Personality Tests

My husband came home from a week of job training that included test taking to discover personality traits.  He was excited to share it with me and wondered if I had come across this assessment in my career. As he explained his results, he tried to ascertain where I would fall on this test’s continuum.  I listened with amusement; he obviously took the whole process very seriously.

 

When I was in high school, I took a so-called career test to help me discover what I should do with my life. I waited with anticipation as the results were passed out to each one of us.  I scanned the paper feverishly to find the key to my future.  On the bottom of the page, it showed my results. I read the description of my future and slumped in my chair. According to the career inventory test, my perfect career was as a Nurses Aide. I’m not quite sure how this was decided, but I felt instantly depressed and defeated. To me, that seemed to be the farthest thing from who I was and what I wanted to do in life.  As I processed this information, a thought popped in my head: Why do I think that this test knows what I want in life? Only I can decide who I am and what I will accomplish in my life. How dare that test tell me that being a nurse’s aide is my fate!

 

That experience was pivotal for me.  It proved to me that tests are not always accurate and they should be treated as a guide and tool in the process of learning more about self.  Below are a few reasons why I feel that these assessments sometimes fail to deliver.

 

You can answer the questions as your wishful self, instead of who you actually are. People are not always honest when they take a test.  Sometimes, even though they’re instructed to give real answers, they can’t help but answer as the individual they desire to be in life, instead of how their traits and behavior actually play out. For example, maybe they believe only extroverts are successful in life.  In lieu of this, they unconsciously slant their answers to convey this trait.

 

Some individuals don’t understand “self” well enough to answer appropriately.  It comes down to knowing you.  If you haven’t done your work to learn more about who you are, it’s very possible that your test won’t clearly reflect the true you.  Many of the questions demand an individual to reflect on their own behavior, and some people just don’t see themselves very clearly.  They may not be able to recognize some of their behaviors and actions in life.

 

The test results could change according to how you’re feeling about yourself. I remember taking a test at a time in my life where I was miserable in my career. According to the administrator, it was to reveal my strengths and my personality.  If I shared the results, you would have one of the biggest laughs of your life. I wasn’t in a good place in my life, and that really came through in the results. I didn’t answer the questions like my usual self, and the results were quite skewed. Looking back now, I’m thankful that I didn’t take them to heart and build my life around them.

 

I use assessments daily in my coaching work. However, I see them as another tool to use in the process.  Healthy discussion on key topics is often more helpful in uncovering the information that will help us find your path. Don’t put more trust in these assessments than they actually deserve.

A Dose of Reality

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought.  He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

 

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time.  However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

 

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life.  They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

 

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother?  Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year?  Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life?  Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

 

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women.  They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder.  But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

 

I have raised two sons while working outside the home.  Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities.  You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME.   When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

 

Let go of the rest.

 

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen.  However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

 

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

 

 

 

A Dose of Reality

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought.  He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

 

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time.  However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

 

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life.  They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

 

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother?  Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year?  Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life?  Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

 

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women.  They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder.  But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

 

I have raised two sons while working outside the home.  Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities.  You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME.   When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

 

Let go of the rest.

 

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen.  However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

 

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

 

 

 

Showing Grace

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was quite upset.  Her sister had just become engaged and she was struggling with her feelings about the news. Her sister had informed her of the engagement through a text message, when it had really merited a phone call and a nice conversation. However, this relationship has had issues before this new turn of events.

 

Not only was Mary (not her real name) angry about the way she had been informed, but she was also livid that her sister had picked the exact same style and venue that she had for her wedding that had ended in a broken engagement. Mary believed that her sister had made this choice on purpose. When she called her sister to share her anger about the situation, the conversation quickly went downhill, ending with the bride-to-be sharing that she didn’t expect her sister to show at her wedding.

 

I spent the next 40 minutes on the phone: First, validating her feelings and then helping her see that this decision was not necessarily made to hurt her. I then reminded her that even though she might be partly right, this really wasn’t about being right or wrong.

 

I informed her that she had a choice; she could either make the time until the wedding ceremony chaotic and negative or she could rise above all the drama and handle the situation with grace.  I asked her to consider which one she would like as her legacy— her behavior would be etched in everyone’s memory for eternity.

 

The other day, I had a conversation with a woman, working out some business issues.  There were numerous times during the conversation where her tone and attitude could be discerned as condescending and inappropriate.  During the whole process, I spoke calm and kind, yet firm in my beliefs.  When I got off the phone, I relayed the experience to my husband.  “You shouldn’t have accepted that whole attitude”.  I disagree.

 

I had a choice as to how I would handle the situation. I felt totally in control and was capable of holding my own.  However, during the interaction, I kept calm and gave it thought.  What do I want to accomplish in this conversation? What do I have to gain by being gracious and what do I have to gain by letting her have it?

 

You might be thinking, “What do I have to gain by being gracious when I’m clearly in the right?” Consider for a moment that it might not be about who is right and who is wrong.  We often get stuck on this point. However, if you can get past the emotions of anger, frustration, and hurt and focus on what you want the outcome to be, you’ll be on the right track. Don’t look at the short-term gain but consider what you want for the long-term in your life. Maybe you need to swallow your pride and do what’s best for you and others in the long run. Words said in anger can haunt you for many years to come.

 

I was speaking with a client today who had difficulty doing just that— holding her tongue and considering the consequences.  She took me through a scenario at work, ending with her realization that she had nothing to gain by showing her anger with her co-workers.  For the first time, she was able to think through the situation, have empathy for other’s behavior, figure out her strategy and make the wise choice of having grace. What a confidence builder!

 

I hope you make the decision to approach your life with the same degree of grace. Frankly, it’s never too late to change your ways.

 

 

The Need to Please

Halfway through our 55-mile bike trip, my husband and I had stopped at a great café to eat lunch.  I was looking forward to resting my body and to getting rejuvenated for the long trip back. I was also thirsty and out-of-my-mind hungry. Incidentally, when I reach this point of hunger, it doesn’t matter where or what I eat; I just need food.  As we walked inside and saw tables available, the hostess informed us that it would be 15 minutes before we could get seated. That was my first clue that things wouldn’t go smoothly.

 

I immediately suggested that we go somewhere else. At that moment, I would have been more than happy to eat Subway in the grass. My husband reminded me that it wouldn’t be that long, and we could wait. Although we were seated after 15 minutes, we waited forever for the waitress to come to our table and take our order.  Receiving our drinks took another long wait, and we were finally presented with tiny juice glasses. When you’re thirsty, this doesn’t serve you well.

 

The waitress didn’t acknowledge us for the next 45 minutes. Yes, that’s how long it took for us to receive our food. Not once did she give me any kind of sign that she understood my frustration. You can just imagine the level of my patience during this time.  When we did receive our food, she didn’t bring my complete order.  I hadn’t even noticed because, by that time, I was beyond hungry and delirious.  I cleaned my plate within three minutes of it being set in front of me.

 

Looking back on the situation, I have a couple hard questions to ask myself. Why didn’t I articulate my concerns to the waitress during and after the experience?  Why didn’t I speak up and remedy the situation?  Where was my voice in this whole debacle?

 

I was working with a couple just a few years ago. The emotional woman shared that she was upset at her husband. When I inquired why, she stated how he never takes out the trash and that he expects her to do it. I asked her if she ever ASKS him to take out the trash. She replied with this statement, “He should know without me telling him.”  When I asked the husband what he thought of this, he replied that he was sorry for upsetting her, but that he didn’t realize she wanted him to take out the trash.

 

I don’t want to point fingers at anyone, but women are notorious pleasers in life. Many of you were taught at a young age that it’s a good thing to just go with the flow, not make waves, and do what makes everyone happy.  Somewhere back in your childhood, you probably received the inferred message that being a nice girl is a very positive attribute for a woman to possess. Let’s be honest— each one of you has some form of this toxic behavior that will negatively impact your personal and professional life.

 

I consider myself an assertive woman with sass— I’ve definitely found my voice.  However, even I fall back into old patterns ingrained in my childhood.  When I hold back because I hesitate to hurt other people’s feelings and upset them, this strategy ends up making me miserable and always has a poor outcome.

 

Keep in mind that there are a huge range of responses between rolling over and playing dead and being incredibly selfish and cruel.  Find a place somewhere in the middle to call your own.