Get Somewhat Happy

image emotionsIf I had a dollar for every time someone has said that they’re “depressed”, I’d be rich by now. You see, being a Mental Health therapist, it’s hard to ignore someone that says that to you. I take it seriously— very seriously. Hearing that word compels me to ask a myriad of questions to get to the heart of the situation. Hearing that word puts me on high alert to closely evaluate the true meaning of their statement.

 

In today’s world, “I’m depressed” can take on a whole different meaning. Often, they’re trying to say, “I’m sad”, or “I’m very unhappy”. That’s vastly different from “I’m depressed”. Feeling sad is a pretty normal emotion over a lifetime. It’s a given that people will experience situations that will make them sad. However, for many people, the minute that they feel a negative, uncomfortable emotion, they don’t quite know what to do with it. It seems as if having any tolerance for uncomfortable emotions has been drastically reduced for many of us. Our ability to ride the waves— a sign of resilience, has diminished.

 

Our culture is filled with messages that tell us that life’s expectation is to be blissfully happy. We should strive to find happiness in our careers, our relationships and beyond. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Personally, I want to be happy too. However, I realize that life is filled with normal ups and downs. Not every minute of your life is going to be filled with the good stuff. This belief has become deeply ingrained in our culture, which leaves many of us to feel that we’re losing out on the good life.

 

The truth is that feeling sad, angry, and hurt does serve a purpose. In fact, it can be very good for you.

 

Negative emotions spur us on to change our lives. They give us the strength and push to go after that new position we want in our career, or finally take that leap in our business. It’s the impetus for us to sever a bad relationship or finally move out on our own. It protects us from staying in dangerous situations where we can be hurt. It encourages us to have that “aha!” moment in our careers.

 

The truth is that we need our negative emotions to help us become the best version of ourselves.

 

Instead of trying to numb our feelings when we’re down or sad, maybe we should search within to discover how we can grow from the experience. Ask yourself this question:

 

What is my sadness and pain trying to tell me? What do I need to change?

I believe each one of us needs to reset our “happiness meter” a bit. We should consider that being content is a good goal as we ride the waves of life. Emotions are the barometer that helps us gauge what CHANGES we need to make in our life. Learn to walk through your sad feelings and you’ll find that you like what’s waiting on the other side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attitude

imagesstress

 

I had just taken my seat at the IMAX theatre to see the movie. My friend was visiting from out of town and we decided that this was the perfect thing to do on a cold day. Apparently, so did everyone else in our city— the place was packed and as the people piled in, it became obvious that we were going to run out of seats.

 

Eventually, one of the employees asked if everyone could move to the middle so they could make room for the people still being seated. Quickly, my friend and I stood up and moved one more seat to my left. We sat down and continued to enjoy our time talking. Suddenly, we overheard the women to my friend’s right begin to complain.

 

“That isn’t fair— why do we need to move when we got here early and they didn’t?” My friend and I heard this and smiled at each other. Five minutes later, she went on. “Why should I be punished for getting to the theatre on time? I shouldn’t have to move and be made uncomfortable!” I whispered to my friend that some people are never happy and she smiled back.

 

I finally took a good look at the woman who could only view her world half-empty. The reality was that moving over one seat actually improved her visual experience. She truly had a better seat now. However, she couldn’t see that. She couldn’t see anything but misery.

 

People can focus on the smallest things in life and become unhappy. However, when they take these attitudes to work with them, it becomes everyone’s problem.

 

Steffanie Wilk, an associate professor at Fisher College of Business at the Ohio State University, studied employee mood and it’s impact on job performance. In the study, she asked telephone customer service representatives from a Fortune 500 company to record their moods during various times of the day over a three week period. They took into account the impact of individual temperament and the moods of their customers. The results proved that when beginning their day, the employee’s mood influenced their mood for the rest of the shift.

 

It should be no surprise to hear that employees that were happy at the beginning of the day generally stayed that way throughout their day. They responded more positively to their interactions with customers, which resulted in better customer service. Those that came to work miserable tended to continue to feel worse as the day wore on. The important point to glean from this study is that these negative mood shifts resulted in more than a 10% decline in employee productivity.

 

If you do the math, you can see the implications for revenue loss for any organization. Companies, big or small, can’t afford to have chronic negative employees on their team. Now imagine what happens when the negative employee spreads their bad attitude to the people around them. It’s like an infectious disease that can destroy the culture, productivity and in turn, the profitability of any organization.

 

Now, back to my miserable friend at the movie theatre. Hopefully, she will change her ways. Maybe it was a one-time thing and I just hit her on the wrong day. But in all probability, she goes to work somewhere every day with this same perspective on life and infects her co-workers with this attitude.

 

I hope that’s not the case.

Embracing Failures

image cake baked

 

My son requested a homemade birthday cake for his celebration this year. He wanted his special treat to be a yellow cake with chocolate frosting made by me. This request might not be a difficult one to most people— but to me, it was huge. I don’t enjoy baking. Frankly, it’s hard for me to understand why I should spend time baking a cake when I could be doing so many other interesting things.

 

It really isn’t that hard to follow a recipe on a box of cake mix. In spite of this, I managed to mix all the ingredients without including the needed water. This dawned on me when I went to pour the batter into the pans and the batter wouldn’t budge. Apparently, water is an essential ingredient in this recipe. I put the batter back in the bowl and added the water.

 

Thirty minutes later, I took a look in the oven and decided that the golden-brown cake layers were ready to take out and cool. I left to do a quick errand and figured I would ice the cake upon my return. With the cake cooled, I turned the pan over to release it. Nothing happened. I ran a knife around the edge and hit the bottom of the pan— still nothing happened. I tried the other pan with the same results. After much work, the cake came out in pieces.

 

Refusing to feel discouraged, I began to problem solve. Being my optimistic self, I decided to piece it back together with the frosting. My brilliant solution didn’t work. That’s just about the time when my husband walked in and stared at my masterpiece. I could tell it was hard for him to keep a straight face.

 

Now, if you’re wondering if it was as bad as I’m making it out to be, take a look at the included picture of my cake. It was truly, truly bad and my attempt to bake this birthday cake was an epic fail.

 

I should be good at this type of thing. I should be able to bake a cake for my son. I should be talented enough to follow an easy box cake recipe. All of the “shoulds” flowed through my mind as I stared at my cake. All the “shoulds” just made me feel worse about the situation.

 

Like you, I enjoy succeeding in life. I have high expectations and I work daily to develop my talents. This experience didn’t fit in with my view of self. This experience made me feel really bad. I searched for the reason that I failed so miserably.

 

And then, I began to think about the situation objectively. It’s hard to go through life without failing miserably now and then. Bad things will happen— much bigger things than my disastrous cake. Eventually, it will happen in your career, your relationships and every facet of your life, no matter how hard you work. You will give your best effort and still, things will not turn out as you expected. It will be disappointing and disheartening, but where you go from there is what truly matters.

 

Letting go of the “shoulds” and allowing your self the freedom to mess up now and then is key. Keeping your eye on the horizon instead of over your shoulder is also important.

 

Accept that the experience of failure is just another part of your life journey. The ability to be resilient and move on after failure is what truly matters.

 

 

Technology Overload

When I get into bed at night, I attempt to review my day. Did I have a good day? Have I been productive? Are there any positive changes that I need to make? This past Monday, I took a good honest look at my last 24 hours. The truth was that it was a day full of distractions. I struggled to focus and I accomplished very little. As I searched for the reason, I pushed myself to be honest with my behavior. The answer came to me…

 

I was addicted to my smartphone and it was getting in the way of my success.

 

I decided at that moment that I was going to make some changes. I suppose being licensed as a Mental Health Therapist has its advantages. I outlined a plan for the next day. I would check my email and all Social Media ONLY four times during the day. I would count each time that I had the mental urge to look on my phone or search on my computer. Each time that I would have this urge, I would tell myself to “let it go” and focus on my current activity.

 

I really didn’t expect this goal to be so difficult for me. I’m shocked to tell you that the first day was much harder than I ever imagined— I counted 46 times. Just think about that. 46 times, my brain signaled me to connect on Social Media. 46 times, my brain ran this loop and instructed me to pick up the phone.

 

No wonder I was having so much trouble focusing and accomplishing my goals! My brain had learned to be rewarded with the “ding” of an email and the excitement of a like or response from social media. My brain wanted more and more of that same reward.

 

In a study by the Associated Press, the average attention span in 2013 was 8 seconds. When you spend enough time on the Internet, the neural pathways in your brain change. You can become rewarded, not for staying on your task, but instead jumping to a more exciting thing. In other words, you can quickly rewire your brain.

 

It has been demonstrated over and over that your brain cannot effectively or efficiently switch between tasks. In the long run, multi-tasking causes you to accomplish less and run the risk of making multiple mistakes. On top of that, you have a much lower rate of retention.

 

If you’re looking at your phone 46 times in one day, it’s safe to say that you have formed a habit. Everyone knows that habits are hard to break since there is a payoff for continuing the behavior. In the short term, my behavior made me feel good. However, I knew that this unhealthy habit had to go.

 

Having awareness and recognizing that you have an issue is the first step to solving a problem. The interesting thing is that the first day I monitored my use and attempted to stop my behavior, I felt so much calmer, was able to focus and was definitely more productive.

 

I would be lost without my technology so I’m certainly not an advocate to disconnect. However, as with all things in life, moderation is key.

 

So I have a challenge for you. Take one day and limit your phone and social media use. Write down how many times that you get the urge to connect, and monitor how your overall productivity and how you’re feeling. Let me know how you do.

Accountability

image what's your excuse

 

I still remember going to my older son’s 3rd grade school conference. The teacher loved him and shared many wonderful stories. She relayed that he was smart, kind and had a great personality. Then she asked about a paper that he had recently brought home.

 

“I suppose you saw the math paper where he received a D. He was very upset about the grade and worried about what you would think of it.” I gave her a confused look and asked her when he brought it home. Apparently, it was supposed to come home in his backpack— it was 5 days later and I had never seen it. She chuckled and asked me not to come down too hard on him. Obviously, the paper had disappeared somewhere between school and home.

 

When I got home, I went upstairs to his room and sat down on his bed to have the talk. I told him how much his teacher raved about him and ended the story with the mystery of the missing “D” paper. I saw the look in his eyes and just waited for the explanation.

 

After much discussion, it was revealed that he had gotten off the bus and proceeded to take the paper and put it down the sewer drain. I’m imagining that the scenario was conjured up on the bus ride home. I suppose for a 3rd grader that was a logical way to solve the problem.

 

Now, I’m happy to report that my son, who’s now an adult, has learned to handle mistakes and missteps in a more responsible manner. However, in your travels through life, I’m pretty certain that you have come across a number of individuals that refuse to take accountability for their actions— they’re still throwing their “D” papers down the sewer drain. Their excuses and justifications for their actions can be downright exhausting.

 

Copping out on responsibility can become a habit and theme in every facet of your life. It inhibits your ability to move ahead in your career and find happiness and success in your personal life. Stop and think about someone that makes this behavior part of their daily routine. After awhile, the excuses just roll off their tongue and the more practice they get, the more proficient they become at this skill. In time, they truly believe their own explanations.

 

Right now, some of you are thinking that this does not describe you— but hold on a minute. Maybe you’re not a serial storyteller. However, there are times when each one of us is guilty of rationalizing our situation in order to feel better.

 

Take a step back and be honest. Maybe you didn’t get that sale today because the buyer was simply in a bad mood. You lost out on the promotion last week to the other employee because he always “sucks up” to the boss. You didn’t lose your goal of 5 lbs. this week because you just retain too much water. Never mind that you didn’t close the sale or you didn’t possess managerial skills or you ate more than you really should have on your diet.

 

We are ALL guilty of not taking accountability at some point.

 

The thing to remember is that your outcomes directly reflect your actions. Your success in life is in direct relation to your ability to be painfully honest with YOU. Do you make things happen or do things happen to you? A big part of your resilience in life is tied up in your skill of taking accountability for your actions. It’s realizing that you control your own destiny: your happiness and success is dependent upon you.

 

The next time you struggle with reaching a goal daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, step back and give this some thought: take responsibility for your place in life.

Accountability

image what's your excuse

 

I still remember going to my older son’s 3rd grade school conference. The teacher loved him and shared many wonderful stories. She relayed that he was smart, kind and had a great personality. Then she asked about a paper that he had recently brought home.

 

“I suppose you saw the math paper where he received a D. He was very upset about the grade and worried about what you would think of it.” I gave her a confused look and asked her when he brought it home. Apparently, it was supposed to come home in his backpack— it was 5 days later and I had never seen it. She chuckled and asked me not to come down too hard on him. Obviously, the paper had disappeared somewhere between school and home.

 

When I got home, I went upstairs to his room and sat down on his bed to have the talk. I told him how much his teacher raved about him and ended the story with the mystery of the missing “D” paper. I saw the look in his eyes and just waited for the explanation.

 

After much discussion, it was revealed that he had gotten off the bus and proceeded to take the paper and put it down the sewer drain. I’m imagining that the scenario was conjured up on the bus ride home. I suppose for a 3rd grader that was a logical way to solve the problem.

 

Now, I’m happy to report that my son, who’s now an adult, has learned to handle mistakes and missteps in a more responsible manner. However, in your travels through life, I’m pretty certain that you have come across a number of individuals that refuse to take accountability for their actions— they’re still throwing their “D” papers down the sewer drain. Their excuses and justifications for their actions can be downright exhausting.

 

Copping out on responsibility can become a habit and theme in every facet of your life. It inhibits your ability to move ahead in your career and find happiness and success in your personal life. Stop and think about someone that makes this behavior part of their daily routine. After awhile, the excuses just roll off their tongue and the more practice they get, the more proficient they become at this skill. In time, they truly believe their own explanations.

 

Right now, some of you are thinking that this does not describe you— but hold on a minute. Maybe you’re not a serial storyteller. However, there are times when each one of us is guilty of rationalizing our situation in order to feel better.

 

Take a step back and be honest. Maybe you didn’t get that sale today because the buyer was simply in a bad mood. You lost out on the promotion last week to the other employee because he always “sucks up” to the boss. You didn’t lose your goal of 5 lbs. this week because you just retain too much water. Never mind that you didn’t close the sale or you didn’t possess managerial skills or you ate more than you really should have on your diet.

 

We are ALL guilty of not taking accountability at some point.

 

The thing to remember is that your outcomes directly reflect your actions. Your success in life is in direct relation to your ability to be painfully honest with YOU. Do you make things happen or do things happen to you? A big part of your resilience in life is tied up in your skill of taking accountability for your actions. It’s realizing that you control your own destiny: your happiness and success is dependent upon you.

 

The next time you struggle with reaching a goal daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, step back and give this some thought: take responsibility for your place in life.

Open to Opportunity

images open window

 

Last week, I was attending a full-day seminar with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in quite awhile. Although I was unsure if the topic would hold my interest, I knew that I would pick up some “nuggets” that I could use in my life. I also looked forward to the training event since I thought I would see some of my old co-workers. As I scanned the room, I realized that I didn’t know a single person other than my old friend. The large room was filled with mostly empty tables and almost all of the attendees were crammed into the back half of the space.

 

We registered and walked to a table at the front of the room since we both decided that we would be easily distracted in the back. When I sat down, I noticed two women that were sitting together at the table behind me.

 

10 minutes into the seminar, the trainer started the first activity. She asked us to find a partner that we weren’t seated with and perform the first exercise. My friend jumped up and joined a woman sitting alone at a table. I turned around, stood up with a smile on my face and said to the two friends sitting together, “Would one of you like to join me at my table?”

 

They both stared at me and said, “NO”.

 

I turned back around, shocked by the tone in their voice and their firm NO response.

 

I didn’t personalize this NO that I received. I wasn’t hurt that they didn’t want to be with me. I instinctively knew that the NO had absolutely nothing to do with me. I knew that the NO had everything to do with them.

 

I was disappointed by the women’s inability to open themselves up to a new opportunity.

 

Now, you might be wondering why I’m making such a big deal out of this. So what, they wanted to sit together and enjoy each other’s company. However, it IS a big deal and I’m going to tell you why.

 

Everyday, you are bombarded with situations, problems and issues in your life. Most of the time, you handle situations in a manner that is familiar to you. You have found patterns in your life that work for you and it is easier if you stick to those patterns and habits. When you do this, you probably make life easier for you in the short-term. You feel safe in these patterns and find comfort in them.

 

However, you are making life harder for you in the long-term. Moving to another table and meeting someone new might seem like such a small thing. However, it might be a pattern in your life to avoid uncomfortable situations. Each time that you get the courage to move to the next table, you build a little more muscle that makes you more RESILIENT. Each time you do something uncomfortable, you develop a little more grit to tackle what gets thrown at you in life. Each time you stretch yourself personally and professionally, you open yourself up to new opportunities—some that you didn’t even know existed.

 

Building resilience all starts with one small move.

 

 

 

Resilience

imagesstressI have a weekly ritual that I haven’t changed for 15 years. I make out my grocery list Sunday morning and do my shopping later that day. I never deviate from going to my favorite store that always has everything I need. One of the reasons that I’ve stuck with this store is because I know that checking out is consistently fast.

 

Anyway, one week, while I was checking out, I noticed this woman working two lanes down. She was ringing people up and talking to them the whole time. There was an energy about her that made her special. She didn’t take the smile off her face and she ended the experience by singing a little song. Not only did the customers seem happy by the time they left but it was apparent that the other workers loved her too.

 

Four days ago, I needed to run into the store to pick up a few things for dinner. When I came to the checkout lanes, I scanned to see if my favorite worker was there. I spotted her working two lanes down, doing her job with a smile on her face. I proceeded to get in the lane and wait for my experience. However, the person ahead of me was having some difficulty with her order. Many of the cashiers crowded around to try to help as the situation turned into a long process. I questioned whether I should pick up all my groceries on the belt and move them to another lane, but I didn’t want to lose my chance to spend time with my favorite cashier.

 

The whole snafu probably took 10 extra minutes but it felt like much longer. I watched my favorite cashier keep her composure and handle the situation. I realized that at times, I was feeling frustrated but I reminded myself to have a little patience and let the feeling pass.

 

When it was my turn to be rung up, she brightly greeted me and started a conversation. As we continued to talk, she thanked me for having so much patience. She shared that she really had to work on her attitude while attending to the previous customer. I admitted that I also had to focus on keeping calm and not getting frustrated. The exchange ended with us laughing a bit and she eventually pulled at my hand, encouraging me to join her in song about her store. I walked out in a really great mood.

 

When I was driving home, I gave thought to the whole experience. Being a cashier at a grocery store was probably not this woman’s dream career. However, I’ve never met anyone that seemed to have such a great time at work. I believe her comment about working on her attitude had much to do with it. She wanted to enjoy life and live in the moment. She was capable of finding a way to ride the waves and look on the bright side, even when things didn’t go her way. She was aware of her thoughts and feelings and how that translated into her behavior.

 

It was obvious that she made the best of life even when it wasn’t perfect. This resilient woman CHOSE to live a vibrant, happy life. The effect on others was incredible.

 

I hope that I get to see her the next time I go shopping.

 

 

Rewards

images brain pictureAbout 10 years ago, I was knocked off my feet with a horrible case of the flu and pneumonia. I ended up missing three weeks of work. We’re talking about three weeks of not even being able to pick my head up off my pillow. I ran a fever daily and could barely eat anything for weeks. Yes— it was really, really bad.

 

Anyway, it was my daily habit to drink a Diet Mountain Dew around lunchtime. I loved Diet Mountain Dew, especially because it gave me a great caffeine kick. I consistently kept Mountain Dew in my house and not a day passed where I didn’t consume my beloved elixir.

 

The day that I came down with my dreaded disease, I drank my usual Diet Mountain Dew. I became sick shortly after that. Three weeks later, after I had semi-recovered, I tried to reestablish the habit of my daily Dew. However, when I walked over to the refrigerated case and reached out my hand for the Mountain Dew, something strange happened. I was overcome with a horrible feeling. Suddenly, Mountain Dew was extremely unappealing to me. The thought of drinking it made me feel nauseous. I closed the case and walked away. I’ve never had a Diet Mountain Dew since. I have tried, but the same feelings have stopped me in my tracks.

 

Apparently, the neurological pathways in my brain strongly linked my ill feelings with my favorite drink. It was now ingrained forever in my brain. My memory now immediately registered the sensations that I had experienced during this time and my miserable feelings of sickness were intertwined forever with Mountain Dew.

 

The other day, I was working out at the gym when a woman stopped me. She told me she was impressed that she always sees me at the gym when she herself struggles to even show up. She liked the way that she looked when she worked out but it certainly wasn’t enough motivation to get her there. I immediately understood how to solve the problem.

 

You see, being motivated by your appearance is not enough to keep you going back to the gym. The true secret is in finding the exercise experience pleasurable. If you link bad feelings to working out, you’re doomed. It’s as simple as that. However, if you work out hard enough to release endorphins in your body, you will begin to like the feeling you have when you’ve completed your workout. You will create new neurological pathways that link working out with your reward: feeling good. Therefore, you’ll be more inclined to do it again.

 

Consider what this concept can do for you in other parts of your life. What improvements do you need to make? Take a minute and consider the feelings that you conjure up when thinking about your needed change. What’s the first feeling that comes to mind? Now, create a positive reward that you can offer yourself as soon as you have completed this task. The first time will not be easy, but if done over and over again, you will begin to reap the benefits.

 

Do you find yourself procrastinating on any number of tasks? Whatever it is, take into account the sensations that you link to this responsibility. You can take control of this when you learn to link good feelings and sensations to your responsibility.

 

Just remember the Mountain Dew.

 

 

 

 

Inner Struggles

images present

I was working out on a new piece of machinery at the gym when a man startled me by asking a question. “Are you watching the T.V. on this channel or do you mind if I change it to something else?” I assured him that I didn’t care because I was busy focusing on my workout and reviewing the notes in front of me. You see, I’ve realized that if I review notes for presentations while exercising, I internalize the information more effectively. I’m not sure why it happens, but my brain seems to work more efficiently during a workout.

 

As he started his exercise routine, he apologized again for changing the channel and he began to chat. It all started with asking what I was studying. I explained to him that I was reviewing a presentation and workshop that I was giving in the next few days. We began to discuss my business and he shared the trials and tribulations of his own career. One thing led to another and he began to tell me about his family. I asked him a few questions and I continued to listen.

 

As we kept talking, he began to get choked up with emotion. I was stunned to see that our conversation had taken that turn, but I continued to listen. I sensed that he was having difficulty accepting a recent turn of events in his personal life. I relayed my own similar situation and what I found to be the important piece that I could draw out of the experience. I recognized that he again began to get emotional and had tears in his eyes two more times during our talk.

 

Earlier in the conversation, I described my business teaching resilience and accepting change. He was fascinated and laughed that his company might be interested in the program. Since I was finished working out, I informed him that I was going to run out to the car and get my business card so he could connect with me. I hurried back in and handed him my card. We talked for a minute before he thanked me profusely with a smile on his face and awkwardly gave me a hug.

 

When I walked out, I thought about what had just transpired. Judging from his appearance, I would have never guessed in a million years that he would show such depths of emotion and feelings. Judging from his demeanor, I would have never considered that man to be someone carrying such a burden.

 

Many of you go to such great lengths to give the appearance that you’re not struggling and everything is great in your life. The rest of us help you in this charade by keeping our distance and not asking how you’re really feeling. Maybe we really don’t want to know. Maybe because it’s more work for us— it takes more energy and we have our own problems to handle. In this busy world, it’s easier to keep to yourself and just get through another stressful task on your to-do list. We have important stuff to do, or so it seems at the time.

 

However, if you’re really interested and sincere about giving back in your community, it’s possible that it’s easier than you think. It’s not always about joining another board or donating more money. Just open your eyes to what’s going on around you and get to know the person next to you. They just might need your help.