Finding Your Inner Calm

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. As the discussion turned to the latest political happenings, I felt that welling up feeling in my body. That signal that I’m beginning to feel anxious and could easily be triggered by something shared in the conversation. And there it was……the very thing that I was fearful would be said, was said.

 

I didn’t say a word. I kept quiet and the conversation continued. I felt my heartrate stay elevated and that stressful feeling in my body stick around. Soon, it was time to go and I spent the whole car ride home upset about the discussion. When I got out of the car, I didn’t feel any better. Having an explosion of emotions didn’t aid me in releasing my frustration. In fact, I felt exactly the same.

 

That whole episode was not characteristic of my personality. Usually, I am able to listen, reflect and understand when another person shares their viewpoints. And usually, all without turning on the judgement. However, something had changed.

 

I felt that level of stress continuously throughout the following days. Granted, these are not normal times. Dealing with the changes of COVID and the uncertainty going forward, played into this feeling. Being bombarded with the latest news update, wasn’t helping the situation. And I realized, that I couldn’t even concentrate to accomplish simple tasks at work. I no longer had the ability to be creative. My brain just seemed way too overstimulated to allow the creative process to unfold.

 

In addition, I was worried all the time. My mind was proficient at finding the “perfect” thing to worry about hour after hour. It’s as if it was just searching for something to attach to and continue the worry cycle.

 

When stepping back from the situation, I realized that I needed to become more mindful and live more in the present. I needed to quiet my mind.

 

Mindfulness is the mental state achieved when you focus on being aware in the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts and body sensations. It’s not thinking about what happened in the past, and not focusing on what might transpire in the future. It’s living in the now. Although I had been mindful in my daily life in the past, I had lost my way the last couple months.

 

The constant bombardment of the latest politics, COVID updates, business struggles and racial tension had gotten me off track. I’m guessing that many leaders out there are also wrestling with the inability to be mindful and present. I can imagine many of you are struggling, like myself, with all the “what ifs” that could happen in the near future, with so much being up in the air. And when all this stimulation takes up too much brain space, you are much less productive.

 

So here are some suggestions to find more calm and mental clarity.

 

Take 5 minutes to start your day off on the right foot with meditation.

Set the timer for 5 minutes, get in a comfortable sitting position, and just focus on your breathing. Pay attention as you inhale through your nose, and slowly exhale through your mouth. Your brain will try to bounce around to other random thoughts and that is OK. Just keep with it and go back to the focused breathing. Make no judgments over the thoughts, just let the thoughts wash over you and let them leave your body. Over time, this will get easier and you will be able to increase your time.

 

Limit your Social Media and news access

Do you feel your stress level going up when you get on Social Media? It’s good to be informed and educated. Focus on receiving enough information to be educated on the world news. Recognize that line where you might be diving in headfirst and not coming out. For example, I worked hard today to have a work-out without checking my phone over and over for the latest update. Just make it a point to focus on the present task and not overload your brain with too much stimulation.

 

Learning how to be mindful is a process and takes time and hard work. It’s not something that you master in a day. However, learning this skill can help you gain self-control, emotional regulation, lower your heart rate and find your calm.

 

I could use a little of that right now.

Taking Control

Full disclosure-I had a fight with my husband yesterday. I had just spent the last stressful hour at the grocery store. I thought I had timed it right so it wouldn’t be so crowded. However, the store was packed, which made my trip that much more difficult.

 

You see, I spent every minute thinking through my every move. Am I getting too close to that person by the onions? When will that man be done touching each potato before I can take my turn? Things that I never had to give thought to, now permeate my brain. I used to enjoy my shopping time and pick up a Starbucks at the start of my journey. However, now I strategically map out every move that I plan to make in the store so I can quickly exit the store.

 

So back to the fight with my husband. After spending the emotionally taxing time in the store, I drove back to the house and unpacked all my food. My husband reviewed some of my purchases and commented on how they weren’t his preferred brands, among other criticisms.

 

That was all it took to put me over the edge.

 

I know this might surprise you, but he didn’t understand my strong reaction. What was the big deal? He was upset because what he was expecting was not what I delivered. Never mind that going shopping these days is hit or miss. Will they have the bread I usually buy? Will they actually have eggs? You don’t always get exactly what you would prefer.

 

My reaction bothered me enough to give it thought. I wondered why he was being so impossible and why I had absolutely no patience for anything.

 

The truth is that we are all experiencing a loss of control. And when people feel a loss of control, they often look for a scapegoat, someone to blame their misery on.

 

This is a difficult time that is filled with uncertainty. As a human, you like certainty and understanding how things are going to turn out. And the truth is, no one really knows where all this is going and where you will end up. This makes you feel anxious and not feel in total control of your universe. You like to call the shots and make your own decisions. Right now, that’s just not happening.

 

And if you don’t believe me, take a look on Social Media. You can see the loss of control right before your eyes. You can also see a number of people trying to control their world by finding blame. Even in this time of crisis when we should band together, you see way too much division, name calling and blame. My favorite are the individuals that post the loveliest messages of hope and then negate all this positivity with posts of hate, blame and divisiveness.

 

Now is not the time to post political messages that attack others. Now is not the time to post anger, and hurtful messages for those that don’t agree with you. Now is not the time to fight so hard against our current reality because it’s not’s comfortable and not what you want to accept.

 

Make an effort to rise above all the negativity that is swirling around you.

 

Look in the mirror and recognize that you are part of the problem. You are the one that is standing in the way of moving forward.

 

Just accept your reality.

 

 

 

 

 

Building Resilience

My son sent me a text with a pic attached from his local Costco. He was standing in a long line that snaked all the way back to the meat section. He reported that people were buying incredible amounts of food and they were out of all their paper products and water. He thought it was comical that people were hoarding water since everyone has access and will continue to have access to fresh water.

 

Yet, when he got to the front of the line, the worker asked him if he wanted the available bottled water at the counter. Someone had decided against it and left it at the register. He excitedly accepted the water and felt accomplished that he had scored big.

 

Now, his sane mind told him that he didn’t need this water. However, emotions can apparently be strong motivators. Look around and you can see how this fear can become contagious. I’m sure you see it daily in the grocery stores. Yesterday, I saw people running through a Kroger to snag one of the last available toilet paper packs.

 

There is no denying that this is a scary time filled with uncertainty. You don’t know from day to day how things are going to change. And the truth is that human beings really don’t like change. Your patterns, routines and habits have all been upended. Kids are out of school, parents are working from home, and all your usual services and supports are closed. All of this combined can make you feel a complete loss of control.

 

So what can you do about it? Here’s a couple ideas to help you through this time.

 

Establish a schedule and new routines in your daily life.  Getting exercise and going to the gym daily helps me stay sane. It makes me feel energized for the rest of the day. With the gyms closed, I knew that I needed to establish a new healthy routine. Two days this week I was able to go for a walk outside, and the others, I jumped on the treadmill. The exercise coupled with getting “out of the house”, helped me immensely.

 

Monitor the amount of time that you spend on Social Media and news. It’s important to stay informed, but too much information can make you feel overwhelmed and can heighten anxiety. I have noticed that when I overconsume news, I become distracted easily and have difficult focusing. When you feel that happening, walk away from your computer and become involved in a different task that’s pleasurable.

 

Reach out and connect with others

I crave interaction with others. Therefore, staying in my house can feel like a punishment. Make a point to reach out to friends and family as much as possible. Contact that friend you haven’t talked to forever. Check on your elderly neighbor that doesn’t have family in town. With so much technology that enables us to connect, there’s no excuse for not reaching out. Be creative, make a plan and take action.

 

 

 

Focus on doing good for others

Being isolated in the house can lead us to some extraordinary “overthinking”. It can take you back in time, looking at your failures, or worrying about things yet to happen. The best cure for this is to redirect that energy in helping others in need. How can you give back during this time of need? How can you use your talents to help people that are currently struggling?

 

It’s easy for us to get lost in the moment and feel like this time will last forever. Remind yourself that this is not forever, and this is just a moment in time. If you have too, say this out loud to yourself, when you are having a low moment.

 

We will all this through this time together.

 

 

Treading Water

Do you know someone that is going through a bad time or has ever experienced a rough patch in their life?

 

Let’s be honest-no one is immune to heartache. At some point in your life, you will go through a difficult time. You will be disappointed, disheartened, and feel like you can’t go on. You will think that this new CHANGE that has occurred is just way too much to handle.

 

How do I know this? Because there isn’t a person alive that gets through life without some bad scrapes and bruises. It’s part of the whole journey that is referred to as “life”. And at some point, it will be your turn to endure some difficult experience.

 

I have heard countless stories of getting fired from a job, grieving a loved one, not achieving your dream, having a loved one disappoint you and the list goes on.

 

So, here’s a couple things to remember so that you’re a bit more prepared and resilient for the next low point that you encounter:

 

This is only a moment in time.

When you’re going through this bad time, you don’t have perspective. You become so immersed in your pain and sadness that you neglect to understand that this is a temporary condition. This horrible pain is not going to last for eternity. This feeling is just for now and will eventually subside. The fact that the sadness is for now and will pass is always a tough concept for people to accept when they are in the midst of a disappointment. They feel trapped and can’t see outside the walls of their agony. But trust me, it will pass, and things will lighten up. Just keep repeating this to yourself.

 

You are not unique-we all have some burden to carry.

When you are going through a challenging time, it’s easy to look around and think that you are unique. It feels like everyone else is living a fairytale life while you are struggling to get through another day. Remind yourself of the truth-no one’s life is perfect and you are presently seeing the world through a distorted lens. Wallowing in this is not going to help you move forward.

 

You need to allow yourself to let go of the loss

People don’t like to feel pain. They will go to great lengths to avoid any hurtful feelings. However, there is a certain amount of pain you must walk through in order to get to the other side. Numbing the pain won’t work and neither will distractions and positive talk. Yes, they might give you some temporary relief, but the only way to truly move forward is to be honest and vulnerable with your feelings and be willing to trudge through it until you reach acceptance. Maybe then, you can get some understanding and put the pain and the experience in the right place.

 

You can’t rush the experience of finding meaning in your heartache. That comes only with time and the willingness to truly dig through your feelings. So have the strength and courage to face the situation and know that better times are ahead

Set Your Own Path

I like to watch out the window when I’m working out at the gym. This morning, there wasn’t too much to see.  It was pouring rain, and everyone was rushing in and out of their cars. As I watched the rain come down, I noticed a little mallard duck behind a car. Obviously, this was the perfect day for him.  He was making his way across the parking lot, back and forth, like he had a goal that he needed to accomplish.

 

I continued to watch him make his way across the street. He would slow down and look around for a few minutes. However, that wouldn’t last too long. He would quickly take off again, walking with purpose here and there. And then it dawned on me…

 

Where were all the other ducks?

 

Ducks are very social animals and like to stick in groups. I scanned the parking lot for other mallards but failed to find any other birds. I continued to watch him for a while, waiting to see another duck appear. It became clear that this was a lone duck.

 

Seeing this guy out there all alone reminded me of all the times in my career that I was out there “alone”. If you don’t know what I referring to, let me explain.  There must have been times in your career that you didn’t follow the crowd.

 

Think about it.

 

For me, it was the time that I had the courage to say what everyone else was afraid to admit. Now, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it all worked out well. It didn’t. However, it was the right thing to do, and someone needed to do it. And I was the only one that was willing to stick my neck out. And if I could rewind the “tape” and have a do-over, I would do exactly the same thing.

 

Even if the result was painful. I would still definitely do it again because it was the right thing to do in that situation.

 

When you are experiencing this moment, you feel like that mallard that I saw walking back and forth in the street.  At times, you are sure of your intentions, and feel good about your decisions and direction in life. You have purpose, integrity and are following your compass. The next moment, you are stuck. You are unsure what step you should take next and whether you just made a colossal mistake. And maybe you spend a little time like the mallard duck, not moving, wondering what the heck to do next.

 

And it’s certainly painful being out there all alone. We all want to be part of our social group.

 

Exceptional leaders go through this experience at some point in their career. They need to make a split decision that might upset the balance of their organization. Their actions can cause them to feel isolated and make them question their decision-making skills. But the truth is, you can’t become an exceptional leader unless you are willing to upset the balance now and then. Eventually, something will happen and you will feel compelled to make a change that will not be readily accepted.

 

So take a tip from your friend the mallard and stay the course. Reflect on your actions and be clear on what is the right way to move forward and meet your goals.  Don’t be influenced by the popular decision, the one that will keep you comfortable and will ensure the status quo. As a leader, you are tasked to make the right decision-no

Building Confidence

There’s a chance that you might be a fairly confident individual. On the majority of occasions, you are able to manifest the needed courage and strength to speak up and say the hard stuff to a room full of strangers. Most times, you have the guts to dive in and take a risk to go for that new demanding position they just posted.

 

However, at some point in your life, a situation will occur that requires an extra heaping dose of confidence. Maybe you have just come off a disappointing experience or you’ve become comfortable (a little too comfortable) in life. The point is, when you dig down deep in the well, nothing will come up. And this will scare you.

 

So, what can you do to boost your confidence?

 

Let go of that experience when you failed

Everyone has experienced that one epic fail that rocked their world.  You know, the one that made you want to stay in bed for a month and never go back to interacting with humanity. The one that truly devastated you and made you question your worth to society. The majority find a way to move on, make sense of the situation and find meaning in the fail. Some even use the fail as a way to find passion and energy to perform even better in the future. However, there are a few that lug this “fail” around with them wherever they go for the rest of their lives, using this experience to define who they are. If you see yourself in this, recognize that this past fail maybe influencing your present, which then simply becomes part of your future. Make a conscious decision to let go of this experience and move on.

 

Think back to your most powerful moment

Everyone has at least one experience in their past where they felt confident, strong and powerful. You know, that one time where you were able to say and do exactly the right thing at the right moment. Acknowledge that this experience is proof that you can be the confident person that you aspire to be.  Visualize every detail of that experience and the emotions that you felt from the beginning to end. Play it in your head like a movie that you are watching over and over again. This is your reminder that you are a capable, courageous person.

 

Say “yes” to challenges

I was having a conversation with a woman the other day about a new exercise she was going to try. It was her friend’s idea to attend this class and she wasn’t looking forward to it. In fact, if her friend wasn’t pushing her, she would not be attending. I reminded her that it’s important to try new things and get outside her comfort zone. You say “no” to new things because the fear of failure is overpowering. The fear of “looking stupid” or “not being the best” influences your decision. Every time you back down and say no to trying something different and new, you take a little chip out of your confidence. Maybe you don’t notice daily, but over time, saying no and giving in to “that uncomfortable feeling” zaps your power. Start saying “yes” and learn how it builds your confidence and makes you feel as if you can tackle just about anything.

 

View your loss of confidence as a temporary situation. Your brain is wired to easily point out where you have failed, and less good at reminding you of all the many times that you have overcome great odds and soared. Push yourself to focus on the numerous experiences that reveal how courageous you truly are.

 

Staying Positive

The only time I watch the news on T.V. is when I am at the gym. However, the last time I was there, I noticed something interesting. Although, exercising usually is a stress reducer and energizes me, I was feeling stressed, anxious and down by the time that I was finished and ready to leave the gym. What was going on? I thought back to the last hour and remembered the discussions around me coupled with the constant stream of incredibly bad news on the T.V. And then I checked into what I was thinking about and I understood the problem. I was swirling with all the negativity that I had just witnessed on the T.V.

 

There’s a lot of negative news out there to consume lately. If you’re keeping up on just the daily political news, you can become quite overwhelmed, stressed and frankly, a bit depressed. There’s just so much and the rate at which it is changing, is dizzying. So the question is, is this negative news affecting you in your personal and professional life? Well, the truth may surprise you.

 

In 2012, a preliminary study with Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania found that just a few minutes of negative news daily has a significant effect on your mood. An additional study examined the longer-term impact of negative news on your well-being and performance. The results stunned the research team when they found that individuals that watched just three minutes of negative news in the morning were profoundly impacted. This group had a 27% greater chance of reporting 6-8 hours later that they had been unhappy during their day. Did you hear that? Over 25% of the group was severely affected by the negative news.

 

So what does it matter if employees are unhappy at work? Does that really affect the bottom line? Theresa Amabile and Steven Kramer, authors of the Progress Principle, collected 12,000 entries, from 238 employees, where their daily emotions were tracked. Surprisingly, 1/3 of the entries revealed employees that were unhappy, unmotivated or both. Research shows that how you are feeling has a huge impact on your creativity, productivity, commitment and social interaction in the workplace.

 

I had already figured this out. Days when I’m not feeling my energized confident self, I have difficulty focusing, being productive and creative.

 

I know it’s impossible to be happy all the time. Things happen that derail you from your usual productive self, no matter how hard you try and how much resilience you possess. Couple this with our 24 access to news information daily, and you can better understand the problem. However, having awareness of how negative news can impact your emotions and moods and in turn, your work performance, can help you make better decisions about your “negative news consumption”.

 

In today’s fast paced, over stimulated world, it’s definitely something to think about.

 

Staying Positive

The only time I watch the news on T.V. is when I am at the gym. However, the last time I was there, I noticed something interesting. Although, exercising usually is a stress reducer and energizes me, I was feeling stressed, anxious and down by the time that I was finished and ready to leave the gym. What was going on? I thought back to the last hour and remembered the discussions around me coupled with the constant stream of incredibly bad news on the T.V. And then I checked into what I was thinking about and I understood the problem. I was swirling with all the negativity that I had just witnessed on the T.V.

 

There’s a lot of negative news out there to consume lately. If you’re keeping up on just the daily political news, you can become quite overwhelmed, stressed and frankly, a bit depressed. There’s just so much and the rate at which it is changing, is dizzying. So the question is, is this negative news affecting you in your personal and professional life? Well, the truth may surprise you.

 

In 2012, a preliminary study with Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania found that just a few minutes of negative news daily has a significant effect on your mood. An additional study examined the longer-term impact of negative news on your well-being and performance. The results stunned the research team when they found that individuals that watched just three minutes of negative news in the morning were profoundly impacted. This group had a 27% greater chance of reporting 6-8 hours later that they had been unhappy during their day. Did you hear that? Over 25% of the group was severely affected by the negative news.

 

So what does it matter if employees are unhappy at work? Does that really affect the bottom line? Theresa Amabile and Steven Kramer, authors of the Progress Principle, collected 12,000 entries, from 238 employees, where their daily emotions were tracked. Surprisingly, 1/3 of the entries revealed employees that were unhappy, unmotivated or both. Research shows that how you are feeling has a huge impact on your creativity, productivity, commitment and social interaction in the workplace.

 

I had already figured this out. Days when I’m not feeling my energized confident self, I have difficulty focusing, being productive and creative.

 

I know it’s impossible to be happy all the time. Things happen that derail you from your usual productive self, no matter how hard you try and how much resilience you possess. Couple this with our 24 access to news information daily, and you can better understand the problem. However, having awareness of how negative news can impact your emotions and moods and in turn, your work performance, can help you make better decisions about your “negative news consumption”.

 

In today’s fast paced, over stimulated world, it’s definitely something to think about.

 

Facing Challenges

Last week, I went skiing in Colorado and had an exhausting, but great time. Much of my energy was spent trying to stay upright and not trying to be too anxious about flying down the hills. Most of the time, my husband would ski ahead of me and then I would try to catch up, carefully and slowly, for fear of taking a big tumble.

 

As I was coming down the mountain, I caught a glimpse of a skier out of the corner of my eye. This skier was moving at a good pace down the mountain. The second glimpse revealed two ski instructors working with him. My first thought was how you must have money to burn to have two ski instructors working with you. (I think that we can all agree I just made another judgment).

 

When I really took a good look at the situation, I realized that the skier moving at a fast clip had a caution sign on his back that read, “Blind Skier”.

 

Yes, that’s right, that skier that was moving as fast, or faster than me, was blind. Can you believe it? That just blew my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it as I made my way down the mountain.

 

We are capable of much more than we think we are.

Everyday, I talk to people that tell me what they can’t do or accomplish. They are very certain about WHY they can’t do things and have a whole rationalization in place to prove their point. They are terrified of change and of getting outside their comfort zone. Now imagine having the guts and courage to ski fast down a hill while not being able to see. You need to trust yourself and dig down deep to find the confidence to take on such a feat. You know that little step forward that you are struggling to make? Maybe it isn’t so overwhelming after all. Maybe it’s just getting bigger and bigger in your head, the more you think about it. My suggestion to you is to stop thinking so much and just do it. Break out of that pattern and take a chance. If this guy can do it, I’m sure you can do it too!

 

 

When we lose one strength, we can develop other strengths to help us through life.

How did that guy navigate that mountain without his sight? I imagine that he had developed other senses to help him. He heard the crunch of the snow beneath his skis and knew what each sound meant. He felt the vibration of the skis and learned to trust his body’s reactions to each movement forward. He didn’t have his sense of sight anymore, so he was compelled to develop other strengths to get him through the experience. The same thing can be said for us. We can’t stop learning and growing. As we grow, we may be no longer able to use certain strengths or skills. However, we must be creative in developing strategies to overcome these limitations. They are only limitations if we say that they are limitations.

 

I have a message for all of you out there who are scared to move forward in life— take a chance. If my friend the blind skier can do it, I’m pretty sure that you can find the courage to take a leap of faith.

Change Your Mindset

 

image head mindset

The noise from the exercise room at the gym caught my attention. Curious, I peered in to see what was going on. Someone in the group yelled to me and suggested that I join them for the new class that was about to start. I had never taken part in this new exercise and felt a little hesitant.

To be perfectly honest, my first thought was that I didn’t know what to expect. It just wasn’t what I had planned to do that morning. But then I thought about the opportunity of trying something new, and I got excited. I told myself that I’m sure that I could survive this experience, even if I didn’t know what I was doing and I just might learn something new.

 

Looking back, it was crazy to have any reservations. But let’s be real here, you probably do this as well. Dependent upon your beliefs, you might be willing to try and learn new things or you might feel comfortable staying within your zone where you can be sure to excel.

 

According to a theory created by Carol Dweck, a world renowned Psychologist at Stanford University, individuals possess fixed or growth mindsets. She has studied achievement and success for decades and has uncovered two different belief systems that exist within the population.

 

People with a fixed-mindset believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence and talent, is fixed and won’t change over their lifetime. They believe talent alone is what leads to success. According to the book “Mindset”, by Carole Dweck, people with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can be developed throughout their life with perseverance and hard work. Their talent and skills are just the starting point, not the end point.

 

What happens when you possess a fixed mindset and you fail? You are definitely not encouraged to try again because apparently, you are not working within your talents. On the other hand, what happens if you possess a growth mindset and you fail? You figure that you might need to do things a little differently, make some changes and try again. A growth mindset leads to individuals that are more resilient, willing to learn new things and more comfortable getting outside their comfort zone.

 

In the last two weeks, I had two client situations that best represent the need for possessing a growth-mindset in the workplace. In one situation, a team member commented to a leader that they don’t learn by training and coaching. In another situation, a team member shared with the leader that they abhor all training.

 

I suspect that both of these situations had more to do with individuals adhering to a fixed-mindset belief and feeling uncomfortable learning outside their rigid rules of success. If the learning involves an area where they currently don’t excel, they don’t want to take part.

 

They could fail.

 

I encourage companies to promote the growth-mindset and create a culture where learning and development is at the company’s core. That means sometimes, you will be asked to dabble outside your area of expertise and become comfortable with the process and the outcome. This is regardless of whether it’s a raving success or a complete flop.

 

That’s the true definition of success.