and find your success.

 

  1. Just hang in there and REFUSE to give in to the uncomfortable feelings.

At that moment, I wanted to go inside, get warm and call it a day. I hated every minute of the ski adventure for the next couple hours. However, I refused to give in to my feelings. As painful as it was, I slowly made my way down that mountain and kept on going. I just kept thinking, “I did this before, I’ll do it again”. Just like this experience, there will be certain times in your life that will feel so insurmountable, you won’t be capable of anything more than putting one foot in front of another. At these times, just force yourself to walk through the bad feelings and you will eventually make it to the other side of your fear. By hanging in there, you build confidence and resilience so next time is a bit easier. That is the true secret to finding your success.

 

Here’s to a great 2016!

 

Face your Fears

Recently, I used a magic wand in a speaking presentation.  It happens to be one of my favorite props for a number of reasons.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all we needed to do was raise our magic wand and poof— all our fears and challenges in life would just go away? In just one wave of a wand, you could have your perfect carefree life, devoid of all the distress and challenges. Many women I come across think that it’s just that easy.

 

When I was in grade school, I was deathly afraid of speaking in front of the class, which I’m sure is very hard to believe. However, this confession is true.  In fact, my fear was so real that I would actually be in terror from the day I was assigned the date of my presentation to the day I finally presented.  On a regular basis, I would work myself up into such a panic that I would get genuinely sick on my appointed day to speak.  My fear was all encompassing.

 

Now, I’m not sure from where this fear originated. I don’t recollect any traumatic experiences during a class presentation, I just remember being so incredibly scared that I couldn’t even function.  Throughout Junior High and High School, this same fear didn’t leave me. The thought of standing in front of everyone was just horrifying to me.  In each speaking experience, I went through the same dreaded feelings and the same apprehension beforehand.

 

When I went away to college, I made a decision. I wasn’t going to live my life hiding in fear any longer.  My mother had always taught me to face confrontation and problems head-on and that’s exactly what I intended to do.  You know why? Because the feeling I had when backing down to my fear was worst than the actual fear. The feelings I experienced while giving in to this challenge was hurting my self-esteem. I decided that taking a speech class was the best way to tackle the issue.

 

Something funny happened on the way to confronting my fear: I realized that I was a pretty good speaker.  Sure, the first week was dicey, but as time went on, I just got better and better. Each week, I gained a little more confidence and assurance in my presentation skills.  By the end of the class, I was actually enjoying myself.  My fear had vanished and as unbelievable as it sounds, there was excitement and enjoyment in its place.

 

Now, back to the magic wand. I’m sorry to say that there’s no quick fix to overcoming your fears. There’s no short cut to gaining courage and confidence in life.  I talk to plenty of women that want to believe they can put a band-aid on the problem and call it a day.  The truth is that your courage, confidence or “inner sass” grows with life experiences. It strengthens when you confront your demons and refuse to back down regardless of how anxious, uncomfortable and miserable you become during the process.

 

I don’t know what’s on your list of fears but I do know one thing for sure— not confronting your fear slowly chips away at your confidence and self-worth. You might not be conscious of this fact but it’s true.

 

My advice to you is to throw away the magic wand and do the hard work. Whatever you fear is probably way past it’s expiration date.

Face your Fears

Recently, I used a magic wand in a speaking presentation.  It happens to be one of my favorite props for a number of reasons.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all we needed to do was raise our magic wand and poof— all our fears and challenges in life would just go away? In just one wave of a wand, you could have your perfect carefree life, devoid of all the distress and challenges. Many women I come across think that it’s just that easy.

 

When I was in grade school, I was deathly afraid of speaking in front of the class, which I’m sure is very hard to believe. However, this confession is true.  In fact, my fear was so real that I would actually be in terror from the day I was assigned the date of my presentation to the day I finally presented.  On a regular basis, I would work myself up into such a panic that I would get genuinely sick on my appointed day to speak.  My fear was all encompassing.

 

Now, I’m not sure from where this fear originated. I don’t recollect any traumatic experiences during a class presentation, I just remember being so incredibly scared that I couldn’t even function.  Throughout Junior High and High School, this same fear didn’t leave me. The thought of standing in front of everyone was just horrifying to me.  In each speaking experience, I went through the same dreaded feelings and the same apprehension beforehand.

 

When I went away to college, I made a decision. I wasn’t going to live my life hiding in fear any longer.  My mother had always taught me to face confrontation and problems head-on and that’s exactly what I intended to do.  You know why? Because the feeling I had when backing down to my fear was worst than the actual fear. The feelings I experienced while giving in to this challenge was hurting my self-esteem. I decided that taking a speech class was the best way to tackle the issue.

 

Something funny happened on the way to confronting my fear: I realized that I was a pretty good speaker.  Sure, the first week was dicey, but as time went on, I just got better and better. Each week, I gained a little more confidence and assurance in my presentation skills.  By the end of the class, I was actually enjoying myself.  My fear had vanished and as unbelievable as it sounds, there was excitement and enjoyment in its place.

 

Now, back to the magic wand. I’m sorry to say that there’s no quick fix to overcoming your fears. There’s no short cut to gaining courage and confidence in life.  I talk to plenty of women that want to believe they can put a band-aid on the problem and call it a day.  The truth is that your courage, confidence or “inner sass” grows with life experiences. It strengthens when you confront your demons and refuse to back down regardless of how anxious, uncomfortable and miserable you become during the process.

 

I don’t know what’s on your list of fears but I do know one thing for sure— not confronting your fear slowly chips away at your confidence and self-worth. You might not be conscious of this fact but it’s true.

 

My advice to you is to throw away the magic wand and do the hard work. Whatever you fear is probably way past it’s expiration date.

Past Memories

I woke up Sunday morning, excited to go on my bike ride. I did one last check on the weather and confirmed that it wasn’t predicted to rain until the afternoon. According to my calculations, we would be able to ride at least 60 miles and be back before the downpour.

 

I threw my bike shorts and shoes in a pile on the floor and walked over to the drawer where I keep my bike shirts.  As the drawer opened, I spied my shirt choices.  There, front and center was my purple bike shirt.  I reached for it, and in the span of a few seconds, I relived all the memories.

 

You see, my purple bike shirt has some “baggage”.  It’s the shirt that I was wearing at the Cincinnati Ride event, where things didn’t go so well. I ended up flipping my bike and landing on my head. Firsthand, I experienced an exciting rescue squad ride to the University of Cincinnati Emergency room. The end result was some serious road rash and a bruised, dislocated shoulder that haunted me for a good 2-3 months afterward.

 

While reaching for the shirt, I honestly felt all the feelings that I had on that fateful day. In the span of a few seconds, I felt a myriad of emotions— none of them remotely positive. Quickly, I let go of the shirt. It was as if it was tainted and couldn’t be worn safely again.  I sifted through my shirts, looking for a better one for the trip, one that didn’t make me feel so uneasy. And then my conscious thinking took over.

 

I stared at the purple shirt and thought things through, pragmatically.  “Why are you afraid to wear that shirt? Do you really think you’ll fall every time you have that shirt on?” I questioned my thinking and came up short. It just didn’t make much sense. My negative thinking and fear was not rooted in reality. There was absolutely no evidence to prove that I would fall off my bike again if I wore that shirt.  In a show of defiance, I grabbed the shirt, yanked it over my head and willed myself to let go of the negative thinking.

 

I only caught myself thinking about it once during the journey.  As soon as it popped in my head, I forced myself to let it go by redirecting my thinking to something more pleasant. In the end, I had a safe ride and enjoyed myself.

 

Later, I gave thought to the whole morning incident. Just the sight of my shirt had brought on such intense emotions and almost stopped me in my tracks.  In those few seconds, I could conjure up the sights, sounds, and emotions of the whole experience.

 

And there you have it.  Simmering just beneath the surface are many memories of your past experiences, some good and some not so good. Some of those painful memories are so intense that you may lose sight of the fact that it’s part of your past and not your present. At times, it sure feels like it’s NOW, the pain is so real.

The point is that you can’t let these memories inhibit your ability to see the truth in your present! Question your fear, take control of the situation and don’t let anything stop you from moving forward into your future.

 

 

Facing the Fear

It all started five days ago. I was eating breakfast and I heard a rhythm of knocks at the door.  It stopped for a while, but it soon started up again.  Knock, knock, knock. I opened the door and looked around but I didn’t see anyone.  I went upstairs to focus on my work.

 

I wasn’t sitting at my desk for more than five minutes when I heard the rhythmic knocking again.  Knock, knock, knock, knock.  On and on it went until I ran back down the stairs and opened the door.  Again, I didn’t see anything and I closed the door.  I asked my husband later that day if he had heard that same sound emanating from the front door.  He too had wondered what the sound was and had opened the door to find nothing.

 

Finally, on the fourth day of knocking, my husband quietly walked out the side door and worked his way to the front of the house.  There, at the front door, was a Robin banging his head against the door’s brass kick plate, over and over again.

 

According to an expert on bird behaviors, this is about the time when they start feeling territorial.  They do their very best to keep other adult birds of the same sex outside of their territorial boundaries.  When a Robin notices its reflection in a window or mirror, it becomes agitated and raises its feathers and assumes dominant position.  Normally, that behavior is enough to make other robins leave their territory.

 

However, the “reflection” obviously also gets agitated and becomes equally dominant.  If the robin sees his reflection repeatedly, it becomes more and more agitated and aggressive.  The bird gets determined to drive the “other bird” away.

 

Apparently, my robin friend was quite aggravated with the nerve of the “brass plate” bird.  No matter how much he threw his weight (and head) at the bird, the “brass plate” bird continued to fight back.  Therefore, that bird felt obligated to come back to my front door over and over again to show the other bird who was boss.

 

But we know the truth.  The “brass plate” bird was only a reflection and didn’t truly exist.  However, for my friend the Robin, it was very, very real and threatening.  The bird’s response to the threat was the same ritualistic behavior every time, which, as we know, was not bringing him the outcome that he wanted.

 

What do you fear in life? It’s possible that you have fears that are keeping you from moving forward.  Like our friend the Robin, your usual way of dealing with these threats are based on past behavior.  Do you have a coping pattern of pulling the covers over your head or do you persevere and face whatever’s in front of you?  Chances are, you repeat this ritualistic behavior over and over.  It’s very possible that your fear is about as real as that birds reflection in the brass kick plate.

 

Your success on moving forward in life is dependent upon your ability to see the fear for what it truly is— only a reflection of your past negative experiences.  Your success on moving forward is dependent upon your ability to change your patterns and find a new way to approach the fear.

 

Only then will you stop banging your head against the brass kick plate.