Month: December 2011

Are you a girlfriend that has perfected the art of worrying? If you have, I’m not surprised.  Most women I come across have spent a good portion of their life practicing this sport. Let me be honest— there have been points in my own life where I wasted my valuable time taking part in this activity. But is it really worth it?

 

They say that 40% of what you worry about never comes to fruition.  That means that you are spending time worrying about something that has a good chance of not ever actually taking place.  In the 60% of situations where things happened the way you feared, was it as bad as you had imagined? Did the worrying help the situation?

 

Do you worry about things that have already passed? Let’s face it, you have no control over the past, but you certainly have control over how you move forward. Worrying is exhausting and is in no way a productive activity.  It can affect your emotional and physical health in numerous ways.  If you’re like me, worrying can go round and round in a tight circle, leading to nowhere.

 

To prove to you how worrying can be a big fat waste of time, I’ve included a sample list of occasions where I’ve wasted time and energy when I didn’t have to:

 

• My younger son could not learn to tell time in second grade.  He had a mental block about this. I asked numerous experts if it pointed to a disability.

Outcome: He is in his second year at the University of Michigan and he seems to have no problem telling time.

 

• I was so worked up after one of my Master’s research tests, because I was convinced I had flunked it. After excess worrying and fretting, I wrote the Professor and shared my feelings. I was sent a full page of wisdom on what school is really about— and it’s not grades.

Outcome: The last line in the letter— “by the way, you got an A”.

 

• I remember a huge fight with my husband where I stayed up all night, worrying about our marriage. I believe it had to do with some purchase in the house but I can’t be certain now.

Outcome: We’ve been married 30 years and this was just a blip on the radar screen of importance.

 

• I had a friend that slowly began to pull away from our friendship. I spent numerous hours speculating on the friendship and whether I had done something wrong to cause this new turn of events.

Outcome: There was nothing I could do to change this situation because it was never about me!

 

• Would I get turned down from the job that I desperately wanted? I felt that life would just stop if I didn’t get an offer from this one organization. Outcome: I didn’t get the job, but something even better came along.

 

• In 9^th grade, my older son had a girlfriend that was in 12^th grade. That relationship enabled me to spend a lot of my time in a worry cycle. You can just imagine where I was going with that one!

Outcome: They broke up when she went away to school and he quickly moved on.

 

At the time, each of these incidents seemed so very important. Guess what— they seem silly to me now!  I encourage all of you to think back to some of the things you worried about in your life and make a list. Is it comical like mine? Was it really worth it or was it a big fat waste of time? As Amy’s wise mom always says, “Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but it doesn’t really take you anywhere”.

 

 

A while back, I was exploring to find out what my next adventure would be in life.  Not accustomed to having so much downtime, I researched various volunteer opportunities that might help to keep be busy. After making my list, I settled on the Dress for Success Program.  I figured that my experience in retailing coupled with my Mental Health Degree, would make me the perfect candidate to volunteer in their program.  I had the acquired skills needed to work with women that were being fitted for their first interview outfit and struggling with self-esteem and moving forward in life.

 

At the time, they didn’t need someone to work with women being dressed in their interview outfits.  However, they did suggest that they needed assistance in their consignment boutique.  I was disappointed when I found out that there were no openings to work with women. I was convinced that it was essential for me to utilize my social work skills. Despite my disappointment, I began to volunteer my time at the boutique.

 

Initially, they placed me in the bargain basement, where all the pieces of clothing were a few dollars.  The manager asked me to help clean up the basement and attempt to do some displays.  I got busy working on the displays behind the desk.  Trust me, this job was not easy. Only odds and ends were left, and that didn’t lend itself to an appealing display.  The time flew by and the next time I looked at my watch, it was time to leave.

 

When I walked in the following week, everyone was excited to see me.  They raved about the job I had done down in the basement and asked me to do some displays on the main floor.  They wanted to change the look behind the desk, and so I went to work. I studied the floor, searching for a possible theme for the display and pieces of clothing that stood out.  A brightly colored scarf became my inspiration for the display.  I worked intensely to coordinate pieces that would complete my creation. Hours flew by like minutes as I finished the display and stood back to survey my work.

 

I felt a mixture of pride, excitement and surprise as I stared at the wall. The thing is, I enjoyed the way the other volunteers and employees fawned over my display, but I really didn’t need the other’s appreciation.  What I mean is this: I KNEW it was really good! Their compliments were just icing on the cake for me. Me feeling good about me was what I really needed.

 

 

When I walked out that day, I remember looking up at the bright sun and thinking about how great I felt. This experience had taught me something valuable. I realized I was creative, talented and passionate about merchandising.  I had not used these skills since my days in retail operations. The time flew by for me because I loved what I was doing. It was a reminder that I had a number of skills I was not utilizing— I just needed to rediscover them. This revelation couldn’t have come at a better time.

 

It’s a given that I did a good deed by donating my time to a worthy program. That said, what did volunteering give to me? It gave me the opportunity to expand my skill base and learn more about myself.  It pushed me outside my comfort zone and stretched me to use my talents. It was a great confidence booster!

 

So girlfriend, I encourage you to volunteer.  Find something you are passionate about and go for it. I promise, not only can you touch someone else’s life but you can also do wonders for y

 

My husband has a bad habit. He likes to make lists of tasks that he feels I need to accomplish.  As you might imagine, this doesn’t go over very well with me. You know why? I don’t like to be told what to do. I’m going to guess that most people don’t like being told what to do or what needs to be changed in their own lives.  If you’re anything like me, you get defensive when you hear someone else trying to change you. Automatically, you don’t want to change just because it’s not YOUR idea. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good idea or not, you just dig in your heels and tune out the other person.

 

I was listening to two sales clerks have a conversation in the store the other day.  One woman had a desperate need to change her boyfriend’s behavior. He was unemployed, gaining weight, drinking way too much and wasn’t working very hard to find another job.  My girlfriend was working two jobs to support both of them.  She wanted him to seek professional help but he refused. Apparently, they spent most or all of their time fighting over his lack of initiative to change his life.  It’s not surprising to find out that he didn’t feel there was a problem with his current lifestyle. She shared that she had tried everything to change him but nothing was working. This situation had worsened over the last two years and she wondered how she could change his behavior.

 

My girlfriend is stuck in a losing battle if she thinks she can change her boyfriend.  She can’t just demand that he change his life— he will change when he is ready to change! However, what she can do is stop enabling him. What she can do is control her own world. So what does she have control over? Let’s see, she can stop trying to make things better by working two jobs to compensate for his lack of ambition.  She can go get professional help and figure out why she’s trying so hard to change him when she’s the one that continues to stay in this bad situation.  She can work on becoming an emotionally healthy and happy woman with her own goals in life. She, girlfriends, is the one that needs to change.

 

Every day, I meet women that believe they can change other people.  They not only believe that they can change them, but they believe that it is their duty in life to change and enhance the lives of others.  Sometimes they just try to fix the men they love but often this extends out to their family and friends. These women spend numerous hours being worried, frustrated and stressed because of their involvement in other’s “change” that just isn’t happening.

 

Girlfriend, stop and take a good look in the mirror right now.  Does this behavior sound familiar?  Does it hit home with you?  Are you exerting a lot of energy trying to control and change other’s worlds?  If so, now is the time for change, but the change needs to transpire within YOU. Have a talk with YOU and make a pact to back off of others and let them navigate their own lives.  You will be taking a huge step forward to living a happy, healthy life.

 

 

 

 

By now, I think everyone knows that I spent my Thanksgiving holiday in New York City with my family. What stereotypes come to your mind when you think about New York City? Do you think about the high crime rate and how unsafe you are in the big city? Does it immediately come to your mind how rude and abrasive people are? Let me share the following story with you.

The entire family slept in on the Friday after Thanksgiving. We had a fabulous time the night before— maybe a bit too fabulous! Anyway, after knocking on my kids’ door, it became apparent that they had no interest in joining us for breakfast. I didn’t blame them for wanting to sleep in— I was quite tired myself but knew a cup of coffee would help things considerably. My husband and I walked over to the deli across the street to grab something to eat. We ate a quick breakfast and went back to the room to change our clothes. We felt it would be wise to spend some time burning off calories from the previous night’s dinner at the workout room.

I decided to take a few minutes to do some work on my computer, but I first needed my glasses from my purse. I started searching all over the hotel room for my bag. I looked in every drawer and scoured every inch of the hotel room to no avail. And then I had a flash of memory: putting my purse on the chair next to me at the restaurant. In a panic state, I told my husband that I was positive I had left my purse at the restaurant. Twenty minutes had gone by since we left the deli and went back to our room.

As I ran across the street, I thought about the odds of finding my purse there. Let’s face it; the odds were slim to none. I started mentally itemizing everything that I had in my purse that would be missing: numerous credit cards, money, my driver’s license…It was Black Friday and the city was jammed with people. I believed this raised the odds of someone taking my purse. As I walked into the restaurant, I immediately looked over to the table where I had been sitting and eating breakfast.

A man was sitting with his wife in the exact same seat. When he saw my face, he yelled out to me “It’s your purse isn’t it? I found it when I sat down and I took it to the counter.” I went over to the couple, grabbed their hands and thanked them profusely. Everyone in the restaurant was smiling at me! As I looked at them, I realized that they were as happy and relieved for me as I was for me!

If you’re not careful, you can get extremely comfortable with a view of the world as a scary, unsafe place where people are lurking around every corner, ready to take advantage of you. The constant stream of media certainly reinforces this image of the world. It’s easy to forget that this is far from the truth— I believe that the majority of people in the world are kind, compassionate and eager to help others. I am very grateful that I was reminded of this fact this weekend.