Working Moms

 

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought.  He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

 

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time.  However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

 

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life.  They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

 

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother?  Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year?  Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life?  Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

 

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women.  They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder.  But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

 

I have raised two sons while working outside the home.  Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities.  You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME.   When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

 

Let go of the rest.

 

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen.  However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

 

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

 

 

Working Moms

 

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought.  He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

 

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time.  However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

 

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life.  They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

 

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother?  Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year?  Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life?  Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

 

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women.  They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder.  But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

 

I have raised two sons while working outside the home.  Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities.  You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME.   When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

 

Let go of the rest.

 

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen.  However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

 

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

 

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Face your Fears

Recently, I used a magic wand in a speaking presentation.  It happens to be one of my favorite props for a number of reasons.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all we needed to do was raise our magic wand and poof— all our fears and challenges in life would just go away? In just one wave of a wand, you could have your perfect carefree life, devoid of all the distress and challenges. Many women I come across think that it’s just that easy.

 

When I was in grade school, I was deathly afraid of speaking in front of the class, which I’m sure is very hard to believe. However, this confession is true.  In fact, my fear was so real that I would actually be in terror from the day I was assigned the date of my presentation to the day I finally presented.  On a regular basis, I would work myself up into such a panic that I would get genuinely sick on my appointed day to speak.  My fear was all encompassing.

 

Now, I’m not sure from where this fear originated. I don’t recollect any traumatic experiences during a class presentation, I just remember being so incredibly scared that I couldn’t even function.  Throughout Junior High and High School, this same fear didn’t leave me. The thought of standing in front of everyone was just horrifying to me.  In each speaking experience, I went through the same dreaded feelings and the same apprehension beforehand.

 

When I went away to college, I made a decision. I wasn’t going to live my life hiding in fear any longer.  My mother had always taught me to face confrontation and problems head-on and that’s exactly what I intended to do.  You know why? Because the feeling I had when backing down to my fear was worst than the actual fear. The feelings I experienced while giving in to this challenge was hurting my self-esteem. I decided that taking a speech class was the best way to tackle the issue.

 

Something funny happened on the way to confronting my fear: I realized that I was a pretty good speaker.  Sure, the first week was dicey, but as time went on, I just got better and better. Each week, I gained a little more confidence and assurance in my presentation skills.  By the end of the class, I was actually enjoying myself.  My fear had vanished and as unbelievable as it sounds, there was excitement and enjoyment in its place.

 

Now, back to the magic wand. I’m sorry to say that there’s no quick fix to overcoming your fears. There’s no short cut to gaining courage and confidence in life.  I talk to plenty of women that want to believe they can put a band-aid on the problem and call it a day.  The truth is that your courage, confidence or “inner sass” grows with life experiences. It strengthens when you confront your demons and refuse to back down regardless of how anxious, uncomfortable and miserable you become during the process.

 

I don’t know what’s on your list of fears but I do know one thing for sure— not confronting your fear slowly chips away at your confidence and self-worth. You might not be conscious of this fact but it’s true.

 

My advice to you is to throw away the magic wand and do the hard work. Whatever you fear is probably way past it’s expiration date.

Face your Fears

Recently, I used a magic wand in a speaking presentation.  It happens to be one of my favorite props for a number of reasons.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all we needed to do was raise our magic wand and poof— all our fears and challenges in life would just go away? In just one wave of a wand, you could have your perfect carefree life, devoid of all the distress and challenges. Many women I come across think that it’s just that easy.

 

When I was in grade school, I was deathly afraid of speaking in front of the class, which I’m sure is very hard to believe. However, this confession is true.  In fact, my fear was so real that I would actually be in terror from the day I was assigned the date of my presentation to the day I finally presented.  On a regular basis, I would work myself up into such a panic that I would get genuinely sick on my appointed day to speak.  My fear was all encompassing.

 

Now, I’m not sure from where this fear originated. I don’t recollect any traumatic experiences during a class presentation, I just remember being so incredibly scared that I couldn’t even function.  Throughout Junior High and High School, this same fear didn’t leave me. The thought of standing in front of everyone was just horrifying to me.  In each speaking experience, I went through the same dreaded feelings and the same apprehension beforehand.

 

When I went away to college, I made a decision. I wasn’t going to live my life hiding in fear any longer.  My mother had always taught me to face confrontation and problems head-on and that’s exactly what I intended to do.  You know why? Because the feeling I had when backing down to my fear was worst than the actual fear. The feelings I experienced while giving in to this challenge was hurting my self-esteem. I decided that taking a speech class was the best way to tackle the issue.

 

Something funny happened on the way to confronting my fear: I realized that I was a pretty good speaker.  Sure, the first week was dicey, but as time went on, I just got better and better. Each week, I gained a little more confidence and assurance in my presentation skills.  By the end of the class, I was actually enjoying myself.  My fear had vanished and as unbelievable as it sounds, there was excitement and enjoyment in its place.

 

Now, back to the magic wand. I’m sorry to say that there’s no quick fix to overcoming your fears. There’s no short cut to gaining courage and confidence in life.  I talk to plenty of women that want to believe they can put a band-aid on the problem and call it a day.  The truth is that your courage, confidence or “inner sass” grows with life experiences. It strengthens when you confront your demons and refuse to back down regardless of how anxious, uncomfortable and miserable you become during the process.

 

I don’t know what’s on your list of fears but I do know one thing for sure— not confronting your fear slowly chips away at your confidence and self-worth. You might not be conscious of this fact but it’s true.

 

My advice to you is to throw away the magic wand and do the hard work. Whatever you fear is probably way past it’s expiration date.

When They Need You

I got home late Wednesday night from a full day of activities.  Completely exhausted but too wound up to sleep, I took a bath to relax and began to read a book. I’m not really not sure what time I finally went to sleep, but when I woke up at 7:15, I had a massive headache and my body felt 20 years older than my chronological age.

 

I willed myself to wake up and put my contacts in my eyes. I threw on some clothes, ran downstairs and prayed that the coffee would make my head feel better.  After my quick trip to the gym coupled with the cup of coffee, I was closer to feeling human.  That’s when I got the call.

 

My 25-year-old son, who lives in Columbus, had been at home for a week recovering from Diverticulitis.  A strange disease for a young guy, but painful just the same. He had been diagnosed a week before and had done nothing but lie on the couch and sleep.  I believe the days were getting long and lonely.

 

Anyway, I asked him how he was feeling and he said, “the same, maybe a little better”.  I was hoping for more than “a little better”.  He asked me if I could come in to visit with him. He then repeated this statement multiple times. There I was, sitting at my desk, with a million things to do. My appointments had canceled a couple hours before, and I impulsively decided that this was a sign that I should just go. I ran to change my clothes and left for Columbus.

 

I believe he called me two times during that car ride. Each time, he didn’t really have a good reason for calling.  When I pulled up to the townhouse, he was sitting outside waiting for me, so excited and happy that I was there. On pain medication and unable to drive, he was relieved to get out of the house and go to lunch.  Over our meal, he decided that I should make him some homemade soup. I took him shopping and picked out the foods that he could eat. He said it felt good to be walking and moving through the store instead of lying on a couch.

 

We went back to his place and I made the soup. He talked to me the whole time and helped me cut up vegetables. He repeatedly told me how much he appreciated me taking him out and making dinner. We watched TV together for a while until I announced that it was time to go. He kept insisting that I should stay but I knew he had a friend coming over soon. Instead, I suggested that he come home with me, but he insisted, “This was his home”.

 

When I heard this, my first feeling was hurt but my second feeling was pride. He had built a life here and had become independent. This was the way it was supposed to be.

 

On the ride home, I was thinking about our conversation. I had asked him what I should write about this week, and without missing a beat, he suggested that I write about how kids always need their moms. He said that it doesn’t matter how old you get, how independent you are, or how tough you are, there are certain times in your life when only your mom can help you feel better. I think he’s right.3