Mythbusters

In my work as a women’s life coach, I often discover that it’s a value or principle incorporated into a woman’s life that’s holding her back from greatness.  It’s possible that they’ve held on to it from very early in their life.  It doesn’t matter when it was internalized or when it became a compass for decision-making— it’s the fact that this principle or value they hold onto so tightly is impeding their progress to move forward that should be alarming.

 

In lieu of this, I would like to spend some time busting a few popular myths believed by women that get in the way of their happiness and success.

 

You need to achieve work/life balance.  What the heck is work/life balance?  The truth is that there are going to be times in your life that are way off balance and there’s very little you can do about it.  There may be big chunks of time that you spend in one specific area of your life, and the other pieces are put on hold. With the many roles that women hold, it’s often a juggling act to keep all the plates spinning.   Here’s what you can do: try a routine assessment to see if you’re spending time in the RIGHT places for YOU and expending energy as efficiently as possible. Maybe your floors will have to go two weeks without being cleaned properly.  I guarantee you it will not be the end of the world.

 

All stress is bad and should be avoided at all costs.  The Internet is crawling with articles that speak to women’s stress levels. Your daily life is filled with too much stimulation and activity, with everything moving at an extremely fast pace. The constant use of technology only adds to the situation.  However, if you didn’t have a certain amount of stress in your life, you wouldn’t be able to accomplish your goals. For example, knowing that your mother-in-law is coming to the house the next day encourages you to clean up the kitchen.  Having that project deadline looming over your head encourages you to complete it.  A little bit of stress can be positive, but constant stress is not.  Be able to differentiate between the two.

 

You should be happy 100% of the time.  To be honest, this myth really aggravates me.  It seems that everything in our culture tells us that this is our goal— to be happy all the time.  However, that just isn’t realistic.  Good things happen and bad things happen in your lifetime. The most change and growth happens not when you’re happy, but when you’re Unhappy! What you should expect is for you to positively cope with your situation, find meaning in the bad times and then find a place where you can begin to feel contentment.  Maybe, just maybe, happy is the wrong word to shoot for. The real goal should be contentment, peace and understanding.

 

You should love every part of your job.  I’m passionate about my job.  I get excited when I think about the change that my clients are making in their lives.  However, the daily grind of paperwork is way down on my list of things I enjoy about my job. I love creating new programs and coming up with new ideas, but working on the details is definitely not my strong suit.  I get it done but it certainly doesn’t “feed me”.  There isn’t a job that exists that you will absolutely adore every single minute.  There will be great days and days that you wish would just end so you can start fresh in the morning.  Yet the job can still be perfect for YOU.

 

Give some thought to these mythbusters, and make some changes to your thinking.

Dealing with Disappointment

My son was home from college for two weeks during the holidays.  I had talked to him before the break and had secured his “employment” in sound production. I wanted to make an audiobook of “31 Days to Finding Your Inner Sass”.  We had discussed the process and he reassured me he knew exactly what needed to be done.

 

You see, my son is a Music Production major and regularly records his own work.  He knows everything about recording and sound. He’s also a perfectionist- which can be a good thing or a bad thing, dependent on the situation.  Frankly, I usually like this quality in my employees.

 

I’m not quite sure why, but I had assumed this whole process would be simple. All you have to do is read into a microphone right?  How hard could it be? I didn’t realize the number of times that I stumble or slur my words when I speak.  My son pointed it out to me.  Day one in the studio, I also learned that you should never drink carbonated drinks while recording. Even the smallest gurgle sounds huge when you’re mic’ed so close.

 

This process was truly a learning experience for me. For example, I learned that the more you let me know I’m saying a word incorrectly, the more I continue to have difficulty saying the word.  It was not unusual to have me repeat a sentence four times until I got it right. As you can imagine, this was a time consuming process.

 

On day two, I got in big trouble. I was reading Chapter 7 when my son dramatically stopped the recording, tore off his headphones, and pointed at my mouth. “Are you chewing gum?”  I said nothing. He continued, “Mom, are you chewing gum?”.  Finally, with my head down, I said yes. Then, with all his professionalism, he said loudly, “You do not bring gum into a studio!!” I was busted and embarrassed.

 

My point in sharing all of these details is to let you know that I was NOT having fun. This was intense work that took hours and hours. I hadn’t comprehended what a time commitment this was going to be until I was in the thick of it. We continued to trudge through more chapters, and my little perfectionist continued to stop me every couple sentences.

 

On day three, we had plans to start recording at 2:00 pm.  At 1:30 pm I received a call from him. “Mom”, he said very calmly, “I don’t want you to panic, but my computer crashed last night”. I inquired into what that actually meant- did he lose everything we had completed?  He shared how he was on his way to the Apple store to see if it could be fixed. I asked him to keep me posted. To make a long story short, he found out that everything on his computer was forever gone.

 

As we went out to dinner that night, my husband turned to my son and I and asked why we weren’t more upset.  He couldn’t fathom how I had gone through this whole day without having an outburst of some kind.  “There’s nothing we can do about it”. We had calmly problem-solved but to no avail. The facts were the facts: we had to start again, whether we liked it or not.

 

Things are going to happen to you in life. Some of them will be more than frustrating and you might feel like “throwing in the towel”. You can get involved in your emotions and how life is so unfair to you. You can go on for days, obsessing and getting yourself more aggravated. This will lead to a big expenditure of energy and a real waste of your time.

 

I don’t know about yours, but I decided my time, energy and happiness is way too valuable.

 

 

Less Is More

Sometimes, saying less is saying more. I realized this as I was sitting next to a woman at a lunch earlier this week.

 

I had never met the woman sitting next to me at the table. At first glance, she seemed nice enough.  Being friendly, I started the conversation.  With a huge smile on my face, I introduced myself and asked to hear more about her.  She didn’t waste any time and proceeded to tell me that she owned a business and she was currently involved in a new venture.

 

She went on to explain that she was working for a skin care company and she loved her work.   That’s when it happened- she leaned into my personal space and stared intently at my face.  I felt my guard go up as she intensely examined me; my instincts told me to move away.  In that split second, I remember having a thought that went something like this, “she wouldn’t dare go there!”.

 

She certainly did.  As she leaned into my face, she took her finger and pointed directly at the area below my left eye.  “We could definitely iron that out”.  For a minute, I thought I must have heard her wrong.  She DID NOT just refer to my wrinkles and say, “we could iron that out”. She went on. With a sway of her hand while studying the defective area of my face, she said, “Yes, this product would do wonders on that area. We could smooth that out!”.

 

A flash of anger traveled through me. Never one to react without thinking through the consequences, I pondered what had just transpired.  Do I tell her how she just insulted me? Do I make a scene at the table with all these women present?  Clearly oblivious to what I was thinking, she had the audacity to continue like nothing at all had just happened. “Look at me- can you believe I’m 64?” Now fishing for a compliment, I decided she had gone too far with me.  In a monotone voice and with little enthusiasm, I commented with “really”.

 

Even though I wasn’t feeling physically good the day of the lunch, I pushed myself up and out of the house.  When I looked in the mirror after I was fully dressed, I decided that I looked pretty darn good. I liked the way my new teal sweater dress looked on me.  I didn’t focus on the veins that were pronounced in the front of my right leg, or the way my eye crinkled and wrinkled when I smiled.  I just focused on the whole look and decided it was sassy.  I felt good about me.

 

I think we can all agree that we don’t need women in our lives like this girlfriend at the table. Playing on a woman’s vulnerabilities to make a sale is pretty low. We’re hard enough on ourselves without others aiding in the process.

 

As I drove home from the event, I thought about the incident, indignant that a woman would say that to another woman.  The more I thought, the more I realized how ironic the whole incident was.  She was focused on improving what she perceived as my outward flaws, while I was focused on the obvious flaws she possessed within.

 

It’s a funny thing about having external flaws- they seem to bother you a lot less when your inside doesn’t need much work.

 

Yes, I’d rather be me- flawed skin and all.

Starting Over

Ann Young was a successful V.P. in marketing who had built a career in corporate America.  She became disillusioned during her 25-year career and began to dream of doing something different and more fulfilling.  However, the high position, money and prestige kept her stuck in the job. She felt it was crazy to even consider giving up the security to try something unknown and new.

 

After she lost her father to Cancer, she became passionate about health and wellness.  She realized that working in the field and being able to help others regain their health would be her dream job. It was natural for her, considering she had a background in nursing.  Ann wasn’t sure what her new career looked like, but she knew in her heart that it was where she belonged. After she made this decision, it took her quite awhile before she gathered the courage to walk out the door.  She would keep finding excuses and rationalizing the reasons why it wasn’t the right time to leave just yet. Always a superstar, she realized she was becoming less and less effective in her role at work. That’s when she knew it was time to finally leave. “It was scary”, Ann said. “Here I was, 48 years old, and I was leaving all that money and prestige.”

 

Today, Ann is a Health and Nutrition Counselor (she received her nutrition degree) working with individuals that are serious about changing their lifestyle. She is passionate about her field and her work and knows she made the right decision.  She just wishes that she had made it sooner.

It happens to you at some point in your life.  You get stuck and even though you’re miserable where you’re at, you can’t seem to find the secret to moving forward.

 

So what can you do when you feel that you’re stuck in quicksand and trapped in your current situation?

 

Find someone supportive that will help you have accountability in reaching your goal. I had this exact situation some years ago.I was unhappy in my job and truly wanted to go back to school, but the idea seemed unachievable.  I shared my feelings with a mentor at work and she pushed me to pursue this dream. To be honest, I’m not sure that I would have had the guts to start the whole process if she hadn’t supported and believed in me throughout the whole process.

 

When you’re feeling stuck, change one thing, no matter how small.  Take a different route to work.  Sign up for a dance class or listen to some new music that’s outside your usual choice. Getting into routines happens to everyone. Routines make you feel safe and predict what comes next in a fast-paced world.  It also keeps you in your comfort zone when you need to venture outside and test the waters. Just by making small incremental changes, you can slowly get in the habit of making larger changes in your life.

 

Learn how to talk back to your inner critic.  That back seat driver in your head is calling the shots. He can be convincing when he gives you all the reasons why you can’t make this change.  He’ll give you a list of why you’re better off where you are and why you’re going to fail if you make a move. Maybe it’s time to take him off the payroll.

 

Change your perspective on failing.   Realize that “failure”, that thing you dread, might not be so bad after all.  Successful people often share that their failures were a big part of their eventual success.  Accept that failure only means that you might have to try again before you get to the success part.  Redefine failure as part of the process of growing and learning- it’s not “the end of the world”.

 

The only thing holding you back from achieving your dreams is YOU. Start taking the steps to make that change in your life RIGHT NOW!

 

 

 

 

Taming Your Inner Brat

Let me share something about my buying habits— I’m pretty selective about my purchases.  I won’t buy the first thing I see and I never make impulse decisions. I’m the type of buyer that mulls things over and over before I get out my credit card. Well, usually.

 

I recently attended a fashion show fundraiser.  During the show, I made a mental note of a dress that I liked, but assumed it would be out of my budget range.  At the completion of the show, I strolled around the vendor tables to see if I could spy the runway dress. As I turned the corner and looked up, I saw a young woman holding THE dress up and talking to her friends excitedly.  When I approached her, she shared with me how much she loved the dress and just had to have it. The boutique owner chimed in and stated that there were only two pieces left of that particular style and absolutely no inventory left at her store.

 

Immediately, I decided that I had to have this dress! I tried to control my excitement while the girl went off to try it on.  I hovered around the table anxiously waiting for her to return, secretly hoping that she only fit into the bigger size. She came back and decided to buy the smaller size. Disappointed, I searched for alternate solutions to my dilemma. I ran to the lounge to try on the bigger size— I rationalized that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I bought the dress a little too big.

 

As I put the dress over my head and looked in the mirror, I felt a huge rush of adrenaline shoot through my body. The dress fit perfect! I ran back out and couldn’t give the owner my credit card quick enough.  Boy, was I excited about making my purchase!

 

Dr. Pauline Willan, a Psychologist and author of ”Taming your Inner Brat” cites three specific reasons why you can get hung up on wanting what you can’t have.

 

1. You pay more attention to and can become fixated upon what you CAN’T have in life.  This “thing” might begin to feel much more important than it actually is.

 

2. When something is scarce or in short supply its perceived value increases. You may begin to believe that if other people want this item so badly, then you should want it also. Think about some of our past Christmas seasons and the toy of the year.

 

3. You often want what you can’t have due to “Psychological Resistance”. This refers to your desire to not be controlled by others.  A good example of this is when you’re on a diet and your husband reminds you 7 times a day that you shouldn’t eat the cake in the kitchen because it’s not on your diet.  These comments from your husband might lead you directly back to the piece of cake.  No one likes to be told what they can and can’t do.

 

Give some thought to your own life. Have you ever obsessed over something or someone that you just had to have? Next time you’re chasing that thing or person, do a reality check.