The Illogical

“Deep in the human unconscious, is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense.  But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.”

Frank Herbert

 

The day started the same as any other Saturday.  I slept in, had a leisurely breakfast and made it to the gym by 8:45.  Per our usual routine, my husband and I went out for lunch, ending up at House of Pancakes.  The waitress brought us our omelets and my husband’s soda with ice. I became intensely involved in the process of eating.

 

And then it happened.  I was startled out of my focused concentration by a loud crash.  My first thought in my head was that I had clumsily hit over a glass on the table.  “Did I just do that?” I said out loud.  My husband replied no and I began to survey the situation.  My brain had difficulty processing what I saw.

 

There, sitting on the edge of the table was a half of a glass.  It had been split perfectly long ways and only one half was still on the table.  There were ice cubes still sitting in the half of glass. This detail led me to search for the other half.  Not finding it on the table, I looked down at the floor.  There, sitting upright, with ice cubes spilling out, was the other half of the glass, still in one piece.  I stared at it for a while and then looked up at my husband.  “Did anyone touch that?” I said out loud. Again he replied no.  Confused, I looked around me, searching for the answer. The people behind me were standing and staring at the table and then at the floor where the other half lie. Their eyes eventually came back to us confused. The man said laughing, “what were you thinking about?” as if my thoughts had shattered the glass.

 

Eventually, every table around me was staring at our table, and then staring at the ground.  There eyes wide, they just surveyed the situation with a confused look.

 

The waitress and a busboy came over to clean up. “I’ve worked here a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like that. It just split perfectly in two pieces.” I reiterated again that no one had touched the glass. The waitress laughed and commented that maybe they had ghosts in the restaurant. Yes, I thought, maybe it was my mom sending me a message. Being a pragmatic person, that wasn’t the first thing that came to my mind. However, I was frantically searching for any reason that the strange incident had occurred. Frankly, I was coming up short-way short.

 

A couple hours passed and I went up to my office to do some work.  I glanced down at my calendar and noticed the date for today.  And then it dawned on me; it was my Mother’s birthday.  My mind immediately went to the glass and then I shook it off.  Again, my logical thinking refused to accept such illogical thinking.

 

I called my son later that day and told him the story of the glass. I stated that there was no logical explanation for the situation. Not even knowing it was my mom’s birthday, he blurted out, “Maybe it was grandma sending a message.” It shocked me to hear him suggest that.

 

We all have an intense need to make sense of our world.  This gives us a sense of security and comfort in a sometimes-unpredictable universe. However, there’re times that they’re no clear-cut answers.  There’s no logical explanation. And that’s O.K.

 

I choose to take comfort in the illogical.

 

“The appearance of things change according to the emotions; and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty are really in ourselves.”

Resilience

 

I had a great conversation with a woman the other day. She worked in a male-dominated field and had encountered numerous hardships and obstacles on her way to success. Her professional AND personal life was filled with experiences that might have detoured many others from a path to the top. However, she was able to somehow navigate her life and despite the odds, find happiness and success.  How is that possible?

 

It’s a little thing called resilience.  Some women have it and some women don’t.  Resilience is the ability to turn disruptive changes and obstacles into opportunities for growth. It’s the ability to deal with change in your life, be flexible and spring back better than ever. Let’s get something clear up front: being resilient doesn’t mean that you don’t feel pain, grief, or sadness when bad things happen. It just means that you confront your feelings, weather the storm and find your way to the other side.

 

Research has shown that some individuals are genetically predisposed to be optimistic and see the positive side of life.  They’re just naturally born with a temperament that enables them to approach their days with a sunny disposition. Research also has revealed that many others receive these desired skills from a combination of environmental factors, including parental interaction. By struggling with obstacles at a young age, they learn to independently handle pressures and stresses in an effective manner.

 

Women that have resilience take responsibility for their actions in life. When things go wrong, they are inquisitive and try to understand and make sense of the situation. They have strong problem-solving skills and can calmly review the options and find a rational solution.  They believe that they have control of their universe. In other words, they make things happen— things don’t happen to them.

 

When I was growing up, I was lucky enough to have a mom that encouraged me to be a problem-solver. She led me to believe that every problem had a solution and guided me through the problem-solving process. She prodded me to confront issues directly and get outside support if needed. All of this led me to believe that I had the confidence to call the shots in my life and I could make things happen.

 

That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sad with the usual disappointments in my life.  I remember a number of times that I felt anxious and stressed over various jobs, family struggles and friendship break-ups. The difference is that I allowed myself to fully feel, which then led to understanding, and finally making sense and finding meaning in the experience.  I didn’t stay stuck forever; eventually I shrugged it off and moved on.

 

But what if you didn’t have a positive childhood experience and you’re not genetically predisposed for resilience? Is there a way that you can develop your skills and become strong? The answer is yes. It takes work and commitment but you can take control of your life. It’s a matter of getting more in touch with your emotions and pushing yourself to become comfortable with change.  It involves finding meaning and purpose in the “bad” times in your life and redefining some of your thoughts and beliefs about the world. Yes, it’s possible to learn to soar through your career and personal struggles and come out on the other side better than ever.

 

It’s just a matter of wanting to make a change.

Women and Friendships

I was having dinner with two work friends the other evening and the talk turned to women and friendships.  One of my friends shared how she had recently joined a new group and certain women were making it abundantly clear that she was not accepted.  She had “heard” that they resented her material possessions— her house, her car etc. Of course, this was conveyed in a passive-aggressive manner. Never the less, she had received the very clear message that she was not like them.  She was different and that was not a good thing.  She felt understandably angry about not being accepted, but beneath the anger was hurt.

 

The conversation turned to why women take part in this negative behavior.  You know, the junior high and high school antics that are forever etched in our memory. Well, at least they are in mine.  I remember clearly being iced out of my clique in 8th grade by a group of mean girls. The hurt was devastating at that age and it truly felt as if I wouldn’t survive this experience.

 

The pain is not any less intense when you encounter the same behavior as an adult. In the 2005 book, “Mean Girls Grown Up”, women studies and relational aggression author Cheryl Dellasega explored what happened to those mean girls when they grew up.  Will it shock you if I tell you that the author concluded that a significant number of them continue to act aggressively (or passive-aggressively) in their personal and professional life?  The power games and targeted, attacking behavior are a part of their regular interactions.

 

So what can you do when you encounter this type of behavior?

 

1. As difficult as it is, don’t get caught up in this toxic encounter.  Step outside the experience and take an objective look at the situation. Sometimes you can get so tied up in your own hurt and anger, you can fail to see how this is less about your insecurities and more about someone else’s. This is typical behavior for a woman that feels threatened.  Understand and accept that you probably have nothing to do with her reaction. If you can do a self-check and agree that you have been nothing but kind and respectful to this individual, then try your best to move on.

 

2.  Focus on the friendships that nourish and feed you.  It’s human behavior to focus on what we can’t have and the negatives in our life.  However, force yourself to focus on the good and the quality friendships that do exist.  Invest your time in the relationships that are based on non-judgmental acceptance. These friendships are proof that you are more than capable of lasting, loving relationships.

 

3.  If you’re feeling strong and your emotions are in check, attempt to have a healthy discussion with the individual. State the facts, convey how the situation made you feel, and say what you would like to see happen. To be effective, you must approach this devoid of all emotion, name-calling, and finger pointing. Don’t expect miracles in this approach— chances are good that she’ll refuse to take any responsibility. However, expressing your feelings in a healthy manner could help YOU feel some power in the situation and more at peace.

 

It’s difficult enough for women to succeed with the pressures in today’s workplace. All women need to support one another and REFUSE to turn a blind eye to mean girl behavior in the workplace and beyond.

 

I’m calling an all out war— who’s with me?

Guilty Pleasures

I was having a conversation with my hair stylist the other day. She wondered whether I had been watching any interesting television shows. I reminded her that I don’t really watch much T.V. However, I always make time for the Housewives series on Bravo. After she stopped laughing, she looked at me and said, “That seems like a strange show for YOU to watch. I would never peg you for someone who would watch that kind of stuff”. I then explained how I enjoyed observing the toxic behaviors on the show and diagnosing the women from my family room couch. I suppose that’s the socially acceptable answer to her question. What’s most likely the real truth? The show is my guilty pleasure— my mindless guilty pleasure.

 

According to the dictionary, the definition of a guilty pleasure is the following: “Something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilty for enjoying it.”  It appears that we fear the reaction from others after sharing our embarrassing lack of taste. This is what truly makes it a GUILTY pleasure.

 

I must now confess that watching the Housewives isn’t my only guilty pleasure. A couple more come to mind.

 

I read People and Us magazine on every plane trip.

During the week, I can be caught reading on the Internet and always being up to date on the news.  I read Newsweek, the daily paper, Psychology and Entrepreneur Magazines and numerous books for my business.  However, if I’m traveling on a plane, my ritual involves stopping in the airport store to buy People and Us magazine. I get pretty excited about reading these and the anticipation builds as I board the plane.  I usually read Us first and become amused by the usual “celebrities are just like us! They buy ice cream, they reach for items on shelves etc.”. By the time I begin to peruse People, I’m sated.  I am reminded why I don’t read this every week.

 

I eat a salad and popcorn for dinner.

The other night, my next-door neighbor and her 10-year-old daughter came over while I was eating dinner with my husband.  The young girl was going to receive instruction on how to take care of my dog while I was away.  It so happens that we were in the middle of dinner— my husband had made me a salad topped with chicken. Also on the table was one of those long tubes of popcorn. As they surveyed my dinner table, I felt compelled to explain how popcorn falls into a food group.  Later, my husband mentioned how the little girl was probably envious of what I get to eat for dinner.  OK, so I don’t do it that often, but when I do, I thoroughly enjoy it.

 

I eat a snack in bed every night.

Actually, my favorite snack in bed is a Wendy’s Frosty.  Honestly, there’s nothing better. However, you do run the risk of melting ice cream on your sheets.  On the healthier side, I often eat blueberries, raspberries or yogurt under the covers.  Again, you do run the risk of purple stains, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’m not very proud of this behavior but it is thoroughly enjoyable.

 

I sometimes take a bubble bath in the middle of the day.

There are days where I’m writing and working at my desk until the afternoon.  Sometime between 2 or 3, I begin to think about how a hot bubble bath would be the perfect accompaniment to the workday.  This seems quite decadent to do in the middle of the workweek AND the afternoon.  However, that makes this experience all the more enjoyable. Yes, it’s truly my guilty pleasure.

 

Guilty pleasures can actually be good for your mental and physical health. I suppose if I ate popcorn and salad every night for dinner, it probably wouldn’t be beneficial to my health. The key is to approach these guilty pleasures with moderation. When indulging on rare occasions, I believe it can be quite good for your psyche.