Mental Filters

images brain pictureI recently gave a motivational presentation to a large organization. The energy in the room was strong and I was quite confident when I finished the speaking engagement.  Feeling a strong adrenalin rush, I quickly found my seat and encountered a number of individuals who congratulated me on a job well done.

 

Later, while I was networking with different people, a man approached me to talk.  He shared with me that my presentation would have been much better if I had gone into more detail on a specific topic. I handled the interaction diplomatically and went to sit down.

 

I was devastated.

 

I became obsessed with the comment the man had shared.  Over and over, my mind swirled with this bit of negative information. If only I had realized that I needed to go into more detail! Then, the presentation would have been great.  How could I have not known that the key to success was to go into more depth!?  I believed that my speech was sub par because I neglected this one aspect. I bounced this perceived error around in my mind until the error had become mammoth sized.

 

Does this faulty thinking sound familiar at all?  I’m sure at one point in your life, you have also succumbed to this dysfunctional thought pattern.

 

This specific cognitive distortion that affects so many of us is called filtering. It happens when you focus on the most negative and upsetting features of a situation, filtering out the more positive aspects.  In my case, I had numerous individuals that shared positive feedback on my presentation.  I felt excited and energized when I stepped down from the stage. However, none of the positive praise seemed to matter. Apparently, all it took was one person’s negative opinion to change my perspective on the whole speaking engagement.

 

Looking back on this experience, I can definitely see the error of my ways. Due to my resilience training, I was able to readjust my thinking and look at the situation more realistically.  I studied the situation in a pragmatic manner and asked myself why I was discounting all the positive feedback.  The question was, why did I give this one man such power? This just didn’t seem reasonable.

 

Obviously, this experience didn’t stop me from taking part in future presentations.  I was able to realistically look at the facts and reason it out.  However, not everyone goes through this process and your filtered experience can be a great time waster—

Stopping you from moving forward in life.

 

Make sure the lens that you view the world through is not clouded with some faulty thinking.

 

 

 

What Truly Matters

image mountain molehillsMy husband and I recently drove up to Chicago for the 4th of July weekend. We took our bikes with us so we could go for rides on trails throughout the city.

 

We had also mapped out where we were going to eat for all three dinners.  The first night would be at one of our favorite seafood houses that we frequent every year. My husband had received a coupon that gave us $25.00 off, which made the restaurant even more appealing. As we began to order, my husband realized that he had forgotten the coupon back in Cincinnati.

 

It seemed ridiculous to not take advantage of this opportunity, so we brainstormed on how to solve the problem.  Finally, he remembered that his ipad was back at the hotel and he could access the coupon from there.  We decided that he would walk back to the hotel, which was only a few minutes away.

 

Left alone with my glass of wine, I retrieved my phone and became engrossed in email and the internet for a while. With the dining tables situated so close together and nothing of extreme importance to distract me, it was difficult not to overhear the very loud conversation next to me. A couple had ordered drinks from the bar and was not happy with them.

 

After a closer listen, I realized that they were unhappy because the drinks were served in glassware that was very different from what they had anticipated.  The taste of the drink was fine, yet they felt that their specialty margarita drink should come in the conventional glass used in other restaurants. Finally, they called the manager over to complain.

 

The manager politely told them that the glass in which they had received their drink was their traditional glass for that restaurant. They didn’t even have any other glasses to use for a drink.  He went on to explain that the glasses utilized for all drinks fit the style and era of the restaurant. He offered to supply them with a different drink that might make them happy but they declined and continued to dispute the glass dilemma.

 

Remember, they had no issue with the taste of the drink.  They were unhappy with the glass.  They were stuck on this minor issue for a long, long time.

 

From my perspective, they took a perfectly wonderful dinner and found a way to put a damper on it.  In the grand scheme of things, the glass that your drink is served in is probably not a big deal.  However, these two were able to get a lot of mileage out of this one snag in their evening.  This led me to ponder how they would be able to handle an elephant-sized problem in their life.

 

Resiliency, happiness and health always come down to a few key things: being able to adapt and roll with the punches and having a keen sense of when it’s worthwhile to invest your energy in a situation or just let it go. This was one of those times where it was a complete waste of their energy and emotion.

 

Are you guilty of this same kind of behavior every now and then?  If so, you might want to contemplate whether some changes are in order.

 

Every day, each moment that we are given in life is a gift.  It’s time that we treat it as such.

Eliminating Stress

imagesstress

 

Is anyone out there feeling some stress today?  I’ll make an educated guess that most of you are feeling some level of stress.  It has become the norm in our everyday lives. However, you don’t have to live your life this way.  There are strategies that you can utilize and decisions that you can make to lower or eliminate the stress that you feel on a daily basis.  Here are some tactics that might help you lower your level of stress and enable you to enjoy your life more.

 

Get an objective view of the situation

I understand that you lead a busy life. You have a lot of different responsibilities on your daily priority list.  However, you can become so overwhelmed with your commitments and responsibilities and so hyper focused on your own experience that you can no longer see things clearly. In order for you to get a more realistic view of your life, ask yourself the following questions:

 

1. What impact would this have on my life or others if I don’t follow through with this responsibility?

 

2.  Is the impact worth my level of stress and anxiety?

 

By asking these questions, you could force yourself to see that it isn’t the end of the world if you drop this commitment.  It’s so easy to get lost in the endless loop of stress or anxiety that you can lose sight of whether it even truly matters.

 

Watch your extreme thinking when you start getting stressed

Think about someone you would deem as stressed or anxious.  Chances are they talk in extremes and their extreme thinking fuels their anxiety.  They pepper their communication with words like  “have to”, “always”, “never”, “must” and “should”. They speak in hyperbole, setting themselves up for more stress. This communication style is simply fuel to the fire.  The running dialogue is always swirling in their head, and it’s the perfect storm for a life filled with stress and anxiety. Until they address what they’re telling themselves and make an effort to manage it, the stress and anxiety will only get worse. We all fall into this pattern now and then, so make an effort to acknowledge it and take action.

 

 

Stay away from stressful people

Do you know any people in your life that are stress mongers? These are the ones that just resonate with anxiety.  Every time you’re around them, stress just seeps out of their pores. The problem is that it usually then seeps into your pores.  Their goal is for you to understand the level of stress that they are feeling.  However, what actually happens is that they successfully transfer that stress to you.  Often, you leave the conversation feeling stressed and anxious while they go on to their next victim. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that they probably don’t follow through on any advice you give them.  My suggestion to you is to minimize your time with these individuals.  If it’s impossible, just don’t engage in the anxiety talk and change the subject in the conversation.

 

Steve Maraboli said the following,

 

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health.  Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”

 

 

Please keep this in mind the next time you’re tempted to fall into this unhealthy pattern.

 

Dream Snatcher

images dream snatcherI was terrified when I contemplated going back to school to complete my Masters degree. To be truthful, I wasn’t a terrific student, although I had always excelled in the workplace. My fears about school were so strong that every now and then, the subject turned up in my nightmares.  Usually, I was running to get to my class and would realize that I had not studied for the final. (Which, of course, was happening right at that moment.)  In the nightmare, I could feel the anxiety coursing through my body as I asked myself why I hadn’t attended the classes or prepared appropriately for the exam. This scenario played itself out over and over— whenever I was feeling anxious in my life.

 

Yes, I had fears about school and succeeding. So, when I made the decision to go back to school, you can imagine what an obstacle that represented to me. I began to tell people my plan, with the hope that every time I shared my news, I would become a little more self-confident about the path I had chosen.  This was my dream and the only thing that was stopping me from going after it was my fear.

 

As you know, every time you share your life plans with someone, you run the risk of receiving a negative reaction. I remember vividly sharing the news with a good friend who reacted in a way that I couldn’t have expected.  As I excitedly laid out my plans for the future, she questioned my decision.

 

“Why would you do that?  How can you possibly be successful when you still have two kids at home? That’s not going to work”.

 

This cut straight to my heart. I needed a friend that supported and encouraged me to move forward.  I didn’t need help with feeling any more vulnerable or unsure about my decision. I was more than capable of handling that one.

 

This person was a DREAM SNATCHER.

 

You know the type. They could be loving members of your family or long-time friends.  The bottom line is that they discourage you from wanting more and believing that you are entitled to receive more. They go out of their way to share all the reasons why your decision is a bad idea and it’s not going to work.

 

But why do they do this? There are many possible reasons but these two are the most common.

 

They don’t want you to get hurt.

It’s possible that they have lived their own life following the rules and doing what’s safe.  They love you and they can’t bear to see you get hurt, stumble or take the wrong path.  Therefore, they will convince you to keep things predictable.  They will encourage you to stay where you’re familiar and comfortable.  Their pain while watching you risk this fall is so great that they feel compelled to convince you to stay “status quo”. They just can’t take the risk of having to see you struggle.

 

Your plans make them feel vulnerable and insecure.

Nothing is more threatening to the Dream Snatcher than watching others move forward and go after their dreams.  The Dream Snatcher doesn’t have the courage to take this leap; therefore, they feel relieved if they can discourage you from taking it.  Your ability to move forward is uncomfortable for them— they might have to face some decisions in their own life.  When my friend asked me how I could go back to school, she really was talking about herself. This was really about her, not me.

 

There will always be plenty of people in life who want to give you reasons why your dream is NOT valid.  Dream snatchers are everywhere and they’re more than happy to go into detail as to why your dream will fail.  Be sure to surround yourself with individuals that encourage, empower and support your efforts to go after your dreams and live life to the fullest.

 

 

In the Wind

bag in windI was driving down the highway the other day when I noticed something up in the sky. As I drove closer to the object, I was able to assess what was up there. The object appeared to be a plastic bag, the kind that you get at the grocery store.  The bag was flying up and down and around with such energy. It followed no pattern or course, simply depending on the next big gust of wind to decide its fate.

 

The whole experience reminded me of a number of people that I’ve come across in my life.

 

I had a conversation with a young man a couple years ago.  The talk turned to his part-time job, so I asked him how it was going.  He lamented that his hours had been cut and felt angry about the whole situation.  He told me exactly how he was going to be affected by this unfortunate turn of events.  He definitely did his fair share of complaining.

 

I listened to him for a while before I spoke.  I asked him the obvious question— had he had discussed the cutbacks with his supervisor?  He looked at me incredulously and said no. When I asked him why he hadn’t had a discussion with this boss, he really didn’t have an answer.

 

I explained to him that he needed to ask WHY his hours had been cut. Then, with his boss, he needed to outline the reasons why allowing him to keep those hours would be the right decision. Frankly, none of this had ever occurred to him.  He didn’t feel that he had a choice in the situation. I believe he was just waiting for that next big gust of wind to decide his fate.

 

I talked to a young woman on the phone today. Earlier this year, she had lost her job to an unfortunate turn of events. She spent hours researching, networking and pounding the pavement to find another job. It didn’t surprise me that she found the perfect match fairly quick in her journey. Today she shared that, again, her new employer is taking drastic measures to cut back and a whole team has been laid off.

 

This is devastating news considering she just got back on her feet. However, I was impressed by the strength in her voice.  She refused to waste time whining about what couldn’t change and she was already busy networking and researching how she could take charge in her situation. She was adamant that she would control her destiny. She would not accept that the next big gust of wind would decide her fate.

 

I hate to say this, but I know individuals that have spent their whole lives in this pattern.  They float and bob from one job or relationship to the next, letting others decide their fate.  When the wind stops, they land. Usually, they blame their misfortune on others, never accepting the fact that the whole time, they had the ability to control their own path in life.

 

This is your reminder that you don’t have to be that plastic bag taking flight in the wind, unsure of where you’re going or when you will land.

 

You have the power to control your own destiny.